Monday Night Raw
July 8, 2013
We open with a new vignette preparing us for tonight’s debut of the Wyatt Family. We have our Raw open and then head inside Baltimore where we begin with ‘Brickie” in the ring with a ladder and the briefcase above the ring. Vickie talks about the legacy of the ladder with names like Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels, and the one and only Triple H! Really? He’s been in what, one ladder match. Vickie starts climbing up the ladder and straddles the top. She says, “There is no book about how a woman can make it in a male-dominated business.” She puts herself over as someone who learned from experience how to run this show. She says, “We may not see eye to eye but every decision I’ve made in my career has been for you.” Jerry Lawler interrupts and says that in preparation for her job evaluation, the WWE Universe can vote on the WWE App a “pass” or “fail” on how she’s done. She then proceeds to butter up the WWE Universe with compliments. For the fans, John Cena and Mark Henry will go head to head. Also the MITB All-Star participants (sans RVD) will face each other in singles matches. Our first match of the night starts now.
MATCH: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
Well, well, well. The guy everybody loves versus the guy I love to hate. As we head to break, we go back to Wrestlemania XXII in Chicago when RVD won his MITB briefcase. I read today that Sheamus was the fastest WWE superstar to 100 match wins in 2013. In just 123 matches. His match record this year is 100-23. In second place? Daniel Bryan with 94. Jerry Lawler is trending. Who rigged that? The match is pretty standard with both guys going back and forth. Stiff spot when Bryan jumps off the apron onto Sheamus on the floor and Bryan smacks his face on the barricade. Sheamus takes control and is actually getting partially booed. GOOD! And I’m pandering. Bryan rebounds to hit Sheamus with a missile dropkick. This has been a pretty good opener that’s eaten up a good amount of time. Sheamus kicks out and goes for White Noise but Bryan squiggles out. Bryan with kicks to the head for a two count. Bryan goes for the flying head butt but misses and Sheamus gets a two count. Sheamus goes for White Noise again but Bryan turns into a crucifix. Bryan goes for the No Lock but Sheamus reverses into the Clover Leaf. Bryan reverses and gets Sheamus with a small package for the victory. YEAH! I’m proud to pander for that one. Great win for Daniel Bryan.
After the match Sheamus walks over and shakes his hand. He should have Brogue Kicked him. JUST KIDDING!
A wwe.com reporter went out to find the Wyatt Family compound and some local folk points him in the right direction.
Back from break and AJ is with Big E. She’s talking so fast I can’t understand her. Dolph Ziggler shows up and Big E exits. He’s pissed that she hasn’t showed up the past week for his matches, which he won anyway. He says, “Is it all about you AJ.” She says not at all. She talks all sexy and he wants to be champion.
We get that same history piece with Mark Henry that’s aired the past two weeks.
MATCH: Rollins & Reigns vs. Tons of Funk
We return from break with another RVD ladder moment: The awesome match he had with Hall of Famer Eddie Guerrero for the Intercontinental Title on May 27, 2002. Raw is using new camera angles that is making the ring seem longer than it is. Pretty cool. This match honestly went longer than I thought, with Rollins taking a pretty good shit kicking. Sweet T hits his ol’ Baldo Bomb for a two count. Blind tag to Reigns who drills Sweet T with a spear and the champions win.
The guy who voices TNA stuff is voicing WWE stuff too now. Funny.
We continue the journey of the wwe.com reporter searching for the Wyatts, and here he finds a house loaded with trash on the front porch. The reporter finds the guy with the dark beard and he tells the reporter to follow him.
We go from something cool like the Wyatt Family, to something incredibly not cool. WWE Champion John Cena. He goes through his whole “this crowd is wild, MITB is tonight!!!” Blah Blah Blah…He’s waiting for the #1 contender, and here comes Mark Henry. Henry says, “You have the same look you had last week, the look of fear.” Cena denies it, bit Henry says he’s hungry for something he’s wanted for 17 years. Cena says get your Snickers bar? Does he have to ruin EVERY main event promo with this shit? Henry calls Cena (and the WWE Universe) puppets. Henry says, “I’d do anything, including selling out my family to be WWE Champion.” Cena says, “You better win or your 17 years will be for nothing and you lose everyone’s respect.” Henry says, “That’s where we differ. You care. I don’t. Your goodness is your weakness.” Cena wants to stop talking and fight. Henry says no, then changes his mind and they both take their shirts off. Henry fakes him out, then clotheslines him. Cena recovers and goes for an AA but Henry’s weight collapses him. Henry hits the WSS. Cole says Henry hit Cena with a “cheap shot”. Haha even though Cena technically asked for it.
