The Great WrestleMania Re-Book: WrestleMania IX

wrestlemania-9-logo

We’ve all done this. We’ve all sat around the campfire, water-cooler, sacrifice pit and meticulously tried to re-book the Granddaddy of the all. Brilliant idea after brilliant idea has flowed from the minds of countless brilliant people which made us at Place To Be Nation sit up and say, “We’re somewhat brilliant. We can piece together two or three coherent sentences. Surely we can book an all time classic like WrestleMania IX.” So welcome To the Great WrestleMania Re-Book. For each of the 30 celebrations of life (TM WWF 1999) Justin Rozzero, Aaron George, Steven Graham, Nick Duke, Brian Bayless, Trent Williams and Glenn Butler, give you their versions of each showcase of the immortals. In order to ensue a different spin with this thing here’s a few rules we’ve all sworn a blood-oath to uphold:

– For any given year you can have NO MATCHES THAT WERE ON THE ORIGINAL CARD. So WrestleMania III say goodbye to Savage/Steamboat and Hogan/Andre cause we have to come up with something completely different.

– For every year YOU MUST RESPECT THE CURRENT CHAMPIONS GOING INTO THE EVENT. So even if it hurts our hearts Miz is still champ going into 27, Triple H still has his reign of terror at XIX and Cena is still champ going into 36.

– As much as we are sticklers for the given circumstances and champions we may CHANGE THE WINNER OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Otherwise we’d be unable to follow rule number one from 1993-2003. Imagine we’re booking the show as of January 1st.

IF A CELEBRITY WRESTLES/BOXES A PHYSICAL MATCH AT A GIVEN SHOW, HE/SHE MUST HAVE A MATCH AT THE SHOWS WE BOOK. Sorry no getting out of seeing Snooki “compete”.

– Aside from that we are free to USE ANY MEMBER OF THE ROSTER AT THE TIME THAT WAS HEALTHY OR SCRATCH SOMEONE FROM THE CURRENT CARD IF WE FEEL THEY DON’T FIT AND/OR HATE THEM.

– Unless it’s specified by the given author EVERY ONE OF THESE CARDS LIVES IN IT’S OWN UNIVERSE. Otherwise this could very quick descend into 30 years of fantasy booking instead of seeing what we could each make with the given circumstances. If a butterfly effect is enacted it will be mentioned but I think we’ll keep it to a respectable minimum.

So there’s our awful, rigid, back-breaking rules. Without further ado, here’s the Great WrestleMania Re-Book!

caersa's
The home of all sane decisions.

LAS VEGAS APRIL 4TH 1993

THE ORIGINAL CARD

1. Tatanka d Shawn Michaels (c) by countout – Intercontinental Title

2. The Steiner Brothers d. The Headshrinkers

3. Doink The Clown d. Crush

4. Razor Ramon d. Bob Backlund

5. Money Inc.(c) d. The Mega Maniacs by DQ – WWF Tag Team Titles

6. Lex Luger d. Mr. Perfect

7. The Undertaker d. Giant Gonzalez by DQ

8. Yokuzuna d. Bret “Hitman” Hart – WWF Title

9. Hulk Hogan d. Yokozuna (c) – WWF Title

JUSTIN ROZZERO

bambamtaker
2-1???

1. Steiner Brothers d. Money, Inc. (c) – WWF Tag Titles

2. Yokozuna d. Bob Backlund

3. Undertaker d. Bam Bam Bigelow

4. Doink d. Tito Santana

5. Hulk Hogan w/ Brutus Beefcake d. Jerry Lawler w/ Bobby Heenan

6. Razor Ramon d. Crush

7. Mr. Perfect d. Shawn Michaels (c) – WWF Intercontinental Title

8. Lex Luger d. Tatanka *

9. Bret Hart (c) d. Randy Savage – WWF Title, 2/3 Falls **

* Tatanka’s undefeated record is ended
** Randy Savage won the 1993 Royal Rumble

AARON GEORGE

lugerhogan
Like this but with more color.

In lieu of a Roman theme, this WrestleMania is set at the court of Louis XIV.

1. Strike Force d. The Headshrinkers
Finally, the dynamic duo wins at WrestleMania.

2. Shawn Michaels (c) d. Bob Backlund – Intercontinental Title
Riding his Royal Rumble performance, Backlund just comes up short. Shows an abnormal amount of disappointment.

