5.
2009
-Just keep pointing at the sign damnit!!!-
Winner: Randy Orton (8)
Number 1: Rey Mysterio
Number 2: John Morrison
Number 30: The Big Show
Final 4: Randy Orton, Triple H, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase
Iron Man: Triple H (49:55)
Most Eliminations: Triple H + The Big Show (6)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: They make such a big deal out of The Big Show and no one seems to care. They try three times for a standoff with Takerr and the fans don’t bite. So… Big Show. And Kane.
Best Moment: My personal favorite is after Randy Orton RKOs Goldust, he allows Cody to toss his brother. Such a nice little touch that tells the master/apprentice story perfectly. I’m also a huge fan of the three on one beat down of Triple H and not only because I hate him. It just sums up the story of the match perfectly.
Worst Moment: Shad’s “aw shucks” reaction to losing the coin toss to JTG was cringe worthy. Also the entire racist gimmick of Cryme Time.
Most Shocking Moment: Clearly it’s Rob Van Dam showing up.
Best Elimination: Orton RKOs the Big Show out pretty smoothly.
MVP: Randy Orton is a star in this match. He’s the hottest thing going coming into the match and while he could have coasted on his presence alone he instead busts ass on his way to victory. Every RKO segment is dynamite especially to a flying Rey Mysterio, (before that spot was played out) and Orton makes every moment he’s in there urgent, which is such a fundamental building block to a great match.
Biggest Pop: Surprisingly it’s Rob Van Dam showing up.
Most Heat: Jericho tosses RVD while he’s suffering the side effects of his frog splash. The crowd is pissed.
Least Interesting: Mike Knox. Why? And who? And for god’s sake shave that beard. A more useless Snitsky. Imagine! At least Snitsky killed a baby.
Biggest Blunder: It’s after the match, but Orton pointing at the sign for what feels like forever before the fireworks go off is great.
Who Deserved Better: I felt guys like Carlito, Morrison and Kozlov all deserved better here. Instead of Rey getting the longevity why not toss them a bone? Instead they’re just fodder for HHH and the REAL stars.
Who Else Could Have Won: I think there may have been something really interesting in either Rhodes of DiBiase winning. Well Rhodes I guess. DiBiase is rubbish.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: The gap between what Duggan’s body looks like and what Jericho’s is waaaaaaaaaaay too narrow.
Why It’s Number 5: So I’m sure I’ll take some flak for ranking this one this high but I LOVE he storyline of a group or team working together and dominating. It really is amazing (and dumb) it took them 22 tries before they went this route. Legacy is phenomenal here as they’re painted as a pride of lions, zeroing in on guys while Orton commands and teaches them. That alone is enough to put it high but then add on great outings from CM Punk and Rey Mysterio and I think if people would give it another chance they’d see there’s really something here. Watching it in 2009, what’s jarring is how bright the future could have been for the WWE unfortunately within a couple of years all those building blocks, (Carlito, MVP, Morrison, Kozlov, Kendrick, Benjamin) would either be gone or in Kofi Kingston’s case de-pushed for no reason. Sort of sad looking back but still a fun watch.
4.
2010
-Excuse me… It’s clobberin’ time.-
Winner: Edge (29)
Number 1: Dolph Ziggler
Number 2: Evan Bourne
Number 30: Batista
Final 4: Edge, John Cena, Batista, Shawn Michaels
Iron Man: John Cena (22:11)
Most Eliminations: Shawn Michaels (6)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: He may have thought he was being clever/aerodynamic running hunched over to the ring but Batista couldn’t pull it off. Also the man who according to Matt Striker ” eliminated over ten opponents on one occasion,” Kane lost again.
Best Moment: In any other Rumble it’s the straight edge sermon portion of the evening. In this one it’s Shawn Michaels falling out of the ring grasping the air desperately trying to hold on.
Worst Moment: In any other Rumble it’s John Cena. All of him. In this one it’s Shawn Michaels’ acting performance following his aforementioned elimination. The word “Ham” comes to mind but it’s worse than that. It’s shocking that someone who had such a great Rumble performance ends up topping it with shit instead of cherries. Cherries work Shawn. It’s a simple formula.
Most Shocking Moment: Michaels turns around a super kicks HHH right out of the ring. (Shocking and satisfying)
Best Elimination: Kofi Kingston, on the apron, jumps and wraps his legs around R-Truth’s neck and ever so gently flips him out.
MVP: Shawn Michaels. He adds all the heart to the match. The fans bite on every near elimination he has and all of his flurries sent the crowd into a frenzy. It’s all well and good to be able to flip around and do crazy moves but Shawn connects to the audience on a visceral level here. It just works.
Biggest Pop: Edge’s surprise return.
Most Heat: Batista pushing Michaels out.
Least Interesting: “The Marine” Ted DiBiase. What a drop off from the year before. How did this guy manage to secure the push he received being that he’s boredom personified.
Biggest Blunder: Allowing, and continuing to allow any combination of Michael Cole, Matt Striker and King on commentary. Holy shit they’re obnoxious and they really take away from the match. They’re trying so hard to get over stupidities like “The Mentalist” or “Controlled Frenzy” that they leave themselves no space to call the story of the match. It’s a testament to how good the guys in the ring are that they can tell a compelling story with these idiots screaming “Ohhhhhhhhhhh” every few seconds. Absolutely unacceptable work.
Who Deserved Better: John Morrison. This guy is just oozing star power and is incredible to watch in these things. I wish they would have kept him around longer. I get why they didn’t but he would have been a welcome addition to the entire match.
Who Else Could Have Won: CM Punk. He was ready and his straight edge sermons deserved better than just being stopped by a puffy HHH. With his win we could have gotten the Punk/Cena WrestleMania main event that we all deserve to have seen.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: Is Jack Swagger’s character that he’s mentally challenged?
