The Great WrestleMania Re-Book: WrestleMania 13

wrestlemania-13-logo

We’ve all done this. We’ve all sat around the campfire, water-cooler, sacrifice pit and meticulously tried to re-book the Granddaddy of the all. Brilliant idea after brilliant idea has flowed from the minds of countless brilliant people which made us at Place To Be Nation sit up and say, “We’re somewhat brilliant. We can piece together two or three coherent sentences. Surely we can book an all time classic like WrestleMania IX.” So welcome To the Great WrestleMania Re-Book. For each of the 30 celebrations of life (TM WWF 1999) Justin Rozzero, Aaron George, Steven Graham, Nick Duke, Brian Bayless, Trent Williams, and Glenn Butler, give you their versions of each showcase of the immortals. In order to ensue a different spin with this thing here’s a few rules we’ve all sworn a blood-oath to uphold:

– For any given year you can have NO MATCHES THAT WERE ON THE ORIGINAL CARD. So WrestleMania III say goodbye to Savage/Steamboat and Hogan/Andre cause we have to come up with something completely different.

– For every year YOU MUST RESPECT THE CURRENT CHAMPIONS GOING INTO THE EVENT. So even if it hurts our hearts Miz is still champ going into 27, Triple H still has his reign of terror at XIX and Cena is still champ going into 36.

– As much as we are sticklers for the given circumstances and champions we may CHANGE THE WINNER OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Otherwise we’d be unable to follow rule number one from 1993-2003. Imagine we’re booking the show as of January 1st.

IF A CELEBRITY WRESTLES/BOXES A PHYSICAL MATCH AT A GIVEN SHOW, HE/SHE MUST HAVE A MATCH AT THE SHOWS WE BOOK. Sorry, no getting out of seeing Snooki “compete.”

– Aside from that we are free to USE ANY MEMBER OF THE ROSTER AT THE TIME THAT WAS HEALTHY OR SCRATCH SOMEONE FROM THE CURRENT CARD IF WE FEEL THEY DON’T FIT AND/OR HATE THEM.

– Unless it’s specified by the given author EVERY ONE OF THESE CARDS LIVES IN IT’S OWN UNIVERSE. Otherwise this could very quick descend into 30 years of fantasy booking instead of seeing what we could each make with the given circumstances. If a butterfly effect is enacted it will be mentioned but I think we’ll keep it to a respectable minimum.

So there’re our awful, rigid, back-breaking rules. Without further ado, here’s the Great WrestleMania Re-Book!

chicago
Welcome back to the city of brotherly love!

CHICAGO MARCH 23RD 1997

THE ORIGINAL CARD

1. The Headbangers d. The New Blackjacks, The Godwinns and Funas & Lafon – Elimination #1 Contender

2. Rocky Maivia d. The Sultan – Intercontinental Title

3. Hunter Hearst Helmsley d. Goldust

4. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog d. Mankind & Vader – WWF Tag Titles

5. Bret “Hitman” Hart d. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin – Submission Match

6. The Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson d. The Nation Of Domination – Chicago Street Fight

7. The Undertaker d. Sid (c) – WWF Title

JUSTIN ROZZERO

dreamer lawler
Take that you son of a bitch!

1. Scorpio, Doug Furnas & Phil Lafon d. Al Snow, Rob Van Dam & Sabu *

2. Ken Shamrock d. Rocky Maivia (c) – WWF Intercontinental Title

3. Jerry Lawler d. Tommy Dreamer **

4. Vader d. Mankind – No Holds Barred

5. Hunter Hearst-Helmsley & Chyna d. Goldust & Marlena – Mixed Tag Team Match

6. Legion of Doom d. Owen Hart & British Bulldog (c) by disqualification – WWF Tag Titles

7. Shawn Michaels d. Bret Hart – Best 2/3 Falls

8. Ahmed Johnson d. Faarooq – Street Fight

9. Undertaker d. Steve Austin & Psycho Sid (c) – WWF Heavyweight Title Triple Threat ***

* ECW Invasion Match
** ECW Invasion Match; Lawler wins when RVD turns on ECW and assists him
*** Steve Austin won 1997 Royal Rumble after illegally eliminating Undertaker

AARON GEORGE

rvd
What the hell’s he doing here???

Heyman goads McMahon into offering his guys some matches. McMahon is confident these “invaders” don’t stand a chance.

1. Rob Van Dam d. Rocky Maivia (c)Intercontinental Title
RVD takes the IC title to ECW in a shocker. Vince is pissed.

2. Ahmed Johnson d. Faarooq – Steel Cage Match
This thing finally gets a blow off.

3. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) d. The Eliminators and Furnas & Lafon – WWF Tag Titles Triple Threat

4. The Undertaker w/Vince McMahon d. Raven w/ Paul Heyman

5. Bret “Hitman” Hart d. Shawn Michaels – Number one contender Ladder Match

6. Vader d. Mankind – Street Fight

7. “Stone Cold Steve Austin d. Sid (c) – WWF Title
Austin would be a star whenever he won the title.

STEVEN GRAHAM

ahmedfaarooq
Oh lord please no… please no…

1. Goldust d. Rob Van Dam
An ECW showcase match as RVD battles Goldust. This would had been interesting.

2. Rocky Maivia (c) d. Jerry “The King” Lawler – Intercontinental Title
Lawler is somebody that could pull a good match out of Rocky at this time.

3. Mankind d. Vader – Falls Count Anywhere
These two were rumoured to have a crazy brawl here and I would had loved to see it.

4. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon d. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) – WWF Tag Titles
They had some awesome matches leading up to here and it would had been great here too.

