The Complete Guide to 2014 Super Bowl Commercials

This year’s Super Bowl commercials were the priciest of all time, clocking in at $4 million dollars for a 30 second ad. So which ones will be good and who just pissed away their company’s advertising budget? Let’s find out, shall we?


Audi is a weird company. Every year they have commercials that air on the Super Bowl and nowhere else. I have never seen the one with Jason Statham stealing cars or the prison heist one ever again. This year’s choice was a mixed bag. Although it was a creative commercial, it had absolutely nothing to do with selling cars. When people are asked ‘what did this commercial try to sell,’ they’ll be like *shrug*, because it had nothing to do with Audi… Also, why didn’t they go with the chihuahua head on the doberman body? That could have been equally funny. Still, this was kind of a waste of money spending 8 million dollars on this one minute ad. I mean, you could have literally put any product in there and get the same result.

Axe Body Spray

So Axe is now getting into the political arena? This commercial was an utter waste of time, as we know Axe is marketed towards Jersey Shore rejects, and now we’re supposed to believe that Taylor Swift shopping in the middle of war-torn Russia can stop a war? Because yeah everything’s in rubble, and tanks are rolling around outside, but I’ll put on a nice dress and high heels because I need some Yogurt dammit. Please. What a waste of money.  Or how about Mr. North Korea there, oh I’ll have this whole army put up a picture of us together, because we’re at war. That’s a good use of resources. that’s how coup d’etats happen my friend. i wouldn’t trust that old frowny guy to the right of her. He’s got something planned. Stick to your demographic guys.

Bank of America

Hey guys, sorry about fucking the world with our shady business practices. But hey we’ve got U2 singing about AIDS!

No clip.

Beats Music

I guess having headphones wasn’t enough. now they need to enlist Ellen … because nothing says hip and cool and cutting edge like Ellen. I can imagine the board room pitch – but she’s dancing with a bear! That’ll make people want to use us instead of spotify or rhapsody or pandora or anything else that streams music for free these days. Really? I needed 4 million dollars to tell me that? *shakes head*


Budweiser always spends a shit ton of money on their commercials. Some of them have been playing for a month with Reggie Watts and Arnold hyping the new twist bottles, but they shelled out $20 million dollars for some ad time, because I’m pretty sure there’s a person or two who still hasn’t heard of Bud…Way…Wei…ser?

AWWW it’s cute puppies and Clydesdales. The puppy keeps running in. Two things kind of surprised me about this commercial. Three actually:

1. What was that shitty song? In the history of music could they have gotten something worse?
2. I think there was more visual shots of Audi in that commercial than their own
3. Hasn’t that woman ever heard of freaking leash laws? No wonder your stupid dog keeps escaping. Learn to tie that thing up!

I wonder how much the ad agency had to fight to keep themselves from having the guy and girl get together. I was like “let me guess, the girl moves in….” but you know what, if I’m that rancher, i would think twice considering how well she can raise that puppy there. (Managing Editor’s note: the story of the commercial is that the dog wants to be adopted by the Clydesdale so he keeps escaping until he’s with his horse family. Or else that’s what my wife says.)

Thank you to the soldiers for giving up their lives for us. That is all I will say about this commercial…no, it isn’t. You know what would have been better – actually giving the $4 million TO the soldiers instead of a sappy corporate ploy.

Hasn’t this been done with other beer companies? Look, people will buy your product anyways. Bud Light is by far the #1 beer, they can put a picture of freaking Hitler on the cover and it would still sell. Stop trying to make yourself look cool and interesting.


Butterfinger has spent four million dollars to tell us they love Bart Simpson  that you can get Peanut Butter Cups….from Butterfinger. As opposed to Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. . . why even bother to change the product name? Shit, why not just make the packaging orange too? This is destined to fail.


I can only imagine the ad agency that said “hey, you guys know that slow clap thing in movies, that’s totally awesome! Everyone loves it!” Um…no. Also, it’s not a good sign, when you do a parody one with dogs and it’s a million times better than your original one. Dog one is the second one.


Ugh. Where do i start with this one. This one basically says “why buy out lifetime’s commercial inventory for a month, when we can blow it in 30 seconds here” The multiracial family is back, and now they’re going to have a brother…and a puppy…I hope they sandwich this in-between Budweiser commercials so everyone’s like “what…was that one about?” Because apparently Moms watch the commercials and Dads watch the game and drink.


Remember when Chevy had one of the worst commercials ever with the guy checking his Facebook from the car to hear about his date went? Because that’s what OnStar is used for. You know, this one…for the car that sells about 250,000 models per year. Is that good or bad? I don’t know. This isn’t car talk.

Anyway, Chevy took last year off citing the high costs in Super Bowl ads and if I remember correctly flooded my Facebook page with their stupid banner ads. Well they’re back, because it’s a better value when prices go up? Well, they’re back with the Bovine pimp, a tale about a guy who drives his cow a great distance to hook up with some fine heifers. Good use of 8 million dollars, no wonder they went bankrupt.


