Matt’s Smackdown Recap 7/26/13

Damien Sandow learns to swim the old-fashioned way thanks to Cody Rhodes. (Courtesy of WWE)
Damien Sandow learns to swim the old-fashioned way thanks to Cody Rhodes. (Courtesy of WWE)

WWE: Smackdown
July 26, 2013
Corpus Christi, TX
American Bank Center

The current WWE champs were as follows:
WWE Champion: John Cena (4/7/2013)
World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio (6/16/2013)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Curtis Axel (6/16/2013)
WWE U.S. Champion: Dean Ambrose (5/19/2013)
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Shield (5/19/2013)
WWE Divas Champion: AJ Lee (6/16/2013)

Your hosts are Michael Cole and JBL.

Randy Orton vs. Damien Sandow
It’s the battle of the Money in the Bank winners! Isn’t Damien Sandow just Mr. Bob Backlund in 2013? Aren’t we all just plebeians to this guy? Is he going to run for POTUS in 2016 on the platform that homework should be doubled? Average match here with nothing too interesting happening. Sandow hits his Elbow of Disdain, but Orton quickly comes back with his usual. As he goes for the DDT through the ropes, out comes Cody Rhodes. Sandow backdrops Orton out to the floor and could possibly turn the tide, but Cody goes over and grabs his briefcase. While he’s wondering what Cody is doing with it, Orton sneaks in and spins Sandow around for the RKO to pick up the win at about 11:30 shown. While Sandow watches on recovering from that RKO, Rhodes winks at him still holding the briefcase as he walks back through the curtain. JBL – “That’s not his!” Of course, Cole thinks it’s okay since Cody is a babyface. **

Let Us Take You Back to Raw from two weeks ago: Paul Heyman brings out Brock Lesnar to take out CM Punk, leaving Punk beaten and bruised.

CM Punk comes out to announce he’s got what he wants: the Best vs. the Beast. People have warned him that he’s just falling into Paul Heyman’s trap, but Punk knows the weaknesses of not only Heyman (his ego) but also Lesnar (trusting Heyman). Punk says he’s finally realized that Heyman didn’t bring him into the WWE for his sake, but for himself so that he could point at Punk and claim that he made him knowing that Punk would become a huge star one day regardless. Punk alludes to Heyman calling him a thoroughbred, but in Punk’s mind that just meant he was another horse in the race. Heyman somehow wanted to be in both corners of Punk and Lesnar because he wants it all, but Punk proclaims that he will take everything from him at SummerSlam. Once Punk takes everything Lesnar can dish out at him, he says he’s going to kick Lesnar in the face over and over again until he is an “unrecognizable pile of failure.” After that, he’s got something special lined up for Heyman. Oh wait, Fandango’s music hits. He does his whole entrance with the lovely Summer Rae and meets Punk in the ring, who then nails him in the head with the microphone, and leaves him laying with the GTS. Well, I guess he was about done with that promo anyway. Good stuff!

‘Total Divas’ premieres this Sunday night at 10PM EST/9PM CST on E! Sad to see someone as talented as Natalya being a part of this debacle.

Say there’s a guy at your office with the hiccups and they just won’t go away. Call 1-800-FELLA and Sheamus will appear and Brogue Kick your friend!

The Usos & Mark Henry vs. The Prime Time Players & Wade Barrett
Geez, Barrett has been relegated to hanging out with the PTPs. Really just a warm-up match for Henry and the Usos as they will be taking on the Shield next Monday night. I imagine it will continue onto SummerSlam though. One of the Usos play face-in-peril for about a minute as Henry gets the hot tag. The Usos take out Young and Barrett with superkicks, leaving O’Neil to take the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM at 3:30. ¾*

WWE Rewind is brought to you by Little Caesar’s: Raw, 7/22/13. During Daniel Bryan’s THIRD match of night against Ryback, he gets a powerbomb through a table to win via DQ. Even though Bryan didn’t want John Cena anywhere near his matches, Cena came out to save the day anyways. It’s what he does.

Double Main Event hyped for next week’s Raw: Daniel Bryan meets Kane while John Cena gets his hands on Ryback – in a tables match!

In the back, World Champ Alberto Del Rio asks the new Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero if she would let him pick his opponent for SummerSlam since the WWE Champ John Cena got to do the same. She’s down with that and gives him a week to think of an opponent. Rob Van Dam stops by and naturally thinks it should be him.

Elsewhere, Damien Sandow (selling the RKO!) is backstage looking for Cody Rhodes. No one is any help. Sin Cara messes with him a little bit. Hilarious.

