“It’s the dawn of a new day. It’s the dawn of a new day coming”
Coming to you live from an eerily similar arena to the one seen on Monday Night Raw earlier this week, it’s the only WWE program even the smartest marks in the chat room foolishly choose to ignore, it’s WWE Superstars. Now for those new to the program, Superstars was once the “Place to Be” when it came to getting your weekly wrestling fix. Prior to 1993, if it was happening in Sports Entertainment, it usually happened on a Saturday morning when ordinary children were out playing TV tag or 4-Square. But this guy wasn’t having any of that choosing wrestling above all other things. So not very much has changed in the last 20 years with the exception of the fact that Superstars has now been relegated to Fridays – exclusively on Hulu Plus – and the WWE now gives you at least five shows weekly to help you get that fix. So with all that said, Welcome to the Superstars Recap! On to our first match!
Your announcers tonight are NXT’s Tom Phillips and Boston College standout Alex Riley.
NAOMI (w/ CAMERON and BRODUS CLAY) vs. AKSANA (w/ ALICEA FOX)
The more talented of the Funkadactyls, Naomi starts us off but the story is the presence of Clay boasting a bright pink T-shirt as WWE joins the fight against breast cancer by supporting Susan G. Komen For a Cure. Clay, looking like a walking, talking, jiving piece of cotton candy is ready to go in his ring gear despite the fact this is a divas contest. Riley is very quick to put over Naomi though stating that if it was all about athletic ability, she would be Divas Champion right now. She certainly does have a tremendous move set and it could be interesting if she is given a push down the road for A.J. Lee’s title. Aksana is definitely working the sensual angle as well as you can considering the company prides itself on being PG. Had she been around in 1998, she would probably be either a multiple-time champion or on the cover of Playboy. But in 2013, she is neither of those things. Naomi hits a head scissors maneuver, a drop kick, and this sick wheel barrel stunner for a two count before Aksana steals everyone’s buzz by botching a gut-wrench suplex. Naomi recovers with the “rear view” and that’s all she wrote WINNER: NAOMI Let the dancing and booty shaking commence!
Our first trip back to Raw happens following the break when the Champ, John Cena comes out with his newly won World Heavyweight Championship. The West Newbury, MA native overcame a devastating triceps tear and vanquished the title reign of Alberto Del Rio at Hell in a Cell as many of you know. I say all this because other writers on this site may wish to downplay the heroics of John Cena and question why he came back from injury so soon. It is probably killing them right now in fact to even read this paragraph without wincing in pain. So I say this to those still reading: if you are looking for an entertaining albeit cliché rant against the leader of Cenation, you are reading the wrong review! We practice Hustle, Loyalty and Respect in these parts! And with that, let’s move on before I get fired.
So Cena was challenged by Money in the Bank briefcase holder, Damien Sandow on Monday and without going into all the details, Sandow blew his opportunity and lost out on both the World Heavyweight title and his briefcase on that fateful night. Putting biases aside, I can’t help but feel sorry for Sandow. Not only did he lose cleanly, but Cena literally beat him one arm. I could be proven wrong, but if you get the jump on your opponent, hit your finisher and still lose to the one-armed man, I don’t see you hoisting up the gold anytime soon.
We next get highlights of the main event at Hell in a Cell including Daniel Bryan delivering the high knee to HHH followed by the Sweet Chin Music heard round the world when referee Shawn Michaels double-crossed his protege. That’s followed by another clip from Raw when Bryan goes face-to-face with The Heartbreak Kid. I loved the promo as Shawn got progressively more aggravated with Bryan for not accepting his apology or shaking his hand. (“Let me tell you something you self-righteous little puke!” Yikes!) Both men played their roles perfectly and the payoff of seeing Bryan turn his handshake into the “Yes” Lock submission was nothing short of brilliant. Great stuff!
KOFI KINGSTON vs. SANTINO MARELLA
HUH? These two are fighting each other? You don’t have two bigger sugar-coated babyface mid-card players on the roster than these two. Both have been United States, Intercontinental and Tag Team champions in the past. Both entertain the young audiences in their own unique ways. And both would look extremely silly if they ever decided to become heels at this stage in the game. That’s what you get on Superstars though. It’s predictably unpredictable!
One funny moment came when each combatant executed matching arm drags, hip tosses and drop kicks but when Kofi performed a perfect nip up, Santino fell flat on his back trying to do one of his own. You can tell these guys were having fun out there. In the end, Kofi found a way to kick out of the cobra strike and then would connect with a Trouble in Paradise to Marella’s cobra-covered arm. A roll up and a three count later and it’s all over but the shouting. WINNER: KOFI KINGSTON
I may catch flack from my colleagues but this was a fun little gem of a match that likely would never see the light of day on Raw or Smackdown. No heel turns here as both shook hands at the end and for those of you wondering, Santino eventually redeemed himself with a successful nip up late in the contest.
In case you missed my joke from my previously unpublished review of last weeks show, it’s remarkable that Stone Temple Pilots provided the official theme song for Hell in a Cell. Not bad for a band that’s been dead for 12 years now! ZING!
Alas, we conclude with, you guessed it, a Raw Rebound. This time the championship celebration for the “Face of WWE” Randy Orton, the new WWE Champion. Superstars lined the stage as Orton ripped into the locker room talking about being their superior. The largest athlete in the unemployment line, Big Show spoiled the celebration however, by knocking out Orton and spewing nonsense about suing HHH for “every damn dime.” A hot finish that opens the door to numerous possibilities for the upcoming Survivor Series pay-per-view.
Two matches, lots of fluff and another opportunity to make fun of STP. What else would you be doing on a Friday night?