The Greek yogurt game is about to heat up! Not one but two greek yogurt companies have spots in this year’s game, so….how do they compare? Chobani went with the simple bear ransacks a store just for some honey yogurt. I am overwhelmingly meh on this one.


Coke has two 1-minute spots. One of them they pay homage to Forrest Gump or Radio or….ok, maybe that’s too harsh. But this commercial involves a kid in a youth game in Wisconsin, who runs for a touchdown and proceeds to run all the way to Lambeau field into their end zone. Ok, not for nothing, but where is the Lambeau security? I mean, they just leave this huge stadium open for anyone to run in and out as they please? Please…nice House of Pain shout out though.


Doritos is having a competition again with two of these top five making the final cut – one chosen by fans, the others by corporate. I vote for the Finger Cleaner, I bet marketing will pick the lame cowboy kid one. I also don’t mind the ostrich one.

Go Daddy 

Remember when these commercials used to be hip and cool and innovative? Yet another year of Dannica Patrick commercials (this has to be the 6th or 7th year they’ve done this…) No clip, but one can assume it’s exactly the same.


So many wrong things with this commercial. Hastags. David Beckham…and then people with Samsung TVs and special remotes can actually order underwear by hitting a button? What? No. Actually I like their choice of music with “no no no no no no no no no”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.


Heinz is going the flashback route apparently where someone remembers every good time they’ve had whilst ketchup is present. *shakes head*  No clip. FYI- this is only the second time Heinz has bought time during the SB.


Hyundai has spent 8 million dollars to give us two commercials, one about a guy who tries to hit on a girl with the same car (blech) and the other has to a dad protecting his kid, now the car protects his kid (also kind of blech). I was about to write something about how it would funnier if the car became the Dad and he becomes overprotective and start spying on the kid when he’s on a date, but that sounds kind of creepy, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Turbo Tax
In a weird move, the winner of a small business contest will get the time paid for by Turbo Tax. It’ll probably just be a “Hi, I’m jim from _____, I sure do love using Turbo Tax!” No clip.


Jaguar is trying to rebrand itself and has spared no expense in this 8 million dollar ad, even hiring the Ben Kingsley and it was directed by the guy who did the King’s Speech. Will it get me to by an $80,000 car? No. But hey, good way to spend the cost of…about 100 (or less) of your cars.


Kia parodies the Matrix, because that’s a new movie, right? Laurence Fishbourne returns as Morpheus…to sell Kias…beause it’s the early 2000’s again? *shrug* Horrible….but at least it’s a car I can afford.


Peanut M&M gets a staring role in this spot. I wonder who wants to eat him? Is it red? Is it that crazed bitch who loves chocolate? Who knows? Hashtag Drama, am I right people?


full house reunion alert. John Stamos is very messy and on a date eating yogurt. How will Danny and Uncle Joey cock block him this time? Rebecca must be fuming right about now. What about Nicky and the other one? They’ve got to be teenagers by now…I’m going to stop while i’m ahead on this one. They could have done about 300 better commercial concepts than that one.


Pepsi’s commercial will introduce Bruno Mars and the halftime show by showing scenes of Pepsi and NYC…in other words, tell me about this later because I’ll have long switched to something else by then. No clip.

Soda Stream

This commercial has already been in the news due to its controversial nature, no not that Soda Stream is an Israeli company and brings up the whole Israel/Palestine debate, but it wasn’t approved because they mentioned both Coke and Pepsi in there, so they have to recut one without mentioning them. Hashtag Drama folks again, am I right!


Squarespace is known for sponsoring seemingly all the podcasts that I listen to hosting webpages, much like Go Daddy. This is their 4 million dollar donation. *shrug* Stick with the podcast approach. 4 million dollars can buy you a lot of internet advertising.


Brooklyn 99’s (and Old Spice legend) Terry Crews and the Muppets. I’m sorry folks, this is the clear-cut winner for best commercial. Don’t go against the Muppets, you’ll lose.


There will be a commercial for the new Transformers movie. I don’t know which one because I’ve never seen any of them.

Turbo Tax

I think they’re just going to show their John C. Reilly “It’s amazing what you’re capable of” commercial, or some variation of it. Lame. This is different from their other one listed above. This is the one that’s actually theirs. No clip.


VW has spent 8 million dollars to tell us that ‘every time a VW reaches 100k miles, a German engineer gets its wings however…they all seem to be less than thrilled to get their wings, which sends a very confusing message. So..they want their cars to crap out? not so sure.

WeatherTech Floor Mats 

Yes, floor mats. You know what floor mats I have? The ones that came with the car. You know what one of my friend has because his floor mats got too worn out? Welcome mats. So, good luck with your product. Hopefully that’s $4 million well spent. No clip.

Wonderful Pistachios

Last Year they had Psi, this year they have Psteven Colbert in two fifteen second ads. I will admit this – I’ve gotten some pistachios over the years, and when I have, there isn’t a pistachio aisle. So I’m not sure if they have the monopoly on the pistachio market…because i’ve never seen two varieties of that ever. *shrug*

So there you have it. Those commercials will ultimately let you down on Sunday, much like the _________ (insert losing team here). My commercial rankings are as follows: Toyota #1, everything else – not #1.

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