Monday Night Raw
December 2, 2013
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
We dive right into the show live from Kevin Durant’s house and we begin with the Best in the World, CM Punk. The crowd is ecstatic. I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving weekend. We go back to last week when the Wyatts took Daniel Bryan, then Punk was beaten by The Shield. Punk says he’s been trying to figure out what happened last week. Then he said he’s been in denial. He does know why but he wants to be wrong. He realized last week he criticized Triple H, and that’s what he thinks happened. Punk says why would the King of Kings care about a lowly peasant like himself. He doesn’t want to be around the authority, he likes his own universe. He says Triple H isn’t that dense to kick a hornet’s nest, and pick a fight with one of the biggest anti-authority figures ever. He hopes that that group of ignorant douche bags knows its place. Out comes Stephanie McMahon who hoped everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, then says Triple H wouldn’t care who says anything to him. Stephanie says the Shield does what they want and they were upset at what happened. She brings out Kane who absolves the McMahons of any wrongdoing and says Punk should let it go. Punk says Kane is the Big Red Ass-kisser and should get in this ring to be knocked out and put to sleep. Suddenly The Shield’s music plays and they come down through the crowd. Stephanie stops them and says CM Punk should be respected. Kane then puts Punk in a handicap match at TLC against all three members of the Shield.
Tonight we will have a contract signing for December 15 in Houston between Cena and Orton.
#1 CONTENDERS MATCH FOR INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler
Wow, three straight weeks. Riveting. In my opinion Ziggler earned the #1 contenders slot already. Then again he needs another World Title shot. Big E. Langston, the IC Champ is at the announce table. The series is 1-1 and this is the rubber match. At least that makes sense, and the matches haven’t been that bad. Still, I would have at least stuck a third person in this match and made it a Triple Threat. Incidentally I don’t like Punk in a handicap match with the Shield. Punk can’t lose another PPV match and he won’t make the Shield look bad by beating them 3-on-1. So as usual we have an insipid booking decision. I know Dolph’s used the Fame-asser before but why are they making a big point out of it? With Dolph a babyface he isn’t going to win the match and sure enough Sandow wins with his finisher and will face Langston at TLC. Wow that win the night after Wrestlemania at IZOD seems like a decade ago for Dolph Ziggler. WINNER: Damien Sandow
You can vote on the WWE App what to call the two-belt champion after TLC: The Unified Champion, the Undisputed WWE Champion or the Undisputed World Champion. I call it a big pile of non-booking crap.
MATCH: AJ Lee, Tamina & Summer Rae vs. The Bellas & Natalya
I will give Nikki Bella credit for learning that backbreaker finisher. Let’s hope she doesn’t kill somebody. She must still be distraught that her boyfriend is a selfish asshole, oh wait but he’s World Champion so let’s cheer him! Which JOHN CENA DO WE LIKE? Maybe I should start watching Total Divas, to see the REAL John Cena. AJ keeps skipping around the ring. Summer Rae is wearing Mets colors, so I hope she gets the pin. Natalya pins AJ when a pin attempt gets reversed. WINNERS: Those other chicks
Next week is the Slammys.
Wade Barrett is at a pedestal and he’s called Bad News Barrett. Huh? He says he has good news and bad news. The good news is we’re live on Raw. The bad news is we’re stuck in an arena of hillbillies and overweight miscreants who had to name their city after their state to remember it. I like this gimmick.
Backstage with Brad Maddox and WWE Champion Randy Orton have a bad segment where Orton tells him to tell the Authority he’s great and all this other crap. It was really stupid. A waste of a minute.
MATCH: Daniel Bryan vs. Erick Rowan
So Bryan was found! Yay!!! No backstory or segments from the street? Kind of like when Cactus Jack was found with amnesia in Cleveland? Oh he was dumped in the parking lot outside the arena last week. Well that was solved quickly. JBL keeps saying that Bryan should join the Wyatt Family, he already has the beard. Funny. The big guy manhandles Bryan throughout the match. Cole keeps quoting Bray Wyatt’s poetry, or writings or something. I think they should print a copy of his writings and sell it on the website. I’ll buy it. Daniel makes the expected comeback with his happy feet. Bryan gets the win out of nowhere with a roll up. WINNER: Daniel Bryan
Bray Wyatt then comes on the screen and tells his relatives to stand down. Bray tells Bryan they won’t hurt him tonight. Bray says he was wrong about Bryan, that he was more than just a miniscule man, but he loves Bryan and he asks to join the family and they will bring the machine to their knees. Wow that promo was great and I didn’t give it justice.
Back from break and Bryan is looking around for someone and bumps into Kane. Kane says they were tag team partners but now he has a more important job. Kane says since he and Punk are friends, they will both have the same challenge at TLC. So Bryan will face all three Wyatts in a handicap match. Wow this PPV is turning into a real stinker.
So I guess Brodus Clay is a heel now? He pushed Xavier Woods around and called him a rookie on Smackdown.
MATCH: R-Truth & Xavier Woods vs. Tons of Funk
Thinking about the earlier segment, why do I feel Punk and Bryan will be #1 and #2 in the Rumble, and we get a “Providence” finish? Something to think about. Why does Brodus have those stupid things on his tights? The finish is pretty weak as Woods tries to do a roll up but it takes him forever. He does get it and the victory. WINNERS: R-Truth & Xavier Woods
Brodus is pissed and even glares at Sweet T after the match.
