Scott’s Raw Recap 9/30/13

Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan go face to face before Battleground. (Courtesy WWE)
Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan go face to face before Battleground. (Courtesy WWE)

Monday Night Raw
September 30, 2013
Biloxi, Mississippi

We jump right into the arena where CM Punk comes out immediately to a raucous ovation. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, so the Susan G. Komen logo is on the ramp and the middle rope is pink. We flash back to last week when Ryback and Axel decimated Punk. The crowd is red hot tonight, although Michael hasn’t said where we are, nor has a graphic come up. CM Punk says this show is unpredictable. He said what happened last week was completely predictable. He said at Battleground he will take care of the real bully Ryback. Punk says no one will come to save Paul Heyman, there will be no one left. The Punk chants are very loud. Punk says he hasn’t had a good fight in a while so he feels like a fight tonight. Out comes Brad Maddox, and Punk asks where his entrance theme is. Maddox has become useless now that HHH and Steph are around all the time. I used to love seeing him for about 10 minutes, but this role is pitiful. He tells Punk he’s getting Ryback at Battleground, so why ask for him now. Maddox says he does have the power to give him a match tonight though. With that out comes the overdue return of Big E. Langston. Big E asks Punk if he wants aggression, and then sucker punches Punk and attacks him. Maddox calls a referee down.

MATCH: CM Punk vs. Big E. Langston
It was smart to get Langston off camera to separate him from AJ Lee since that storyline went nowhere after Dolph Ziggler left. Langston is full of fire in this one, dominating Punk with power moves. I still have no idea where we are. Can somebody say something? I finally found that we are in Biloxi. On a website. Nice job, Cole, King and JBL. This match has been solid, with Langston really dictating tempo and Punk making nice comebacks. Punk makes a final comeback and hits the GTS to win the match. WINNER: CM Punk

We go through the timeline of what happened to the Rhodes Family. Tonight we have a family summit between the Rhodes and the McMahon/Helmsleys.

MATCH: Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston
Both guys have pink t-shirts on, so they are really pumping this up. Good for them. Maybe I’m being anal, but why waste the You Tube channel with stupid stuff like “30 Trouble in Paradises in 30 seconds”? I wonder why Kofi went to the long tights? He’s been wearing them since returning from the injury. The match goes back and forth until Kofi hits Trouble for the win. WINNER: Kofi Kingston

The match is over but then out of nowhere the Wyatt Family comes down the ring. Bray Wyatt spins his usual thing and Kofi has a chair. Then it ends. Weird.

Sunday at Battleground Kickoff, Dolph Ziggler will face Damien Sandow.

The Bellas are talking until Randy Orton comes over. He should RKO their bony asses. He congratulates Brie for her engagement and asks when the wedding is. He says it should be booked sooner than later because after Battleground Daniel Bryan won’t be able to walk. God please stop making the Bellas sympathetic. It’s nauseating. Orton’s RKO t-shirt has a pink tinge, very cool actually.

Renee Young is with Paul Heyman. Heyman says a great man like CM Punk has descended into madness. He says CM Punk will never touch him because he’s a loser. He says Punk forgets when they were the Best in the World. Renee says his guys are hiding behind equipment, and Heyman says everything is a trap for CM Punk.

We get another vignette for Los Matadores, who debut next.

MATCH: Heath Slater/Jinder Mahal vs. Los Matadores
Why am I not surprised that 3MB was going to eat this one? Fernando and Diego? OLE OLE OLE! Like we don’t know its Primo and Epico. Hilarious. Who is El Torito? They put the name on the screen, and its – some dude in a bulls costume? It looks like a midget Mantaur! Well this gimmick went right down the shitter. This was like Head Cheese with Chester McCheeserton. Now I really feel bad for 3MB. Matadores are very sloppy and the match is garbage. Cole: “WWE fans loving this!” I hear nothing. Matadores win. WINNERS: Los Matadores

#midgetmantaur (Courtesy WWE)
#midgetmantaur (Courtesy WWE)

Jerry Lawler says the midget bull is like Giant Gonzalez. Wow.