Non-title match: World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD beats on ADR in the corner and he bails to wait for Van Dam to make a mistake. Once his back is turned, Del Rio shoots back inside only to be cornered again. While holding his side, ADR tells ref Chioda “no mas”. Chioda apparently doesn’t understand basic Spanish and all but yells at Del Rio to SPEAK ENGLISH. RVD continues to jump at Del Rio and once the ref backs him up, ADR catches him with a savate kick for the win out of nowhere at 2:30. I was definitely expecting more than that. JBL thinks it’s brilliant though. ½*

Damien Sandow is still looking around for Cody Rhodes. He comes upon Booker T and Mark Henry, but black people don’t snitch. Mark Henry said it, not me! Sandow brings up Booker’s past as an interim Smackdown GM and that he should tell him if he’s seen Cody. Well, Booker doesn’t take that kind of talk lightly. In fact, he wants someone to tell him Sandow didn’t just say that. Henry manages to alleviate the situation.

Here comes the Divas champ AJ Lee with her pal Big E Langston to deliver her “State of My Mind” address. She’s doing fine, guys. Really. Everyone who thinks she’s a gentle nudge away from a complete mental breakdown are kidding themselves. She has the Divas championship after all and like her former best friend Kaitlyn and ex-boyfriend Dolph Ziggler have done, it will NEVER leave her. To show us all how okay she really is, she’s ready to get rid of Dolph’s house keys. Out comes Dolph Ziggler. He say he’s given out hundreds or maybe thousands of copies of his house keys to women all over. Well, that just sounds downright irresponsible and expensive. Dolph doesn’t care about the keys she has since he’s changed all the locks. She then goes to plan B and pulls out his suitcase and starts cutting up his driver’s license, his passport, his credit card, she even rips up his cash for some reason. Ziggler is not even phased by her psycho shenanigans. Crowd begins to chant “you’re a psycho”. She starts throwing a tantrum by tossing his clothes out of the suitcase all over the ring. Big E tries to calm her down, but she’s lost it. As her tantrum spills out onto the floor, she fails to see Kaitlyn coming by to nail her with a SPEAR. Big E wants to help AJ up off the floor, but Ziggler drops him with the Famouser. I’m feeling a mixed-tag for SummerSlam.

We get a video package from last week on Raw when the GM Brad Maddox forced Daniel Bryan to have not one, not two, but THREE matches. He beats Jack Swagger with the YES Lock, has a classic encounter with Antonio Cesaro, and then takes a powerbomb through a table courtesy of Ryback. Next week – Daniel Bryan battles Kane.

The Wyatt Family vs. Tons of Funk
This is the Smackdown debut for the Wyatt Family. Bray Wyatt watches on from his rocking chair in the aisleway. They make an example out of this goofy tag team. Brodus Clay doesn’t even get in the match before Erick Rowan hits Tensai with a jumping splash for the win in about a minute. ¼*

Afterwards, Bray comes in and delivers Sister Abigail (same reverse STO finish from when he was Husky Harris) to Tensai. He suspects Kane is looking for him, but he’s not hard to find. He’s always been waiting for Kane. Look to the sky, and follow the buzzard. Freaking phenomenal.

Damien Sandow is now in Vickie Guerrero’s office demanding satisfaction. She says she’s already alerted the authorities and to just give it time. Is she turning face? Damien says he doesn’t have time and that he’s going to find Cody and his briefcase tonight.

Christian vs. Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Colter)
Cole tells us that Christian has been on a roll as of late and boldly backs that statement up by saying he defeated Titus O’Neil on Raw. Alright. Swagger delivers a Pop-Up Superplex on Christian to take us into a break. When we return, Christian mounts his comeback. Swagger thwarts a few tries at the Killswitch, but it’s inevitable as Christian (who has been on such a ROLL lately) pins Swagger at about 5:30 shown.

Damien Sandow interrupts Christian’s victory by coming out and telling the people that he’s issuing a warrant for the arrest of Cody Rhodes for grand larceny. He also demands that Vickie Guerrero fire him as well. That’s when Cody Rhodes shows up on the TitanTron standing in front of what appears to be a large body of water. Oh boy. This won’t end well. Yep, that’s the Gulf of Mexico. Cody says he’ll hand back over the briefcase if Sandow comes out to meet him. After a commercial break, Sandow has found Cody rather quickly. He’s outside the arena and across the street. How did he know exactly where he was so quickly? Anyways, Sandow begins to compliment Cody on how smart Cody is and that he has better facial hair. He even says that Cody is more handsome than he is. Cody likes what he’s hearing, but he’s standing in front of a body of water, and the rule to this angle is that you have to throw something of value into the water. So, goodbye blue briefcase. Sandow can’t swim, but dives in after his contract anyway. He never reaches the briefcase and heads back to shore a very disappointed and very wet Intellectual Savior. Just a bad night all around for this guy.

Final Thoughts: Entertaining show with the latest chapter of the Team Rhodes Scholars saga along with the AJ Lee and CM Punk promos, but really weak wrestling-wise. Even though their part in the show was short, it was good to see the Wyatt family. I’m digging them pretty hard right now.

Matt’s Smackdown Top Five:
1) Damien Sandow
2) CM Punk
3) AJ Lee
4) Dolph Ziggler
5) Cody Rhodes