3. Bam Bam Bigelow d. Yokozuna
“The Immovable Object vs. The Immovable Object” – Gorilla Monsoon, 1993

4. Jerry “The King” Lawler d. Tatanka
Jerry ends the winning streak in the most distasteful of fashions. The build involves feathers, beatings and many calls from community leaders.

5.The Steiner Brothers d. Money Inc. (C) – WWF Tag Team Titles
Louis comes out to present the titles to the Steiners.

6. Lex Luger d. Hulk Hogan
Kicking off an incredible year for the Narcissist which sees him dethrone Bret Hart at Summerslam. Hogan is knocked out by the forearm which leads Ross to speculate that A: something is up with Luger’s arm and B; is this the end of Hulkamania? (It isn’t. He jobs to Bret at KOTR.)

7. Razor Ramon d. Mr. Perfect

8. The Undertaker d. Doink
All the Doinks show up. Taker Tombstones them all one by one. Ross loses his shit.

9. Bret “Hitman” Hart (c) d. “Macho Man” Randy Savage – WWF Title
Savage won the Rumble and legitimizes Bret in a classic.

STEVEN GRAHAM

yokoduggan
The best of Japan AND America.

1. Shawn Michaels (c) d. Crush – Intercontinental Title
Crush was really over at this time, Shawn can cheat here.

2. The Headshrinkers d. The Nasty Boys
A wild brawl here.

3. Bam Bam Bigelow, Razor Ramon & Giant Gonzales d. Tatanka, Tito Santana & Virgil
The Giant stays on the apron and only comes in for the finish.

4. Yokozuna d. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
A natural match.

5. The Steiner Brothers d. Money Inc.(c) – WWF Tag Team Titles
The new awesome team puts an end to the long reign of Money Inc.

6. Mr. Perfect d. Jerry “The King” Lawler
A great feud in the AWA & Memphis and a good call back for old school fans.

7. The Undertaker d. Doink the Clown
This feud in 1993 would have been amazing!

8. Lex Luger d. Hulk Hogan
Luger steals the win by smashing Hogan with the mirror.

9. Bret “Hitman” Hart (c) d. “Macho Man” Randy Savage – WWF Title
Savage wins the Royal Rumble and you get this classic here. This is the match they should had gone with.

NICK DUKE

yokosavage
Leave him alone Randy, he’s sleepy.

1. Razor Ramon d. Brutus Beefcake

2. Bam Bam Bigelow d. Doink the Clown

3. Jerry Lawler (c) d. Bob Backlund – USWA Title

4. Randy Savage d. Yokozuna w/ Mr. Fuji

5. Giant Gonzalez d. Tatanka
Thus continues the losing streak the Native American has been on since WrestleMania VIII.

6. Shawn Michaels (c) w/ Luna Vachon d. Mr. Perfect – Intercontinental Title

7. The Steiner Brothers d. Money Inc. (c) – WWF Tag Team Titles

8. The Undertaker w/ Paul Bearer d. Lex Luger

9. Hulk Hogan d. Bret Hart (c) – WWF Title

BRIAN BAYLESS

michaelsperfect
What’s happening here???

1. Steiners d. Money Inc (c) – WWF Tag Team Title Match
A good match to open the show as the titles change hands

2. Lex Luger d. Brutus Beefcake
Luger destroys Beefcake with his forearm to win the match. Afterwards, Luger beats down Beefcake to get him over further as a heel

3. Jerry Lawler d. Randy Savage
Lawler gets a cheap win by countout as he plays the cowardly heel. After the match, Savage chases him to the back.

4. Razor Ramon d. Tatanka
Razor ends the streak with a clean win to get him over even further.

5. Hulk Hogan d. Papa Shango
Hogan returns to get a win in rather easy fashion, then declares that Hulkamania is here to stay.

6. Shawn Michaels (c) d. Mr. Perfect – WWF Intercontinental Title
Great, back-and-forth match that has Shawn retain cleanly.

7. Doink d. Bob Backlund
The evil clown foils the former World Champion.

8. Head Shrinkers & Bam Bam Bigelow d. Nasty Boys & Crush
A solid hard-hitting bout to fill the time.

9. Yokozuna w/ Mr. Fuji d. Bret Hart (c) d Undertaker
The match starts out competitive, then we have a ref bump. Mr. Fuji gets up on the apron to throw salt but gets stopped by Bearer. However, Fuji is able to throw salt in the face of Bearer and steal the urn. Taker sees this and goes after him. All of a sudden, Razor runs in and attacks Bret but Owen Hart returns to make the save. In the process, Razor ducks a spinning heel kick from Owen that accidentally hits Bret, then Yoko hits the Bonzai Splash for the win. So, you set up Bret/Razor and Taker/Yoko feuds here with Hogan around in case of emergency.