Randy Orton is backstage watching the festivities when Josh Matthews comes over and asks the obligatory “thoughts” question. Orton says, “Punk says he’s the Best in the World, but frankly I never believed it. I will win tonight, win MITB and if there’s anything left of Cena after his match, I won’t hesitate to cash in.”
Back from break and The Miz joins the commentary booth to make it unlistenable shit.
MATCH: Chris Jericho vs. Curtis Axel
I keep forgetting that Jericho’s facing Ryback Sunday. Paul Heyman’s wearing shades from the black eye Alberto Del Rio gave him Friday. He puts over Axel, and then Axel puts over himself. He’s using word “perfection” more lately. Miz is facing Axel Sunday. Ugh who cares. Miz should host that annoying Divas show that E! is going to air. The match goes back and forth until Jericho goes for the Codebreaker, which Axel reverses into the Perfect Plex, which Jericho kicks out of. Jericho eventually gets the Walls on Axel but the IC Champ makes the ropes. Jericho knocks Axel off the apron and he hits the announce table with his face. Of course the asshole Miz has to get involved here and Axel almost gets counted out. He gets back in the ring and eats a Codebreaker for the loss. Boo. Axel wins Sunday, we hope.
Our next RVD ladder moment takes us to September 29, 2003 when RVD defeated Christian in a ladder match on Raw to win the Intercontinental Title.
Josh is with Team Rhodes Scholars, who stirs the shit about their friendship and how Sunday’s MITB match might affect it. Sandow says it won’t affect anything. Zeb Colter comes over with Swagger and Cesaro and he does his thing. Then Wade Barrett comes over and he puts himself over in their ladder match. Then Fandango comes over, and after three times of being interrupted he says his name and Barrett decks him.
We go back to the backwoods where the wwe.com reporter is with the dark bearded Wyatt, who tells him not to stray. He opens the door and he hears a guy listening to OBEY OBEY OBEY over and over again. He continues down the hall, where Bray Wyatt himself is standing in a doorway with a lantern. He says “Welcome…I’ve been waiting for you.”
MATCH: Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio
This is actually pretty cool. A squash for the World Champion before his match with Ziggler at MITB. Sin Cara gets some token offense in but Del Rio took control eventually. Mid-match, Dolph Ziggler’s music hits and down the ramp comes the #1 contender with a mike. Dolph says, “Sorry about what I did to Ricardo, so I’ll introduce you the way you deserve to be.” So he makes some veiled penis jokes and coward jokes. He keeps ripping him until Del Rio bum rushes him from the ramp and they start brawling. Sin Cara throws himself from the top rope onto Del Rio. Ziggler leaves. So, what happened? I guess a no-contest.
“Brickie” is heading to the ring for Vickie’s job evaluation.
Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens is in the crowd, wearing a Brooklyn Nets hat? Funny.