Out comes Stephanie McMahon and the KING OF KINGS. ON YOUR KNEES DOG. They come out so smugly. They are my heroes. HHH is wearing a pink tie. They invite the Rhodes Family to come out. So Dusty, Cody and Goldust come down the ramp. I like how Goldust is in a suit but still has his face paint on. Cole just said “Dusty had to choose which one of their jobs gets their son back.” Haha that was funny. Stephanie welcomes them as she talks about the gift card. HHH wonders why the Rhodes Family looks so angry. They continuously have gotten chances and have failed. Stephanie says Dusty has the future of WWE superstars in his hands. Now Stephanie says she has the Rhodes Family’s future in her hands. So the deal is Cody and Dustin face Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins at Battleground. If they win they get jobs. If they lose, all three will be unemployed. Dusty gets in HHH’s face and says he will be in his kids’ corner and will be HHH’s “huckleberry”. Stephanie tells Dusty that if he wants a fight, be careful what you wish for. Triple H and Stephanie leave, but as the Rhodes leave the Shield run in and beat all three Rhodes down. The Rhodes Family wins Sunday, bet on it.

MATCH: R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel
Has the acquisition of Ryback downgraded Curtis Axel’s status in the company? Perhaps. He needs to win some matches to get back on track. This one is probably the start. Midway through the match Punk’s music hits but Punk doesn’t come out, and Axel’s distracted. That gives Truth a chance to hit his finisher and get the win. Heyman realizes he was had. WINNER: R-Truth

Maybe I was wrong. Curtis Axel is turning into a schmuck.

Trish Stratus had her baby Maximus. We found out she was pregnant at the Hall of Fame.

We now have the story of Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan. I’m gonna throw up.

MATCH: Brie Bella vs. Alicia Fox
AJ is watching the match in the back with Tamina. Is Tamina AJ’s “muscle”? That would be awesome. So Brie is gonna eventually defeat AJ for the Divas Title? Wow, how convenient. And disgraceful. Brie of course wins this one. WINNER: Brie Bella

Why do I get the feeling Nikki is gonna turn heel?

Back from break and Curtis is bugging out about losing to R-Truth when Heyman tells him to calm down. Ryback comes down and says there’s nothing to worry about. Heyman says everything has been different since Ryback saved him, and tonight Heyman is going to…propose?

Renee is with Big Show, who’s holding up as well as he can. We go to Smackdown where Triple H taunted the Big Show knowing he couldn’t hit him. Big Show says doing the right thing is not easy right now. This is the lesser of two evils. He’s despondent that his idol Dusty Rhodes got beat up and he couldn’t do anything about it. Big Show has decided he can’t take it anymore and he’s going to knock Triple H out. He walks off.

Back from break where R-Truth wants an IC Title shot against Curtis Axel but Brad Maddox deflects him. In comes Big Show who lifts Maddox off his feet and demands he wants Triple H. Maddox skulks off.

MATCH: Alberto Del Rio vs. Zack Ryder
So Sundays World Title match between Del Rio and RVD is hardcore rules. Everybody’s normal t-shirts are pink. So far Randy Orton’s has been the coolest. So Del Rio is now facing a random guy every week now. I’m glad. Del Rio deserves a lot of credit for pretty much going non-stop since the year started as either World Champion or #1 contender. He’s pretty much carried Smackdown all year. It’s also nice to see Ryder on more lately. Remember late-2011 when he was US Champion and part of this new generation of champions? Del Rio recovers from a Ryder flurry and cranks the arm bar to win the match. WINNER: Alberto Del Rio

We get a recap of the Rhodes Family segment. They win Sunday.

