The Great WrestleMania Re-Book: WrestleMania

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We’ve all done this. We’ve all sat around the campfire, water-cooler, sacrifice pit and meticulously tried to re-book the Granddaddy of the all. Brilliant idea after brilliant idea has flowed from the minds of countless brilliant people which made us at Place To Be Nation sit up and say, “We’re somewhat brilliant. We can piece together two or three coherent sentences. Surely we can book an all time classic like WrestleMania IX.” So welcome To the Great WrestleMania Re-Book. For each of the 30 celebrations of life (TM WWF 1999) Justin Rozzero, Aaron George, Steven Graham, Nick Duke, Brian Bayless, and Glenn Butler, give you their versions of each showcase of the immortals. In order to ensue a different spin with this thing here’s a few rules we’ve all sworn a blood-oath to uphold:

– For any given year you can have NO MATCHES THAT WERE ON THE ORIGINAL CARD. So WrestleMania III say goodbye to Savage/Steamboat and Hogan/Andre cause we have to come up with something completely different.

– For every year YOU MUST RESPECT THE CURRENT CHAMPIONS GOING INTO THE EVENT. So even if it hurts our hearts Miz is still champ going into 27, Triple H still has his reign of terror at XIX and Cena is still champ going into 36.

– As much as we are sticklers for the given circumstances and champions we may CHANGE THE WINNER OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Otherwise we’d be unable to follow rule number one from 1993-2003. Imagine we’re booking the show as of January 1st.

IF A CELEBRITY WRESTLES/BOXES A PHYSICAL MATCH AT A GIVEN SHOW, HE/SHE MUST HAVE A MATCH AT THE SHOWS WE BOOK. Sorry no getting out of seeing Snooki “compete”.

– Aside from that we are free to USE ANY MEMBER OF THE ROSTER AT THE TIME THAT WAS HEALTHY OR SCRATCH SOMEONE FROM THE CURRENT CARD IF WE FEEL THEY DON’T FIT AND/OR HATE THEM.

– Unless it’s specified by the given author EVERY ONE OF THESE CARDS LIVES IN IT’S OWN UNIVERSE. Otherwise this could very quick descend into 30 years of fantasy booking instead of seeing what we could each make with the given circumstances. If a butterfly effect is enacted it will be mentioned but I think we’ll keep it to a respectable minimum.

So there’s our awful, rigid, back-breaking rules. Without further ado, here’s the Great WrestleMania Re-Book!

msg
Easy lover is still inexplicably the theme song.

NEW YORK CITY – MARCH 31ST 1985

THE ORIGINAL CARD

1. Tito Santana d. The Executioner

2. King Kong Bundy d. S.D. Jones

3. Ricky Steamboat d. Matt Bourne

4. Brutus Beefcake and David Sammartino wrestle to a double DQ

5. The Junk Yard Dog d. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine (c) by DQ – WWF Intercontinental Title

6. Nikolai Volkoff &The Iron Sheik d. The U.S. Express (c) – WWF Tag Team Title

7. Andre The Giant d. Big John Studd – $15,000 Bodyslam Challenge

8. Wendi Richter d. Lelani Kai (c) – WWF Women’s Title

9. Hulk Hogan & Mr.T d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff

JUSTIN ROZZERO

piper snuka
Don’t be a bully be a racist Star.

1. British Bulldogs d. Nikolai Volkoff & Iron Sheik

2. Ricky Steamboat d. Bret Hart

3. US Express (c) d. Matt Borne & Brutus Beefcake – WWF Tag Titles*

4. Paul Orndorff d. Bruno Sammartino

5. Wendi Richter d. Fabulous Moolah (c) – WWF Women’s Title

6. Andre the Giant, Mr. T & Junkyard Dog d. Ken Patera, King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd

7. Tito Santana d. Greg Valentine (c) – WWF IC Title Cage Match

8. Roddy Piper w/ Bob Orton d. Jimmy Snuka

9. Hulk Hogan (c) d. Magnificent Muraco – WWF Title – Guest Referee: Muhammad Ali

* This leads to creation of Dream Team later in year when Beefcake finds a new partner to defeat the US Express