TRENT WILLIAMS

savagebret
See now this looks right…

1. Mr Perfect w/ Sensational Sherri d. Shawn Michaels (c) w/ Luna Vachon by DQ – Intercontinental Title
Once again I think this would be an amazing match to start off the show with two of the best workers in WWE history.

2. The Nasty Boys d. The Headshrinkers w/ Afa

3. Razor Ramon d. Tatanka
Razor was on his way to being a hot star at the time and I think if he is the one to break Tatanka’s winnning streak it would be a great way to propel him to the next level by beating arguably one of the hottest babyfaces at the time.

4. Bob Backlund d. Jerry Lawler
I think it’s a shame that Jerry Lawler had to wait so long for his first WrestleMania match at 27, so I make his mania debut here against Bob Backlund who Lawler would mock in the buildup for this by saying Backlund is so boring and out of touch and he just needs to go back to Mayberry with his Pa and Aunt Bee so that the King can rule over the New Generation.

5. Lex Luger d. Crush

6. The Steiner Brothers d. Money Inc (c) w/ JImmy Hart – WWF Tag Titles

7. Hulk Hogan w/ Brutus Beefcake d. Yokozuna w/ Mr Fuji by DQ
Mr Fuji throws salt in Hogan’s eyes and the referee sees it. So to avoid that whole debacle at the end of WrestleMania I would just have an actual built match between he and Yoko and let that be the last real monster in WWE that he tries to slay before leaving. I can’t let Hogan beat Yoko clean because I have to keep him strong since he would go on to be the biggest heel in the WWF for a few years to come.

8. The Undertaker w/ Paul Bearer d. Doink the Clown
At this time Doink was a great evil heel who was twisted and got laughter and enjoyment out of cruel pranks, so what I would do is have Doink start playing pranks on Undertaker, but Undertaker will no sell it because of course he’s dead. After a few times of pranking him Doink sees his pranks are having no effect so he gets pissed and just attacks The Undertaker so Undertaker starts to fight back sending Doink in retreat and setting up this match.

9. Bret Hart (c) d. Randy Savage – WWF Title
I would have Savage somehow find a way to eliminate the massive Yokozuna and win the Royal Rumble so he would get a title match against Bret. I would have Savage turn heel and tell Bret that Bret is not ready to carry this company on his back as World Champion and even if he was ready Savage is not ready to step down and solely be an announcer he still has a lot in him and at WrestleMania he will show The Hitman what the Madness of the Macho Man is all about.

GLENN BUTLER

doink
Way to go champ! Thanks Champ!

1. Jerry Lawler def. Bob Backlund
Lawler interrupts the processional at the beginning of the show, saying that he’s the only TRUE king and that Caesar is just a pretender.

2. Shawn Michaels (c) def. Brutus Beefcake – WWF Intercontinental Title
Sherri is still trying to screw with Michaels, leading into the next match.

3. Sherri def. Luna Vachon

4. Doink & a second Doink def. The Steiner Brothers
Color commentator Bobby Heenan doesn’t believe there’s another Doink, and spends the entire match bloviating about how brave Doink is to fight a handicap match against such a tough tag team.

5. Undertaker def. Papa Shango
This one plays out a little like a Pok√©mon battle. Both supernatural superstars chant incantations and throw their best spells & battle skills at each other; “Shango Shango,” says Papa Shango, but he’s just not powerful enough.

6. Tito Santana & Randy Savage def. Money, Inc. (c) – WWF Tag Titles

7. Razor Ramon def. Mr. Perfect

8. Bam Bam Bigelow def. Kamala

9. Hulk Hogan def. Bret Hart (c) – WWF World Title

Whose WrestleMania IX card is your favorite?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Thanks for joining us for the first installment of The Great WrestleMania Re-Book. Feel free to keep the discussion going at the Place To Be Nation Facebook page. Tune in next time for the first anniversary show, WrestleMania X! In the meantime, catch up on our previous re-books:

WrestleMania
WrestleMania 2
WrestleMania III
WrestleMania IV
WrestleMania V
WrestleMania VI
WrestleMania VII
WrestleMania VIII
 

Author: Place to Be Nation Staff

Place to Be Nation Staff pieces feature any number of our contributors who are multifaceted when it comes to Pop Culture expertise.