Monday Night Raw
June 9, 2014
We head right into the arena where it’s time to get ON YOUR KNEES DOG. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon come out with shit-eating grins. Apparently Triple H tweeted about a major announcement, and he opens saying “it’s a good night to be right”. Stephanie says in their position they can make blockbuster announcements. The WWE World Title has been hanging in the balance. Tonight however, there is resolve. We get a word from Dr. Joe Maroon, who performed the surgery on Bryan’s neck, and he announces Bryan won’t be ready by the end of the month. So officially, the titles have been stripped from Daniel Bryan. Sure it sucks, but it’s the right thing to do. They both throw the usual B+ digs as well as ripping Brie Bella for quitting for no reason, which I laughed out loud at. So at Money in the Bank, the ladder match won’t be for the briefcase, but will be for the title itself. As for the participants, well Alberto Del Rio is in after winning a qualifying match last Friday on Smackdown. Then, as expected, Triple H puts Randy Orton into the match. The power couple continues to rub Daniel Bryan’s nose in it. He’s still the top babyface in the company. This injury actually makes him even bigger when he returns. Triple H then talks about the Shield, and we go back to last Monday when Seth Rollins “adapted”. “Tonight there will be history, as the Shield whimpers into history, and tonight they will perish.”
The announcers think this title stripping is a miscarriage of justice. DANIEL BRYAN IS HURT YOU ASSHOLES. Maybe stop acting too kayfabe and sounding like complete buffoons?
MITB QUALIFYING MATCH: Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett
So our two secondary champions will battle for a slot in the match. So it seems Daniel Bryan first heard about being stripped when Stephanie announced it. Well how did they get the belts and put them over the ring if Daniel Bryan hadn’t handed them over? THEIVERY I tell you!!!!! Wade Barrett’s beard is incredibly bad ass. It’s got that look that Steve Austin had during his 2001 heel run – scraggly and unkempt. I love watching these two just bludgeon each other in that Northern European style. All these tweets saying Daniel Bryan got screwed. He’s HURT! I’m sorry but the overloading of kayfabe is really annoying me tonight. Admit he’s hurt and that he obviously knew about it or the BELTS WOULDN’T BE OVER THE RING! My God can some schmuck tweet that? This match has been great as always with these two. You know watching Money in the Bank 2010 the other day, I realized why I like Sheamus as a heel. He wrestles better, angrier more aggressive. Sheamus almost gets counted out, but he ducks it and hits White Noise, which ALMOSTS ends the match. A Brogue Kick from out of nowhere wins it after he and Barrett wail away on each other in the corner. WINNER: Sheamus
We head back to the bowels where Harper & Rowan are alone, and Harper says they are pariahs, but they still get urges from a deep, dark place. Ah, there’s Bray Wyatt. He talks about urges, and the Shield. Bray says he is reborn and he will end the Shield.
Out comes the one woman who can make me a communist – Lana. She rips the country and pumps up her boy Vladimir Putin.
MATCH: Rusev vs. Zack Ryder
As expected, a squash. WINNER: Rusev
A big Russian flag comes down over the ring. This entire character is awesome. So old school.
MATCH: Rybaxel vs. Goldust & R-Truth
A downgrade for Goldust here, but an upgrade for Truth over Xavier Woods. Cody Rhodes is backstage scouting his brother’s partner. Rybaxel wins, and Goldust keeps having losers as partners. WINNERS: Rybaxel
Layla is bad-mouthing Summer Rae and Minneapolis when Fandango’s ex-girlfriend dumps milk on his current girlfriend and beats the snot out of her at the makeup table.
3MB is in the ring and Slater starts yapping about the Shield until the music starts.
HANDICAP MATCH: Shield vs. 3MB
Jinder Mahal is wrestling without his turban. I don’t know why I noticed that. Heath Slater starts walking up the ramp when Reigns drills him with a spear. Reigns has a full beard now, which makes him even more badass. WINNER: No Contest
Ambrose takes the mike and says the Shield is unbeatable and will go down as the greatest ever. He says there was a cancer that they didn’t know about, and its name was Seth Rollins. He says he will rearrange Rollins’ face after he hears Triple H’s words coming out of his mouth. Reigns says Rollins is only part of the problem. Randy Orton and Triple H are still the bigger problem. He says Orton thinks he’s the face of the company, but when Reigns is done with him he will be the ass of the company. He says with Triple H, they will have their own “game of thrones’. Great promo from both guys. Rollins watched backstage in a new suit.
