Monday Night Raw
September 29, 2014
Chicago, Illinois
“Ring announcer steps to the mike…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…THE FOLLOWING SUPERSTAR WILL NOT BE WRESTLING FOR YOU TONIGHT….DAN McGINN….”
The crowd is stunned…and non-plussed at the same time. However, in his place is……
“BEHOLD THE KING…..THE KING OF KINGS….”
That’s right Place to Be Nation, for one night only I have returned to sit on my throne as Raw’s #1 recapper. Mr. McGinn is wrestling overseas in Japan tonight so I will be working it here in Chi-Town, where CM Punk will NOT BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE. We will not waste good words tonight on that senseless drivel. We go back to last Monday when HHH stuck it to Cena and Ambrose who both wanted Seth Rollins, and Ambrose almost killed himself jumping into a moving car. We then go to Friday on Smackdown when Ambrose and Rollins brawled but that oaf Kane got in the way, but Ambrose took the briefcase. We now head live into the Allstate Arena where we begin with the Authority coming to the ring. Stephanie is looking more and more like an Amazon when she wears skirts and those weird heels. We’re heading into October so everything is pink for Breast Cancer Awareness month. Steph wonders why the fans love quitters, because they are quitters and she runs them down. She says quitters steal, like Dean Ambrose. Triple H says he won’t allow anyone to disrespect this business and that’s what Dean Ambrose did. We are interrupted by Paul Heyman, who came out because he heard the word disrespected. That’s because he says WWE Champion Brock Lesnar feels he was disrespected. Some dude in the front row has a huge Colt Cabana head. Heyman talks about what happened at Night of Champions involving Rollins and Brock Lesnar. Stephanie gets in Paul’s face but out comes Seth Rollins, without his briefcase. He tells Paul the Authority didn’t tell him to run down at Night of Champions. Seth says what he did that night was all his own choices. He says Paul should relate to being an “opportunist”. Rollins wants to be the best, and beating the best means beating Brock Lesnar. And there’s the CM Punk chants. Christ, people. Rollins apologizes to Heyman for disrespecting anybody. Heyman goes to leave but Triple H stops him and says to have a nice night. The topic shifts to Ambrose, who Rollins says doesn’t deal with things like normal people. Rollins says there’s personal items in that briefcase and he demands it back. Ambrose shows up on the TitanTron and he rips the Authority, then tells Rollins to go get the briefcase. All three leave the ring and go up the ramp but John Cena runs out and attacks Rollins. Mr. Money in the Bank escapes. Why doesn’t Cena run after him? Oh wait, too HEEL.
We will see plenty of Susan G. Komen vignettes tonight and all month.
We head backstage where the Authority tells Rollins not to go after the briefcase, and HHH sends Mercury and Noble off to get them, without briefcases.
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Dolph Ziggler © vs. Miz vs. Cesaro
Cesaro won a battle royal Friday on Smackdown to get this title shot. Then he got the title shot that same night and was pinned by Ziggler while he grabbed the bottom rope. I wonder if that dude with the Colt Cabana head will get tossed from the building. No, because WWE security won’t care if there’s a “Scotty Goldman” face in the crowd. The match is a spotfest, which includes a sweet sequence where Dolph hits a simultaneous neckbreaker/DDT on both guys. Ziggler steals the win after Cesaro decks Miz with an uppercut when Miz was coming off the ropes. A solid enough affair and Ziggy retains the title. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler
Mercury and Noble are looking for Ambrose, and we get another shameless Khali spot.
We get a weird vignette with Bray Wyatt, but it focuses on Harper. The Authority stooges can’t find Ambrose, but Noble has mustard on his face. Miz barges in and Sandow acts for him that the triple threat was a travesty. HHH laughs, but then Trips says “If you ever barge in and bark orders again, your straight to DVD career, will be straight to the unemployment line.” Tremendous.
MATCH
Layla vs. Rosa Mendes
I don’t care what my Favorite Person on the Planet Ben Morse says. Promoting “Total Divas” is one thing, but using the show for storylines? Get real. It was great to see fat Jim Neidhart on the show. Tyson Kidd is a joke. Pure and simple. That E! show is keeping him employed. Hair extension problems? I forgot about these fast-forward moments. WINNER: Layla
Dean Ambrose is in the arena. We return from break and indeed Ambrose comes out to the ring. I love Ambrose’s theme. He grabs a table and opens it up in the ring. He says he was up in the concession stands and that the Authority sucks at selling merchandise. He has Seth Rollins’ duffel bag and he’s throwing all his stuff around the ring. He’s throwing t-shirts around when Noble and Mercury come out wanting the briefcase. Ambrose hits a great line when he says the cruiserweight division came to get him. Ambrose gives the stooges open invitations to come get it but they bail. He decides to start throwing free t-shirts into the crowd. Out comes Rollins with the stooges. Then come the obligatory security humps, who look like Indy wrestlers and strip club bouncers. He tells security they looked like rosebuds last week. Ambrose caves in and leaves the ring without the briefcase. Rollins gets in the ring, opens the briefcase and gets sprayed with green goo. Like a DX security system. Ambrose is crazy over. Actually Rollins is too. Put them in a Cell.