AARON GEORGE

andrepiper
I’ve made a huge mistake…

Liberace sings America The Beautiful

1. Tito Santana d. Bret Hart

2. Cyndi Lauper d. Lelani Kai (c) – WWF Women’s Title
Fuck it, it’s the women’s title in 1985.

3. Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff d. The Junk Yard Dog

4. The U.S. Express (c) d. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd – WWF Tag Team Titles

5. Ken Patera w/Jimmy Hart d. “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka w/Billy Martin

Patera wins the battle of the managers. Martin was out of his depths. He is immediately fired after the match.

6. Mr. T & Bruno Sammartino d. Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik

The match is singed as Mr. T and a mystery partner. Bruno comes out to a huge ovation.

7. Andre The Giant d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper w/Bob Orton by Count Out
Piper runs his mouth to the wrong guy.

8. Ricky Steamboat d. The Magnificent Muraco

9. Hulk Hogan (c) d. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine – WWF Title – Guest Referee: Muhammad Ali
Sure you lose the IC match, but I think these two could really go.

STEVEN GRAHAM

moolahrichter
Fellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

1. Ricky Steamboat d. Iron Sheik
The hot young Steamboat gets a big victory over the former World Champion.

2. The British Bulldogs d. The Hart Foundation
Both teams have debuted already and their feud would rage on later in the year. Why not get a jump start at the first WrestleMania!

3. Matt Borne & Buddy Rose d. The U.S. Express (c) – WWF Tag Team Title
The two great workers from Portland teaming up would be great! A way better team than Sheik and Volkoff.

4. Wendi Richter d. Fabulous Moolah
Since Richter can not face Lelani Kai for the title, why not face the women who cost her the title? With Cyndi Lauper in her corner, it’s still a big deal.

5. Roddy Piper d. Jimmy Snuka
This feud was raging all over the house shows it only makes sense to showcase it here!

6. Andre the Giant & Junkyard Dog d. Ken Patera & Big John Studd
This feud was epic. Patera & Studd cut Andre’s long hair. These teams battled on some house shows and it seems like a huge match that should take place at WrestleMania.

7. Tito Santana d. Greg Valentine (c) – WWF Intercontinental Title Lumberjack Match
Another feud that was tearing up MSG. This match actually took place the month before this show, but why not delay it for the purposes of putting it on here? A great match up!

8. Bruno & David Sammartino d. Paul Orndorff & Bobby Heenan
Looking through results this was a match that headlined a few shows. I want to see it badly!

9.Hulk Hogan & Mr. T d. Don Muraco & Mr. Fuji
Hogan and Muraco were having a feud at the time. I wanted a singles, but I needed T in a match so Fuji gets added as well. This match would be on par with the real main event.

NICK DUKE

hoganlauper
Can someone explain “formal wear ” to Terry?

1. Ricky Steamboat d. The Executioner

2. Big John Studd & King Kong Bundy d. The U.S Express (c) – WWF Tag Titles
The tag title picture is shaken up when King Kong Bundy jumps ship from Jimmy Hart to the Heenan Family, joining forces with Big John Studd as a colossal challenger to the U.S. Express.

3. The British Bulldogs d. The Hart Foundation

4. Andre The Giant d. The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff – Handicap Match

5. Greg ” The Hammer” Valentine (c) d. Tito Santana – Intercontinental Title

6. Bruno Sammartino d. David Sammartino via Submission
In January, David turns on his father, angry about living in his shadow. The two book a match for Wrestlemania, which Bruno wins in 15 seconds. David, ashamed of the result and overall lack of talent, is never seen or heard from again.

7. Mr.T d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper by DQ
Piper hits a blatant low blow on T.

8. The Amazing Spider Lady (Fabulous Moolah) d. Lelani Kai (c) – WWF Women’s Title
At The War to Settle the Score, The Fabulous Moolah and Leilani Kai attacked Wendi Richter after the match and viciously attacked her vocal chords, permanently injuring her and leaving her unable to ever use her awful southern accent on television ever again. A week later, Kai is confronted by a new mysterious babyface challenger – the red and blue clad Amazing Spider-Lady, who claims to hail from Queens. At Wrestlemania, the Amazing Spider-Lady wins the women’s title to huge applause (or as huge as a women’s title change can receive) before unmasking to reveal herself as the Fabulous Moolah to a round of boos.

