Monday Night Raw
March 10, 2014
We start inside the Fed Ex Forum for a totally jacked crowd. We open with our WrestleMania XXX host, the red and yellow icon himself Hulk Hogan. I wonder why Justin Roberts had to do the whole intro, when we didn’t do it two weeks ago. Hogan looks a little more washed out and pasty than he did a couple of weeks ago. What the fuck is Jerry Lawler wearing? Looks like a wedding dress t-shirt. Hogan runs his spiel and being on all the tv shows and newspapers/publications, and of course pimping the WWE Network. He mentions Savage and the place goes bonkers. He watched his match with Andre at III and he says his blood was pumping. He talks about pulling bumpers off cars, and he came up with a crazy idea that he wanted to share with everyone in Memphis, Tennessee. He says in honor of the first WWE Hall of Famer, there will be a 30-man over the top rope Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WrestleMania. The winner will get a huge trophy with Andre on the top. Wow, that’s pretty cool. He does his outro “Whatcha Gonna Do” line when out comes John Cena. No, this will not be WrestleMania 31’s main event. He puts over Memphis as a crowd, and then puts over Hogan as back where he belongs. Cena is pumped and he talks about when he was a kid watching WrestleMania III at his house, and he talks about the battle royal. Cena then puts his name into the hat for the battle royal. We all scratch our heads at the announcement when we are interrupted by the Wyatt Family. They come to the ring, and Bray says he’s fascinated by the sin of pride. He mentions being “immortal”. He mocks both Hogan and Cena’s catch phrases then says to Cena if he looks into his eyes he will see a god. Cena asks if he actually listens to all the crap he says. Cena makes Margaritaville jokes and Cracker Barrel cracks. Lovely, I knew eventually Cena would do this. Take a great storyline and mocks it. Cena then bows out of the battle royal and officially challenges Bray to a match at WrestleMania. Bray talks about a spider’s web and then they stalk the ring. We go to break as Cena and Hogan stand their ground.
MATCH: John Cena vs. Erick Rowan
This match was announced by Cole during the previous promo. Hogan stays on the outside supporting Cena. Wyatt hasn’t accepted the challenge yet. The Margaritaville comments still irks me. Why do you have to get cheap giggles, John? That’s what annoyed me about Foley sometimes. There’s a place and time for those types of promos, but he never can figure out when. Rowan’s beard is getting longer and longer. Cena wins with a roll up out of nowhere. Not much of a match to be honest. WINNER: John Cena
Wyatt throws his hat off as Rowan & Harper stand on the apron. Hogan & Cena stands their ground and the family members stalk back. “Real American” blasts. WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE…god I love that song. Hogan and Cena pose for the crowd.
Cole pimps the WWE App, as Christian and Sheamus have a rematch tonight with three stipulations to vote on, Falls Count Anywhere, Memphis Street Fight or 2 out of 3 falls.
Motorhead blasts and we’re joined by the Authority, who is booed out of the building. The minute anybody sees Stephanie holding the microphone everybody’s heart sinks. She dives in and blabs about what happened last week on Raw. She says they could have fired Daniel Bryan but they will follow by example and they will apologize. However, they expect an apology from Daniel Bryan tonight or there will be consequences. She puts down Daniel as half a man and puts over her husband’s junk. NO JOKES! They walk off. Well at least they got that out of the way quickly and not via a boring 25 minute promo.
MATCH: The Usos vs. Rybaxel
Ryback does an insert interview and puts himself into the Andre Battle Royal. The New Age Outlaws are at the broadcast table. Match is fine with decent announcing banter as Road Dogg keeps saying that they lost the titles last week because he can’t tell them apart. No shock, Usos win. WINNERS: The Usos
Kane is backstage lecturing the Shield about whether they are invaluable or disposable. Kane says the dissension all started when Reigns & Rollins lost the tag straps last year to the Rhodes Brothers. So tonight they get a match with Goldust and Cody. The Shield bust Kane’s balls for constantly losing to Daniel Bryan. Nice way to split Reigns off here by maybe not wanting to be the Authority’s bitches anymore.