We get Rollins backstage flipping out while Orton is laughing at them. HHH books a tag match between Cena/Ambrose and Orton/Kane. Because that’s a fresh match. The briefcase starts vibrating, and Rollins says it’s a razor. Because dildo jokes mean ratings.
Mark Henry comes out as we get a recap of his issues with Rusev. Henry apologizes for what happened when he is interrupted by former NXT Champ and current RAW Jobber Bo Dallas. He says the Hall of Pain should be closed.
MATCH
Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas
Quickie match, and the jobber wins. WINNER: Bo Dallas
After the break, Bo is in an interview when Mark Henry attacks and absolutely slaughters him.
We get an awesome crazed promo with the Tag Team Champions, the Dust Brothers.
HANDICAP MATCH
Brie Bella vs. Eva Marie & Cameron
Nikki Bella comes out and rips Brie for quitting in this building earlier in the year at Payback. She says Brie didn’t quit for Daniel Bryan, she quit for the attention. So now while Nikki was put in handicap matches because she quit. So now Brie has to suffer. So she’s in a handicap match, but sadly Nikki picks two total stiffs. And now Brie does the YES YES chant…proving that Daniel Bryan wasn’t the one they were cheering? Nah. WINNER: Brie Bella
MATCH
Titus O’Neil & Heath Slater vs. Los Matadores
Hornswoggle is dressed as a mini gator. Jesse Jackson is in the crowd. Adam Rose and some rosebuds are at the announce table. The little gator is being chased by #midgetmantaur. Nothing match. WINNERS: Slater Gator
Titus goes after #midgetmantaur but Rose and the Rabbit saves him. The Rabbit splashes Slater.
We are joined by Rusev, who in my opinion is slowly losing steam. He got knocked out by Big Show and that just shouldn’t have happened. Lana’s looking hot as always. She says the Big Show is a sore loser and a coward for attacking Rusev from behind. Big Show comes out and rips them for the propaganda. These Rusev feuds are getting so bland. We get a recap of this whole thing with Henry, Show and Rusev. Show says the truth is Rusev was knocked out. Rusev wants to rip Show’s guts, break his bones and all that. Show runs to the ring and Rusev runs away. This is the pits. The big Russian flag is in the ring and Show is taunting Rusev and Lana. Show rips the big flag down. Rusev tries to get into the ring and Show keeps chucking him out.
Renee is with John Cena, who goes back to his ol’ crappy shill promos. He wants Rollins and Ambrose comes out and says he wants Rollins. Ambrose says no one takes food off his plate, not even John Cena.
MATCH
AJ Lee vs. Alicia Fox
Out comes sexy pale Paige, who says people took advantage of her kind nature as a weakness. So she has a new best friend. Alicia Fox? God what happened to cool divas like Maryse? Alicia wins with Paige interference. WINNER: Alicia Fox
Paige beats on AJ while Alicia Fox grabs two sodas. They soak her down.
Another Wyatt vignette focusing on Harper.
Wow, pimping Austin’s podcast again? Interesting…
MATCH
Sheamus vs. Damien Mizdow
Sheamus is in the dictionary under “roaming aimlessly”. Its amazing Cole and Miz were both heels in 2011. Now they hate each other like it never existed. Mizdow wears Miz’s tights. Match is standard and Sheamus hits the kick. WINNER: Sheamus
Out comes Hulk Hogan to a…mediocre pop? He’s decked out in pink. Yeah, the crowd is kind of tepid here. They want Punk, not this old fossil. He says Hulkamania has been running wild for over 30 years. At least he got the city right. Susan G. Coleman? Oh Komen. He’s a mess. His big announcement is that there’s breast cancer survivors in the crowd, which is of course cool. Oh and he tells everyone to buy pink stuff on wweshop.com.
Backstage Orton is still pissed he has to fight Rollins’ battles. Kane is too, but Stephanie comes in to do her usual blabber.
MATCH
Dean Ambrose & John Cena vs. Kane & Randy Orton
Cole says John Cena has had great matches in Chicago. They don’t mention against who, but he has. We get the dueling Cena chants, the same bland commentary and the same bland main event match. It rolls along until the expected Seth Rollins run-in. WINNERS: Cena & Ambrose by disqualification.
Ambrose cleans out the ring and chases after Rollins. Ambrose and Cena has him cornered. Now of course the expected Cena and Ambrose battling over who gets to beat up Rollins. Ambrose has the briefcase but Orton RKO’s him. Kane knocks Cena out. In the ring Kane chokeslams Ambrose, then Rollins Curb Stomps him on the briefcase. Then they take out Cena, ending with a Curb Stomp. The heels stand tall tonight, and with that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: My one night return gives me a decent enough show, which some action in the ring and not too much fluff. I like all the pink stuff, even though I have no clue who Susan G. Coleman is. BROTHER!