9. Hulk Hogan w/ Cyndi Lauper d. Paul Orndorff w/ Bob Orton – WWF Title, Muhammad Ali Special Guest Ref

BRIAN BAYLESS

teamhogan
Whatever you say Mr. T just please get your hand off my back…

1.Tito Santana d. Matt Borne

Having a crowd favorite like Santana open up the show with a win is a smart decision on this show. Plus, it gives him another win as he attempts to regain the IC Title from Valentine. 

2. King Kong Bundy d. Tony Garea

Instead of squashing S.D. Jones in 9 seconds, Bundy does the same to the former 5-time Tag Team Champion as they promote that fact after the match.

3. Wendi Richter w/ Cyndi Lauper d. Fabulous Moolah w/ Leilani Kai

Stipulations are that if Richter wins, she faces Kai for a title match at a later date (which if I am deciding things takes place at the first ever “Saturday Night’s Main Event.”). Lauper thwarts off Kai’s attempted interference during the match as well so she can get her moment during the match. 

4. Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo (c) d Ken Patera & Big John Studd – WWF Tag Team Titles

They really had no one else in the Tag Team Division at this time for the U.S. Express to face so here the champs retain by DQ after Bobby Heenan interferes. 

5. Ricky Steamboat TLD. Brutus Beefcake

A ten minute draw to showcase two relative newcomers to the WWF. It will also protect both guys as they do not suffer a loss. 

6. Greg Valentine (c) d. Tony Atlas – WWF Intercontinental Title

Atlas, who around this time was in line for the IC Title before personal issues did him in, loses in cheap fashion by count out to set up for future matches. 

7. Andre the Giant & JYD d. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff

The faces get the win here with Andre scoring the pin after the heels spent most of the match beating down JYD. 

8. Don Muraco d. David Sammartino

Muraco gets the win as he is kept strong for his house show matches against Hogan. 

9. Hulk Hogan & Jimmy Snuka & Mr. T d. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff & Bob Orton w/ Special Guest Referee Muhammed Ali

Hogan gets the pin as you can still have the misc-communication spot between Orndorff and Orton that leads to Orndorff turning face. 

GLENN BUTLER

piperhogan
Wait. Why is the doofus announcer in the shot?

1. David Sammartino (w/Bruno) d. The Executioner

2. Junkyard Dog d. Buddy Rose

3. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd (w/Bobby Heenan) d. The US Express (c) – WWF Tag Titles
Classic big-man stuff here.

4. Cyndi Lauper (w/Wendi Richter) d. Leilani Kai (c) (w/Moolah) – WWF Women’s Title

5. Ricky Steamboat d. Brutus Beefcake (w/Johnny V)

6. The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff (w/Classy Freddie Blassie) d. The British Bulldogs
Sheik & Volkoff win off a shot from Blassie’s cane.

7. Tito Santana d. Greg Valentine (c) (w/Jimmy Hart) – WWF Intercontinental Title
Just more one of their big matches here; they always deliver.

8. Mr. T & Andre the Giant d. Paul Orndorff & Bob Orton
The Hulkster’s best friends spin off to fight his rival’s underlings.

9. Hulk Hogan (c) def. Roddy Piper – WWF Title
It’s the War to Settle the Score, with Muhammad Ali as outside enforcer to keep the dastardly Orton & Orndorff at bay.

 

Whose WrestleMania card is your favorite?

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Thanks for joining us for the first installment of The Great WrestleMania Re-Book. Feel free to keep the discussion going at the Place To Be Nation Facebook page. Tune in next time for a catastrophe of a show that is WrestleMania II!

Author: Place to Be Nation Staff

Place to Be Nation Staff pieces feature any number of our contributors who are multifaceted when it comes to Pop Culture expertise.