Paul Heyman and Ryback are in the ring. Heyman goes through the Best in the World rap. Heyman says he is a political science expert, and he uses world politics terms to describe what he did last week to CM Punk. We see video from last week. He says Ryback has saved him from a broken face. Ryback grabs the mike (Lord knows why). The whole bullying thing is so stupid, just eliminate that from the equation. Ryback SHOULDN’T TALK! He says he couldn’t let what Punk wanted to do to him happen. He touches Paul’s face while saying he’ll do anything for Paul. This is getting funny and uncomfortable. He talks about a progressive society and that he and Ryback should have a different relationship. What the fuck is this about? The crowd starts chanting “GET A ROOM!” This is bizarre. He wants this to be an official relationship. He wants to commit to Ryback from beginning to end of card. Ryback looks confused. So am I. Was this a storyline in ECW? Paul gets down on one knee, holding Ryback’s hand. This is hilarious. He says “Ryback…will you become a PAUL HEYMAN GUY?” Haha tremendous. CM Punk’s music plays but no Punk. He then comes from behind the ring and jumps the barrier. He lands awkward on his knee and his writhing in pain on the floor. I don’t think Steve Austin ever promoted two shirts at the same time. CM Punk does. He limps to the apron and then tries to get into the ring but can’t. Heyman and Ryback come close to the ring, then Punk (as expected) grabs a kendo stick and starts wailing. Heyman runs off after getting hit in the leg. Ryback gets hit and then Curtis Axel runs down and Punk beats the crap out of him and hits the GTS. The Kendo Stick is in pieces.

Big Show is still pacing, while waiting for Triple H.

MATCH: The Shield vs. Dolph Ziggler & The Usos
The champions vs. the #1 contenders. The Usos have really earned the right to be tag champions. They were very raw a few months ago but since they’ve been on this run since says June they’ve really honed their skills. This was a great match where the Shield were meant to look very strong heading into Battleground. They win when Reigns drills Dolph with a spear. WINNERS: The Shield

Everything points to the Rhodes Family winning Sunday.

Big Show is still pacing in Triple H’s office. Back from break and he’s still waiting when the cops come in to take him away for threatening an employee. Stephanie McMahon comes over to tell the cops that Big Show is under a lot of pressure at home and he has a mortgage payment coming. She then tells Big Show that his wife told her that she wasn’t “measuring up” at home. Really? Is that how low this storyline has sunk. To hell with your wife Show? She’s gonna tell people outside of the house these things. Knock both Steph and HHH out and then let your bitchy wife handle the mortgage.

Renee is with RVD who talks about how he lives for Hardcore Rules and we see classic RVD moments (WWE and ECW). He says Alberto Del Rio will understand his “battleground”.

MATCH: Antonio Cesaro vs. Santino Marella
What happened to Hornswoggle? He looks like a fat mafia midget. Poor Cesaro. I thought this tag team will help him, but instead of lifting Swagger, Swagger’s dragged him down. Zeb Colter should just book for the company. His managing skills have gone in the stinker. And, Santino wins again. Brutal. WINNER: Santino Marella

Back from break and Jerry Lawler is in the ring. He reiterates that Brie and Daniel Bryan are engaged. NOBODY CARES. Out comes Daniel Bryan to a raucous ovation. Then out comes Randy Orton to actually a mixed reaction. I don’t wanna root for Orton, but if this proposal crap keeps getting shoved down my throat, I think I may side with the Viper. He is HHH’s pick after all. Orton says holding the title up has motivated him and he’s not the sugary Viper everyone liked. Bryan rips Orton’s promo skills, then asks why HHH had to motivate him. Bryan says without the help of Triple H Orton has no motivation, and Bryan says he doesn’t need anyone to motivate him. The YES chants are drowning out Orton and he’s pissed. Now Orton thinks Brie Bella is crazy and that instead of a verile champion she’s with a barnyard animal. Bryan snaps and they start brawling with each other. So now we have to use this relationship as a storyline tool. Pitiful. Orton takes control and starts throwing Bryan around the ringside area. On brother, now Brie Bella comes out as Orton DDT’s Bryan on the ring floor. Whoever thought adding this to the mix should be fired. Orton glares at the announce table and puts Daniel Bryan on it. Orton DDT’s Bryan on the table. Brie Bella is SOOOOOO upset. With that we’re out.

SCOTT’S TAKE: Solid enough Raw to get us to Battleground. I want to say, I’m not against Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan getting married. Not at all, congratulations to them. But using it to advance a storyline is ridiculous. It makes Daniel look like a puss-bag.

Author: Scott Criscuolo

Scott Criscuolo is a co-founder of the Place to Be, co-host of the Place to Be Podcast, and was in the radio business for 10 years. He loves all things pop culture, and someday he will be the ghost writer for Triple H's autobiography. Send Scott an email