We’ve all done this. We’ve all sat around the campfire, water-cooler, sacrifice pit and meticulously tried to re-book the Granddaddy of the all. Brilliant idea after brilliant idea has flowed from the minds of countless brilliant people which made us at Place To Be Nation sit up and say, “We’re somewhat brilliant. We can piece together two or three coherent sentences. Surely we can book an all time classic like WrestleMania IX.” So welcome To the Great WrestleMania Re-Book. For each of the 30 celebrations of life (TM WWF 1999) Justin Rozzero, Aaron George, Steven Graham, Nick Duke, Brian Bayless, Trent Williams, and Glenn Butler, give you their versions of each showcase of the immortals. In order to ensue a different spin with this thing here’s a few rules we’ve all sworn a blood-oath to uphold:
– For any given year you can have NO MATCHES THAT WERE ON THE ORIGINAL CARD. So WrestleMania III say goodbye to Savage/Steamboat and Hogan/Andre cause we have to come up with something completely different.
– For every year YOU MUST RESPECT THE CURRENT CHAMPIONS GOING INTO THE EVENT. So even if it hurts our hearts Miz is still champ going into 27, Triple H still has his reign of terror at XIX and Cena is still champ going into 36.
– As much as we are sticklers for the given circumstances and champions we may CHANGE THE WINNER OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Otherwise we’d be unable to follow rule number one from 1993-2003. Imagine we’re booking the show as of January 1st.
IF A CELEBRITY WRESTLES/BOXES A PHYSICAL MATCH AT A GIVEN SHOW, HE/SHE MUST HAVE A MATCH AT THE SHOWS WE BOOK. Sorry, no getting out of seeing Snooki “compete.”
– Aside from that we are free to USE ANY MEMBER OF THE ROSTER AT THE TIME THAT WAS HEALTHY OR SCRATCH SOMEONE FROM THE CURRENT CARD IF WE FEEL THEY DON’T FIT AND/OR HATE THEM.
– Unless it’s specified by the given author EVERY ONE OF THESE CARDS LIVES IN IT’S OWN UNIVERSE. Otherwise this could very quickly descend into 30 years of fantasy booking instead of seeing what we could each make with the given circumstances. If a butterfly effect is enacted it will be mentioned but I think we’ll keep it to a respectable minimum.
So there’re our awful, rigid, back-breaking rules. Without further ado, here’s the Great WrestleMania Re-Book!
LONG ISLAND/CHICAGO/LOS ANGELES – APRIL 7TH 1986
THE ORIGINAL CARD
1. Paul Orndorff d. The Magnificent Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji
2. “Macho Man” Randy Savage (c) d. George “The Animal Steele” – Intercontinental Title
3. Jake Roberts d. George Wells
4. Mr. T d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper by DQ – Boxing Match
5. The Fabulous Moolah (c) d. Velvet McIntyre – WWF Women’s Title
6. Corporal Kirchner d. Nikolai Volkoff – Flag Match
7. Andre The Giant d. 19 Men – WWF vs NFL Battle Royale
8. The British Bulldogs d. The Dream Team (c) – WWF Tag Team Titles
9. Ricky Steamboat d. Hercules Hernandez
10. Adrian Adonis d. Uncle Elmer
11. Terry Funk & Hoss Funk d. Tito Santana & The Junk Yard Dog
12. Hulk Hogan d. King Kong Bundy – WWF Title Steel Cage Match
1. British Bulldogs w/ Ozzy Osbourne d. Hart Foundation
2. Mr. T d. King Kong Bundy via DQ
3. Bruno Sammartino d. Hercules – Bruno’s Retirement Match*
4. Randy Savage (c) d. Tito Santana – WWF IC Title
5. Paul Orndorff d. Adrian Adonis
6. Andre the Giant NC William “Refrigerator” Perry – NFL/WWF Lumberjack Match
7. Terry Funk d. Junkyard Dog
8. Dream Team (c) d. Killer Bees – WWF Tag Titles 2/3 Falls
9. Volkoff & Sheik d. Rougeau Brothers
10. Jake Roberts d. Corporal Kirchner
11. Ricky Steamboat d. Magnificent Muraco **
12. Hulk Hogan (c) d. Roddy Piper – WWF Title Steel Cage
* Set up when Hercules attacked Bruno with his chain at an MSG house show where Bruno was announcing his retirement
** Roberts DDTs Steamboat on the floor after the match
1.Jake Roberts d. Tito Santana
2. Mr. T d. Adrian Adonis
T doesn’t suffer any ‘fools”. And that’s a much more PC term than he would have used.
3. Bruno Sammartino d. Pedro Morales- Bruno & Pedro’s Retirement Match.
4. “Macho Man” Randy Savage (c) d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – Intercontinental Title
What starts over a simple disagreement about who’s crazier blows up into an all out war.
5. Ricky Steamboat d. Hoss Funk
6. The Dream Team (c) d. The Killer Bees – WWF Tag Titles
7. William Perry d. Big John Studd – $15,000 Bodyslam Challenge
Covert, Fralik, Francis, Holmes and Martin all try one by one, but only Fridge can do it.