MATCH: Big E vs. Jack Swagger
I hate when Champions are used as pawns in other storylines. Big E needs title defenses, not being a part of the Real Americans’ split. Big E will be in the Andre Battle Royal. So I guess we won’t get an IC Title match at Mania. Wow what a shock, and disappointment. Swagger just starts randomly talking to Cesaro and Zeb Colter when Big E rolls him up for the win. WINNER: Big E
Cesaro is laughing at him. He should be laughed at, he’s an idiot. Swagger gets in Cesaro’s face. Zeb Colter snaps, and blames both of them. He wants them to shake hands. Cesaro holds his hand out but Swagger won’t do it. He eventually shakes it but Cesaro squeezes very hard.
Back from break and we are joined by the man who two weeks ago chokeslammed Brock Lesnar through a table. The Phenom himself. Mr. 21-0. Taker’s entrance is still awesome, and I’ve seen it live many times. Last year at WrestleMania XXIX may have been the best. Someone does have a sign that says “21-1”. Some do feel it could be broken. Lawler had to be corrected when he said Brock Lesnar has never been in the ring with Undertaker. Cole and JBL then cover with “at WrestleMania”. Jesus Lawler do your fucking homework. Before Taker says a word, out comes Paul Heyman. He apologizes but says Taker preserves the greatest streak in any sport or entertainment. He puts together a run of guys who couldn’t have a streak like him. HBK never won two Mania matches in a row. Triple H never won three in a row. Hulk Hogan never won four in a row. Neither Steve Austin nor John Cena won five in a row. He pleads with Taker to not face Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Heyman worships the streak, but Brock Lesnar will show Taker reality. Taker says that Heyman should bring this back to Lesnar: The fear of death is greater than death itself, but the fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all. Taker says Brock will Rest….in….Peace. Will we get something better than No Mercy 2002 inside the Cell? Doubt it, but I think it could be close.
Two title matches on the live Main Event on the Network tomorrow. AJ will face Natalya for the Divas Title, and Dean Ambrose will defend the US Title against Mark Henry.
MATCH: Rhodes Brothers vs. Rollins & Reigns
Lawler fucked up again saying that Ambrose was the first Shield member to walk out of a match, when in reality he brawled with a Wyatt and never returned. Jerry, DO YOUR HOMEWORK! Why the fuck is he out there? Just retire, you are terrible. These four have great chemistry and any combination of match is always entertaining. Cody goes for both of his finishers but Seth Rollins blocks both and Rollins stomps his head into the canvas for the win. Pretty solid. WINNERS: Rollins & Reigns
MATCH: AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka vs. The Bellas
They talk about Total Divas returning Sunday on E! I’ll leave than to Ben & Jen. Nikki pins AJ when she reverses the Black Widow into the backbreaker for the win. WINNERS: The Bellas
Natalya (who was at the commentators table) glares at Nikki, who’s holding the Divas belt. No comparison there.
NCIS: Los Angeles guys are here: LL Cool J and the guy who played Robin in the crappy Batman movies.