MATCH: Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio
Wow Sin Cara got a new tattoo! Actually it’s a different guy under the mask, but he’s still a mid-card joke. I have a bad feeling about this. Del Rio is the MVP of 2013 and now that he’s jobbed out by Cena, he’ll be fodder for everybody ala Honky Tonk Man from 1988-1990. It is also announced that at TLC, Natalya will face AJ for the Divas Title. God do we still have to watch Sin Cara matches under that stupid light? I will say that this week’s show is head and shoulders better than last week’s piece of shit. This match is solid, and going much longer than I figured, which again gives me pause. Sin Cara hits a Senton off the top rope and gets the upset victory. I knew it. Damnit I knew it. WINNER: Sin Cara
We go back to August 2007 when Orton punted Cena’s dad. I forgot about that.
Korn is still together? They need a song to be the official song for TLC? Wow talk about sinking low. Backstage Renee is with John Cena, who’s giving Renee the eye. You sick toad. He talks about the gravity of winning both titles at TLC. He talks about being WWE Champion in the North and World Champion in the South back in the day. It was actually a pretty good promo.
The Shield says CM Punk couldn’t beat them in singles matches, so how would they beat all of them at TLC?
SIX MAN TAG MATCH: Rhodes Brothers & Big Show vs. The Shield
Cody & Goldie are on fire right now with their matches just always working. I’m so glad JBL is a straight up heel having to deal with two babyfaces at the table. When can Lawler just retire with dignity? We get Reigns and Show in the ring together. Two hosses. The match is one of the best in a while with action and craziness all over the ring. Reigns spears Show on the outside while Ambrose steals a pin from Goldust in the ring. Nicely booked. WINNERS: The Shield
Back from break and Renee is with CM Punk, who says he’s pumped and even singing “I feel pretty” to Renee. Of course he’s being sarcastic. He knows he’s going down, but the question is how many of the Shield is he taking with him.
#Bad News Barrett returns, and his bad news is that this past Thursday at Thanksgiving everyone’s dinners cause them to be constipated and have their arteries clogged. I’m waiting for Barrett to deliver a Ghetto Blaster to somebody.
MATCH: Ryback & Curtis Axel vs. Miz & Kofi Kingston
For the first time in WWE history, a heel turn is aborted because of a MOVIE! So we’re back to the sugary annoying Miz so that stupid blu-ray can get some sales. I have a feeling Ryback isn’t long for WWE. He’s another guy who was pushed quickly and it went to his head (otherwise known as the Ultimate Warrior syndrome). I think Kofi should turn heel on Miz, now that would be cool. The match is pretty standard with quick tags and such. That doesn’t happen, as Ryback pins Kofi with Shell Shock. WINNERS: Ryback & Curtis Axel
After the match, Miz slaps Kofi in the face. What a mess.
Los Matadores & #midgetmantaur shill the WWE Shop stuff.
MATCH: Fandango vs. Mark Henry
Summer Rae makes a return performance to be alongside her dancing partner. I like Henry with the shaved head, it makes him look meaner. He then dances to Summer Rae, which was funny. Henry would be a good opponent for Orton as he’s already faced Cena this year. Fandango does get his shots in. The big guy wins. WINNER: Mark Henry
We go back to Friday’s Smackdown when Titus O’Neil ate way too much food then puked in JBL’s hat and dumped it on Cole.
MATCH: Primetime Players vs. Real Americans
Cesaro & Swagger have new zip up “We the People” track jackets. Very swank. Cesaro works Titus over and he looks queasy again. We will now have a puking storyline. Eh it might just be this weekend. Titus almost pukes again as Cesaro spins him around but he tags to DY. He goes on a bit of a run but Cesaro recovers to hit a big uppercut as DY leaves the top rope for the win. These guys may still be destined to be tag champs. WINNERS: Real Americans
So the results of the WWE App show in a close vote that 38% of the WWE Universe wants the TLC winner to be called the “Unified Champion”. ON YOUR KNEES DOG. Out comes COO Triple H with his wife. Time for the contract signing. Both of them confirm that there will be one unified champion, they guarantee it. Out comes Randy Orton, followed by John Cena. Triple H puts over the lineage of both titles. Stephanie mentions that her husband has held both. STOP STEALING MY THUNDER YOU B*TCH. HHH says this idea of unification has been thought about for months, but they needed to make sure that the one holding the belts can carry the tradition after the match is over. Orton signs the contract first. Cena follows. Orton says these former champions are great, but he’s better than all of them including Triple H. Orton tries to get a cheap pop by saying everybody hates John Cena, and he says it will be an honor to beat him at TLC. Cena says they’ve met in the past so they know each other. Orton says he turns dreams into nightmares. Cena then fires off some of his greatest lines ever by saying Triple H picked Orton to be the man and he got a bad attitude and got really lazy. Cena says he let the kid with the ugly shirts and the ball caps to take it all away. So Cena says Orton has two moves, leave or make a move. Wow Cena acted like an actual main eventer who’s hungry. Why can’t he do this every week. Orton flips the table and the brawl begins. Both guys get their shots in. Cena gains the advantage and smacks Orton’s head into the steel steps. Orton gets a chair and beats on Cena. As Orton is setting tables up Cena recovers and throws Orton into a table leaning in the corner. Cena drops Orton with an AA on a table. Cena holds both belts over his head, like Orton did last week. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: I know nobody wants to see this match, but at least we know the match itself won’t suck. I will give Cena this. As much as his character and promos are usually awful, the matches are usually decent. As for this Raw, it was head and shoulders better than last week. A lot more original matches that had good action in them.
Make sure to follow our good friend Graham Cawthon on Twitter, @TheHistoryofWWE. Here is his Raw tweet of the night!
@TheHistoryofWWE This show is working compared to last week because the heavy focus isn’t on Cena vs Orton. It’s there, it’s just not shoved down your throat.
Other than the last segment, they were barely on.