8. Andre The Giant d. King Kong Bundy
9. The British Bulldogs w/ Ozzy Osbourne d. The Hart Foundation
10.Paul Orndorff d. Hercules
11.Junk Yard Dog d. The Magnificent Muraco
12. Hulk Hogan (c) d. Terry Funk – WWF Title Steel Cage Match
Just a brutal, brutal encounter with blade jobs all around.
1. The Hart Foundation d. The Killer Bees
I think I like the Bees-Harts better than Harts-Bulldogs. They had some awesome stuff in 1986, so let’s open this show up hot!
2. Paul Orndorff d. Bob Orton Jr.
The redemption of Orndorff from WrestleMania story would be better against Orton.
3. “Macho Man” Randy Savage (c) d. Dynamite Kid – Intercontinental Title
Savage needs an opponent and I already used up Steamboat & Tito.
4. Bruno Sammartino & Pedro Morales d. Hoss Funk & Terry Funk
WWWF legends against NWA legends in Bruno’s home town. This would be heated.
5. Don Muraco d. King Tonga
This match was on “The Big Event”. I enjoyed that, but a shorter sprint version would be fun.
6. Mr. T. & Junkyard Dog d. Nikolai Volkoff & Iron Sheik
I need T on the show and why not here?
7. Andre The Giant d. 19 Men – WWF vs NFL Battle Royale
The participants change to whoever is not on the rest of the show.
8. The Dream Team (c) d. Tito Santana & Ricky Steamboat – WWF Tag Team Titles
This great match actually took place in Maple Leaf Gardens, but why not re-create it here and this time add the titles!
9.The Crush Girls d. Dump Matsumoto & Bull Nakano
They were using these teams on house shows leading up to WrestleMania. One would assume they were building a match against each other that never happened, until now!
10. Jake Roberts d. Danny Spivey
Just a different opponent for Jake to squash.
11. Adrian Adonis d. Tony Atlas
I think this would be interesting.
12. Hulk Hogan (c) d. Roddy Piper – WWF Title
The hottest feud never had their big epic match. It can be here.
1. King Kong Bundy d. George “The Animal” Steele
2. William Perry & Bill Fralic of YOUR ATLANTA FALCONS w/ Jimbo Covert, Russ Francis, Ernie Holmes & Harvey Martin d. The Hart Foundation
Fralic forces Bret Hart to Submit in 5 minutes (Just for You, Greg Philips!)
3. Tito Santana & The Junk Yard Dog d. The Dream Team (c) – WWF Tag Titles
4. Jake Roberts d. Bruno Sammartino
Jake Roberts debuts in March, and immediately guns for Bruno Sammartino. In a shocking turn of events, Roberts defeats Sammartino in what will be Bruno’s last major appearance.
5. Paul Orndorff and Ricky Steamboat wrestle to a time limit draw
In my world, the Paul Orndorff face turn never happened. All heel, all the time.
6. Corporal Kirchner d. Uncle Elmer – Flag Match
Uncle Elmer has turned on his fellow rednecks, and now claims Southern supremacy will eventually win us all over. He carries a Confederate flag to the ring and sings Dixie in what I suspect would only be the worst singing voice in the history of wrestling, which covers a lot of ground. This act earns the ire of Corporal Kirchner, and away we go with the flag match.
7. Andre The Giant d. “Macho Man” Randy Savage by Count Out – Intercontinental Title
8. Mr. T d. Bob Orton by Knockout – Boxing Match
T vs Orton never happened at Saturday Night’s Main Event, but was instead held for WrestleMania.
9. The Fabulous Moolah (c) d. Judy Martin – WWF Women’s Title
10. The British Bulldogs d. Terry Funk & Hoss Funk – No DQ Match
The No DQ tag match arises when the Funks steal Matilda. Because there’s nothing rednecks love more than stealing dogs and nothing they hate more than foreigners.
11. The Killer Bees d. The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff
12. Hulk Hogan (c) d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – WWF Title Steel Cage Match
1. British Bulldogs & Capt. Lou Albano d. Dream Team & Johnny V.
Bulldogs & Albano win as they get a title shot down the road as a result.
2. Jake Roberts d. “Leaping” Lanny Poffo
Roberts gets the win in two minutes then chokes out Poffo with his snake to put him over as a singles threat.
3. Randy Savage (c) d. Paul Orndorff – WWF Intercontinental Title
Savage cheats to win then gets assaulted by Orndorff after the match to kick off a feud
4. Mr. T & Bruno Sammartino d. Bob Orton & Don Muraco
Bruno and Mr. T are victorious here as they defeat Piper’s pals in a brawl.
1. Junkyard Dog d. Terry Funk w/ Jimmy Hart
Dog wins by DQ after Hart brands him but Funk attacks him from behind as their feud continues.
2. King King Bundy w/ Bobby Heenan d. Hillbilly Jim
Bundy gets the clean win as he is getting built up for a future title shot.
3. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart d. George “The Animal” Steele
Adonis outsmarts Steele to win by countout.
4. Andre the Giant d. Big John Studd w/ Bobby Heenan – Lumberjack Match w/ All of the NFL Players
William “Refrigerator” Perry stands off with Studd a few times during the match. Giant wins with a bodyslam
1. Tito Santana d. Iron Sheik
Tito gets a win here a couple of months after losing the IC Title to Savage
2. Hercules Hernandez w/ Freddie Blassie d. King Tonga
Hercules gets a win to establish himself as a powerhouse in the WWF.
3. Killer Bees d. Hart Foundation
Another competitive match between two of the best teams in the company.
4. Hulk Hogan d. Roddy Piper – Steel Cage, WWF World Heavyweight Championship
Hogan wins a bloodbath to retain the belt.
1. The Magnificent Muraco w/ Mr. Fuji d. Hillbilly Jim
2. “Macho Man” Randy Savage d. Paul Orndorff – Intercontinental Title
3. Jake Roberts d. Ricky Steamboat
4. The Hart Foundation w/ Jimmy Hart d. The British Bulldogs w/ Ozzy Osborne & Lou Albano
5. Mr. T d. Bob Orton – Boxing Match
6. The Dream Team d. The Killer Bees – WWF Tag Titles
7. Andre The Giant & William Perry d. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd w/Bobby Heenan
8. Tito Santana d. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart by DQ
9. Terry Funk w/ Jimmy Hart wrestles The Junk Yard Dog to a double countout.
10. Hulk Hogan d. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (c) – WWF Title Steel Cage Match
I would have Piper take the title from Hogan at WM 1 and have a year long run and by the time this match comes around their feud would be so intense the only way to really settle it is in a steel cage.
1. Tito Santana & Ricky Steamboat (w/Ozzy Osbourne) def. The Dream Team (Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake) (c) – WWF Tag Titles
2. Roddy Piper def. George Steele
3. Randy Savage (c) def. Bruno Sammartino – WWF Intercontinental Title
It’s a blessing to have Bruno in an actual match, so one mustn’t waste it.
The Chicago region of WrestleMania 2 is devoted to a special 32-man tournament.
4. Andre the Giant def. King Tonga
5. Jake Roberts def. B. Brian Blair
6. Nikolai Volkoff def. Tony Atlas
7. Jimbo Covert def. Bret Hart
8. Big John Studd def. Russ Francis
9. Dan Spivey def. Hercules Hernandez
10. William the Refrigerator Perry def. George Wells
11. The Iron Sheik def. Pedro Morales in a battle of former WWF Champions
12. Jim Brunzell def. Iron Mike Sharpe
13. Bob Orton def. Paul Orndorff
Orndorff is still out for his final revenge against Orton & Piper for turning against him, but he doesn’t get it here.
14. Ernie Holmes def. Jim Neidhart
15. Hillbilly Jim def. Tiger Chung Lee
16. Adrian Adonis def. Bill Fralic
17. Junkyard Dog def. Don Muraco
18. Uncle Elmer def. Harvey Martin
19. King Kong Bundy def. Ted Arcidi
20. Andre the Giant def. Jake Roberts
21. Nikolai Volkoff def. Jimbo Covert
22. Big John Studd def. Dan Spivey
23. William the Refrigerator Perry def. The Iron Sheik
24. Bob Orton def. Jim Brunzell
25. Hillbilly Jim def. Ernie Holmes
26. Junkyard Dog def. Adrian Adonis
27. King Kong Bundy def. Uncle Elmer
28. Andre the Giant def. Nikolai Volkoff
29. Big John Studd def. William the Refrigerator Perry
30. Hillbilly Jim def. Bob Orton
31. King Kong Bundy def. Junkyard Dog
32. Andre the Giant def. Big John Studd
33. King Kong Bundy def. Hillbilly Jim
34. Andre the Giant def. King Kong Bundy
Lots of big showdowns here. Bundy vs. Uncle Elmer, Andre vs. Studd, Studd vs. Perry, Bundy vs. JYD, Perry vs. Iron Sheik, Orndorff vs. Orton, and obviously the finals. Also picture Bobby Heenan doing interviews between rounds, swearing up & down that regardless of whether it’s Studd or Bundy, one of his charges is taking Andre down tonight. After persevering through the entire tournament, Andre celebrates with the Where’s the Beef lady.
35. The British Bulldogs (w/Captain Lou) def. Terry & Hoss Funk
Just a great, solid match here.
36. The Fabulous Moolah (c) def. Dawn Marie – WWF Women’s Title
Make this one short. Very.
37. Hulk Hogan (c) def. Mr. T – WWF Title Steel Cage Match
It’s a catastrophe: after the success of WrestleMania I seemingly cemented their bond, Hulk Hogan’s best friend has betrayed him!
Thanks for joining us for the first installment of The Great WrestleMania Re-Book. Feel free to keep the discussion going at the Place To Be Nation Facebook page. Tune in next time to see how we make WrestleMania III worse! In the meantime, catch up on out WrestleMania I rebook!