MATCH: Usos vs. Fandango & Damien Sandow
Sandow is dressed like an interpretive dancer, wearing a flesh-colored dance outfit. Layla still has dry milk and powder all over her from the attack by Summer Rae. We’re actually getting a LET’S GO SANDOW chant. Lawler rips them and says “Take Fandango with you.” Again, Lawler crushes the energy of the live crowd. Just retire with your reconstructive mushface. Usos win with a Jey splash on Sandow. WINNERS: Usos
MATCH: Xavier Woods vs Bo Dallas
Why does he always come in soaking wet? I mean he is drenched every time. He does win again. WINNER: Bo Dallas
Paul Heyman is in the ring, and he keeps throwing Brock Lesnar at everybody, although we get a cheap face pop for him going to Minnesota. He teases that Brock is coming out but he announces the other guy who made history at WrestleMania.
MITB QUALIFYING MATCH: Rob Van Dam vs. Cesaro
Well we know who’s going to win this one. Finally the announcers use logic as Cole admits that Orton shouldn’t have to wrestle a qualifying match for MITB since he never got his rematch from WrestleMania. This match is typical TV fare, with both guys going back and forth. The expected wins, bad theme song and all. WINNER: Cesaro
Is this the moment for him? We shall see.
Randy Orton is on vacation.
Opening segment recap #1.
Michael Cole is in the ring with two chairs and he brings in the turncoat Seth Rollins. Seth has new theme music, and it sounds very ROH-ish. Rollins says he created the Shield and he was entitled to destroy it. Reigns and Ambrose are aimless without his direction. He didn’t sell out, he evolved and bought in. Rollins says he’s heard that those guys were his brothers. They were merely business partners. He’s said for two years he put his fist in a group and said believe in the Shield, but he really wanted to says believe in Seth Rollins. He then says he’s said his peace, and now he will take his beating. Well out comes Ambrose and Reigns. The Wyatt effect hits, the lights go out and when they come back on the Wyatt Family are in the ring. Rollins bolts and the 3-on-2 fight commences until John Cena comes down to even the odds. Is that the third man for the Shield later tonight?
Seth Rollins will face Dolph Ziggler tomorrow night on Main Event.
MATCH: Paige vs. Alicia Fox
How does Aksana still have a job? Seriously, she’s useless. This match goes longer than I thought as Fox hung around until Paige cranks up that sweet submission finisher and gets the win. WINNER: Paige
Aksana helps Alicia Fox up and she’s creepily smiling, then she beats Aksana down. Then she steals water and popcorn from ringside fans and continues to attack Aksana.
MATCH: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella
As Santino is coming out, I’m expecting an Adam Rose sighting at some point, then I remembered he’s injured so this is likely a straight up Swagger win. Santino looks like a Rosebud. No Rose sighting, and a long-sought win for Swagger. WINNER: Jack Swagger
Backstage Goldust is still stewing over his loss earlier until Cody comes in and says he has his ultimate tag team partner. He will come out next week.
Opening segment recap #2.
Authority is yapping backstage, and now they are talking about John Cena helping the Shield tonight. Triple H doesn’t care. Vickie comes in with a bottle of champagne until she sneezes in it. Weird.
MATCH: John Cena, Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns vs. Wyatt Family
Cena should dress like them, but they won’t think outside the box like that. Sheamus vs. Cesaro will be on this Friday. I think this turn of events with Rollins will give a bigger spotlight to Ambrose which I think is absolutely necessary. Reigns is in his own universe thanks to Triple H. The match is typical main event fun and the Shield lives as Reigns spears Harper for the win. Triple H and Rollins watched from the back. With that we are out. WINNERS: John Cena, Ambrose & Reigns
SCOTT’S TAKE: Bad news that Daniel Bryan is going to take longer to heal. Good news is that I get to see a new champion live in Boston. The matches were solid and more will be to come with three more slots in the match to fill. One guy who qualifies for greatness is Graham Cawthon, purveyor of thehistoryofwwe.com. Follow him @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!
Midnight Rider.” I would assume Goldust has seen him once or twice.