5. Shawn Michaels d. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
These two had a great match at the King of the Ring this year and it would had been great here too.

6. Ahmed Johnson d. Faarooq – Chicago Street Fight
Drop LOD and the rest of the Nation of Domination, because of rules.

7. Bret “Hitman” Hart d. Sid (c) – WWF Title
Bret wins the Final Four to get his title shot here.

NICK DUKE

bretsid
We’re Live Bret!

1. Crush d. Flash Funk

2. The Legion of Doom d. Owen Hart and The British Bulldog (c), The Headbangers and The New Blackjacks – WWF Tag Team Titles 4 Way Elimination Match

3. Goldust d. Savio Vega

4. The Undertaker d. Mankind and Vader w/ Paul Bearer – Handicap Match

5. Ahmed Johnson d. Rocky Maivia (c) and Faarooq – Intercontinental Title Triple Threat

6. Stone Cold Steve Austin d. Hunter Hearst Helmsley w/ Chyna

7. Bret Hart defeats Sycho Sid (c) – WWF Title

BRIAN BAYLESS

goldustmankind
A bond that must be broken…

1. Owen Hart & British Bulldog (c) d. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon – WWF Tag Team Titles
Good match to open the show as the heels retain

2. Ahmed Johnson w/ Legion of Doom d. Faarooq w/ Nation of Domination – Street Fight
Ahmed scores the win in a brutal brawl to finally end this feud

3. Undertaker d. Vader
Taker gets the win in a hard-hitting match to keep his WrestleMania streak going.

4. Mankind w/ Paul Bearer d. Goldust w/ Marlena
Mankind gets the clean win here to move on to bigger things

5. Steve Austin TLD Shawn Michaels – Special Guest Referee Ken Shamrock
They hit the 30-minute time limit then go into a five minute overtime. Shamrock breaks it up after OT expires as the two competitors go nuts and brawl up the ramp.

6. Hunter Hearst Helmsley w/ Chyna d. Rocky Maivia (c) – WWF Intercontinental Title
Outside interference between Chyna helps HHH win the belt.

7. Bret Hart d. Psycho Sid (c) – WWF Heavyweight Title
Bret wins the gold cleanly with the sharpshooter. Afterwards, Steve Austin and Shawn Micheals come out and end up staring down Bret before looking at each other. Officials run out to separate the two as they alternate between looking at each other and Bret, who is standing in the ring holding the belt.

TRENT WILLIAMS

lawler
Homophobe.

1. The New Blackjacks d. The Godwinns w/ Hillbilly Jim

2. Ahmed Johnson & The Headbangers d. The Nation of Domination (Faarooq, Savio Vega, & Crush)

3. Goldust w/ Marlenda d. Jerry Lawler
This match would stem from the in ring promo where Lawler asked Goldust if he was queer and Goldust told him no, but instead of punching him I would have Goldust ask Lawler “What would it matter if I was queer?”. Lawler would respond with “It would be sickening and just the thought of it makes him want to vomit and this ring isn’t the place for something like that.” Goldust responds with ” So the ring isn’t a place for something like this?” Goldust would walk over and rub Lawler’s chest sexually causing Lawler to back away quickly and get out of the ring all pissed off. Over the next weeks Goldust would do things sexually toward Lawler to piss him off until finally Lawler attacks Goldust which sets up the match for WrestleMania. Two weeks before WrestleMania Goldust wants to raise the stakes and makes this a loser has to wear a dress for a month.

4. Hunter Hearst Helmsley w/ Chyna d. Rocky Maivia (c) – Intercontinental Title

5. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) w/ Jim Cornette d. Doug Furnas & Phil Lafon – WWF Tag Team Titles

6. The Road Warriors d. Mankind & Vader w/ Paul Bearer – Street Fight

7. The Undertaker d. Sid (c), Bret Hart, & Steve Austin – WWF Title Four Way Elimination Match
OK, so we all know how God awful the Taker v.s. Sid match so I decided to just add the participants of best match of WrestleMania 13 to make this WWE Championship match somewhat watchable.

GLENN BUTLER

bretmick
There are no pictures of these two together.

ECW invades for the first two matches tonight.

1. Rob Van Dam & Sabu def. Flash Funk & Al Snow

2. British Bulldog (c) def. Chris Candido – WWF European Title

3. Undertaker, Diesel, and Razor Ramon def. The Nation of Domination (Faarooq, Crush, Savio Vega)

4. Rocky Maivia def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley – WWF Intercontinental Title

5. Owen Hart & British Bulldog (c) def. The Headbangers – WWF Tag Titles
Here comes the Mosh, and here comes the Thrasher!

6. Bret Hart def. Mankind
It’s a dream match that could only happen this year. Shamrock comes in as the special ref, since nobody can handle Mankind.

7. The Legion of Doom def. The New Blackjacks

8. Steve Austin def. Psycho Sid (c) – WWF World Title

Whose WrestleMania 13 card is your favorite?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Thanks for joining us for this installment of The Great WrestleMania Re-Book. Feel free to keep the discussion going at the Place To Be Nation Facebook page. Tune in next time for WrestleMania XIV! In the meantime, catch up on our previous re-books:

WrestleMania
WrestleMania 2
WrestleMania III
WrestleMania IV
WrestleMania V
WrestleMania VI
WrestleMania VII
WrestleMania VIII
WrestleMania IX
WrestleMania X
WrestleMania XI
WrestleMania XII
 

Author: Place to Be Nation Staff

Place to Be Nation Staff pieces feature any number of our contributors who are multifaceted when it comes to Pop Culture expertise.