Daniel Bryan comes out to a raucous ovation. He says Stephanie McMahon’s apology was crap, and that they want to scare him into falling in line. Bryan says Triple H can’t have it both ways; either be the COO or attack. Not both. He says whether he will apologize? He has one word. NO NO NO! Bryan says it ends here. Everyone is tired of Triple H not listening to anybody. Bryan says the Yes Movement is as strong as its ever been and tonight it will OCCUPY RAW! Daniel says he will not leave the ring until he gets his match at Wrestlemania. He says unlike other protests he will fill the ring and the arena with the YES MOVEMENT. He calls a bunch of people into the ring with Daniel Bryan t-shirts and he’s starting a rally! Wow, this is pretty crazy. We’re actually going to break. This is already more successful than that Occupy Wall Street crap. We’re back and there’s a huge contingent of fans with Daniel Bryan t-shirts all in the ring and around the ringside, at least a couple hundred people. The YES YES YES chants are rampant. Finally out comes Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. They change to NO NO NO chants. He calls them all hippies and trolls. Triple H says they have thirty seconds to disperse or else he’ll call security. Bryan says everybody can leave and Raw can go live with an empty arena. Two fat bald clowns are going to clear out a couple hundred people. They walk up to the end and decide to turn around. Stephanie talks about power going to your head, and he says Daniel Bryan is the wrong horse to back. Daniel Bryan says the Authority doesn’t own anything. Triple H says enough with this crap and let’s start the next match. Out comes Damien Sandow who can’t get in the ring because there’s no way to get in. Stephanie finally snaps and says her family owns everybody and everything. Bryan isn’t budging. Triple H says he actually likes Daniel Bryan and tried to protect him. He won’t fight Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania because he will end him. Triple H finally caves and says Daniel Bryan gets his match. Daniel Bryan then says, well that’s not all he wants. Daniel Bryan also asks that if he beats Triple H at WrestleMania, he gets inserted into the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match with Randy Orton and Batista. Triple H flips out and is being held back by security. He yells out that Bryan gets his deal, but he won’t make that title match. See, everybody got what they wanted. April 6th Daniel Bryan wins two matches and will be on top of the world. What an awesome segment. Best promo of any capacity in quite a while.
Jerry Lawler is in the ring with his women’s blouse on. And we now get the stipulation for the Sheamus/Christian match. Of course the stipulation with the city’s name in it wins. Duh.
MEMPHIS STREET FIGHT: Sheamus vs. Christian
I have a good feeling about this one. Their match last week was pretty good. There’s a drum set on the outside. There’s also some acoustic and electric guitars. They are really working stiff tonight, as Christian is bringing all the goods from guitar shots to kendo sticks. JBL keeps saying that Lawler allowed all the YES MOVEMENT people to get in because he knows everybody in town. Lawler won’t answer. Either something’s brewing or Lawler fucked the segment up by no-selling it. This match has been fun with a lot of crazy stiff kendo stick shots. The one thing about Sheamus being so pale is that you can see his welts and injuries so clearly. Christian lays three chairs on Sheamus and drops a Frog Splash for a two count. Wow what a move. This match has been fun. Sheamus wins when Christian carries the bass drum towards Sheamus and the Irishman Brogue Kicks Christian through it. WINNER: Sheamus
I predict Sheamus wins the Andre Battle Royal at WrestleMania.
General Manager Brad Maddox is stuck telling Batista about what happened when Randy Orton busts in and does his usual whining. Maddox says they have to work together tonight.
Out comes Lana with Alexander Rusev. Already like him, a big Cold War-type hoss.
Bray Wyatt returns and officially accepts John Cena’s challenge for WrestleMania.
MATCH: Big Show & Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton & Batista
It’s almost like Randy Orton & Batista have been totally forgotten in this entire saga. Pretty much because nobody cares about either of them. I thought the crowd would be gassed by this point after that epic segment and great street fight but not at all. Batista looks so clumsy it is embarrassing. This may be the biggest failure signing in WWE history. They are definitely focusing on Orton-Bryan as they dominate most of the action in this match. Bryan ducks an RKO and hits the Running Knee for the win. WINNERS: Daniel Bryan & Big Show
The crowd dominates the YES YES YES chants as we go on the air. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: The Raw that has finally given us the anchor matches for WrestleMania we’ve been waiting for. A fun show with great promos and some good in-ring action. April 6, Daniel Bryan will get everything he wants. One person who always gets what he wants is the purveyor of thehistoryofwwe.com, Graham Cawthon. Follow him @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!
@thehistoryofwwe Oh, Brad Maddox is still around? Remember when JoMo had that role as Johnny Nitro 10 years ago?
Yeah, Graham and he did as much as Brad is doing now.