Time for the aggravating time killer of the show as the annoying McMahons (and the not annoying Triple H) are in the ring with Vickie Guerrero. They get behind a big table and Stephanie thanks the WWE Universe for voting on the WWE App. Stephanie gives the floor to Vickie and she begs, pleads and panders to everybody from the McMahons to the WWE Universe. Vickie covers replacing crazy AJ Lee to bringing in RVD and the Rock back. Steph cuts her off and says was bringing Brock Lesnar back a great idea even though he attacked her father and husband. She apologizes but Vince cuts her off and says Brock Lesnar’s signing was genius. Vince says, “You’ve made some bonehead decisions, but who hasn’t.” Triple H then gets up and pretty much says she sucks, and he goes back to her ruining the video game announcement. He then jabs Vince with a Golden Girls comment. HHH says, “The WWE Universe deserves better than Vickie Guerrero.” He rips her voice, but Vince says her voice is unique. Vince thinks she should be permanent GM. Triple H thinks Vickie will be there to stroke Vince’s ego and do whatever he wants. Triple H says Stephanie is going to have to break the tie here. Stephanie has decided to let the WWE App vote decide Vickie’s fate. As expected the vote was 75%-25% that she has failed and she will be fired. Vickie snaps and starts babbling like crazy and Triple H is laughing his ass off. Stephanie finally says it. YOU’RE FIRED. Poor thing. Where’s the garbage truck like Eric Bischoff was carted off in? She gets on the table and pleads with Stephanie to change her mind. Stephanie and Triple H leave. Vince is upset with the WWE Universe over this decision. Vince says she didn’t fail, the WWE Universe failed. Vince says there needs to be a new General Manager, and the WWE Universe deserves it. So Vince hires Brad Maddox. Oh for fuck’s sakes this is worse. He was good in five minute doses. But three hours? I might shoot myself. Maddox is stunned. Vince walks away with Vickie in his arms. I honestly don’t know what to make of this segment. Maddox looks like he shit himself.
Back from break and another RVD ladder moment: October 7, 2002 and the ladder match for the Tag Team Championship.
Backstage and Vickie is crying while Vince tries to console her. Vince says he’s going to make it right. Brad apologizes to Vickie and says he will follow in Vickie’s lead. Vickie starts beating the shit out of Brad. Vickie is a mess, and honestly she’s doing a great acting job.
MATCH: Kane vs. Christian
Another pair from the MITB match. Standard TV match and Kane wins with a chokeslam.
After the match, the Titantron flashes images and then Bray Wyatt is seen in a rocking chair. He talks about people as sheep. He says, “People can’t lead, they need to be led.” He rambles endlessly about war and the future. He lights a lantern in a dark room. He says, “We’re here.” The lights go out in the arena, and out comes Bray Wyatt and his boys with a lantern coming down the ramp. The dude still has the sheep mask on, awesome. The music keeps playing, until the lights come up. Then Bray’s relatives are beating down Kane in a 2-on-1 beatdown while Bray Wyatt sits in a rocking chair at the bottom of the ramp. They knock Kane out with the steel steps. Bray walks over to Kane and kneels down, arms stretched out. What a debut. Incredible.
Back from break and Vickie Guerero is walking out of the arena with a box of her stuff. She’s devastated and for the first time in years, you legitimately feel bad for her. She stops and Ryback is in front of her. He takes the box from her and gives her a hug. He says she deserves better.
I think the one thing more annoying that the McMahons and Sheamus are the friggin Bellas. They join the guys at the broadcast table.
MATCH: AJ Lee & Alicia Fox vs. Kaitlyn & Layla
I put the match on mute so I don’t have to listen to the goddamn Bellas. The highight of the match was Kaitlyn spearing AJ on the floor. Otherwise nobody cares.
Backstage CM Punk is getting ready when Josh comes over for his usual shit questions. He’s the Best in the World, period.
MATCH: Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
I wonder if this is their first match against each other since Wrestlemania XXVII? Before the match we have our final RVD moment of the night, and its June 11, 2006 at ECW One Night Stand when RVD won the WWE Title, thanks to the awesome Edge. IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME! The match was solid from the start with both guys throwing each other all over the place. At one point Orton throws Punk into the ropes and goes for his power slam but Punk stops and Orton slams air. Punk then goes for a crucifix for two. They continue brawling back and forth but Orton takes control and eventually gets his power slam in but Punk kicks out at two. Orton went for the RKO but Punk booted him in the face. Punk hits the GTS and gets the victory. I didn’t give the match justice. It was pretty good. Check it out on YouTube or wwe.com.
After the match Daniel Bryan comes in and goes after Punk and chucks him out to the floor. He grabs a ladder from under the ring and brings it into the ring. He hits Orton with the ladder. He opens the ladder up, climbs the ladder and unhooks the briefcase. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: Not a bad go home show to MITB on Sunday. The matches were solid and as long as the McMahons segment went, they made Vickie Guerrero sympathetic for the first time since her husband died eight years ago.
Scott’s Raw Top 5:
1) John Cena
2) Mark Henry
3) CM Punk
4) Daniel Bryan
5) Curtis Axel