Why It’s Number 4: Here’s why this is so high: of all the Rumbles I’ve watched I’m not sure I’ve seen one that has a more personal and emotional objective for one of the guys in it. Yes it’s important to go after the title (it should be everyone’s objective, when it’s not you get… you get…. you get today…) but Shawn Michaels NEEDED to win this to reclaim his honor. So simple a story, but so effective. He baits the crowd in from the start and I’m not sure there was anyone in the building that wasn’t pulling for him to win. And then he DIDN’T win, and it was totally the right choice. Him losing makes this match so much better (acting aside). While there are negatives ( the commentary, the acting, Triple H acting like the top baby face when he’s nowhere near) that story alone trumps them. Then add a great little mini match with Dolph Ziggler and Evan Bourne, all the tremendous star-making CM Punk stuff, a manageable number of guys in the ring at all times, jobber’s ring time kept to a minimum and an unforeseen winner and this one is a sneaky little top of the line rumble. If you didn’t enjoy the Shawn Michaels odyssey I get why you wouldn’t like this one and I fully expect you to think I’m an idiot/asshole.
3.
1997
-Ted has Mexicans, so god damnit we’ll have Mexicans too!”
Winner: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (5)
Number 1: Crush
Number 2: Ahmed Johnson
Number 30: The Undertaker
Final 4: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Bret “Hitman” Hart, Kane, The Undertaker
Iron Man: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (45:07)
Most Eliminations: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (10)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: Kane. I’m not calling him Diesel.
Best Moment: Austin clears the ring for the second time. The clock runs down and Bret Hart’s music hits. Austin’s reaction and their subsequent brawl are what wrestling is all about.
Worst Moment: Ahmed Johnson attacks Faarooq with the mast of a ship presumably screaming “Dabadee, you sav a heeda!”
Most Shocking Moment: I remember being honestly a little shocked that Austin won. Especially having won by cheating. I mean how do you even cheat in the Royal Rumble?
Best Elimination: Vader tosses Flash Funk over his head and clear to the floor.
MVP: Austin all the way. He carries this match from beginning to end and is always engaging and interesting throughout. He has great brawling segments with everyone while winning the crowd over and making himself a huge star. As good as he is work wise it’s his charisma that elevates the whole match here. In ’94 you had Diesel throwing guys out and slowly getting over. Here Austin uses every second of time to get himself over. My favorite parts being his treatment of Jake Roberts. First he prays as Jake walks down the aisle, and when he finally does eliminate Roberts he goes and gets the snake and throws it on him. Such a small moment, but a very telling microcosm of his entire performance.
Biggest Pop: Bret “Eliminates” Steve Austin.
Most Heat: Fake Razor. And it’s not good heat. It’s “I’m legitimately mad I bought a ticket and you’re on the show. Your impression of Razor Ramon is putrid and I’m insulted as a human being for having to sit through your shit” kind of heat.
Least Interesting: Pierroth (The Champion Of Champions) and Cibernetico (He’s only 20!) contributed a grand total of zero to the match. At least the Latin Lover threw a super kick and Mil Mascaras was fat.
Biggest Blunder: Austin and Bart Gunn kind of mess up a rocker dropper. Honestly there’s not much here.
Who Deserved Better: Given the booking of the match this is hard. People were sacrificed a little more than usual to push the story forward. I guess Mero could have been in there at the end instead of say Henry Godwinn.
Who Else Could Have Won: What’s great about this one is it could have gone a bunch of different ways. I was convinced that Bret was winning, which would have been a fine choice. I think you can make a solid case for Taker as well, seeing as he’s going to the main event anyways.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: Crush wrestles like a man who’ s participated in a lot of “fights” in the shower.
Why It’s Here: The last eight guys in the ring are Austin, Bret, Kane, Taker, Vader, Mankind, Rock and Terry Funk. That’s a phenomenal line up with an interesting and clever finish. The match is so well booked start to finish. The only real slow spot is the ninety seconds where Crush and Phineas are in together. Then we strap this thing to Austin’s back and he entertains the hell out of us for the next forty minutes. The random Mexican guys were a bit lame but there was only four of them, and while there was a substantial pile of dead weight, they were mostly served to Austin. Great story, plus wonderful execution and a star-making performance from Austin make this one a pleasure to watch even today.
2.
1990
-29 over guys and a god damned chicken-
Winner: Hulk Hogan (25)
Number 1: “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Number 2: Koko B Ware
Number 30: Mr. Perfect
Final 4: Hulk Hogan, Mr. Perfect, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, Hercules
Iron Man: Ted DiBiase (44:57)
Most Eliminations: The Ultimate Warrior (6)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: Earthquake
Best Moment: Hogan and the Warrior square off and the fans lose their minds. Always imitated (seemingly every year), but no one has come close to recapturing this moment.
Worst Moment: The Red Rooster has the gall to enter the ring while Andre the Giant, Dusty Rhodes, Roddy Piper, Ted DiBiase and Bad News Brown are all killing each other.
Most Shocking Moment: Demolition dumps Andre on their own.
Best Elimination: Haku flips Smash to the apron, he thinks he’s safe until Haku kicks him in the face. I like when Haku kicks someone in the face.
MVP: Ted DiBiase. It’s one thing to be the iron man, it’s entirely another to be the iron man while consistently being involved and constantly popping the crowd with your near-eliminations.
Biggest Pop: Hot Rod’s entrance and subsequent saving of Jake Roberts from DiBiase and the Macho Man.
Most Heat: The Honky Tonk Man’s entrance. Honestly not a ton of heat here. The crowd was just screaming the whole time.
Least Interesting: The Rooster. He came in. Did nothing. Was thrown out. At least Koko B Ware threw a swank dropkick and had those swanker sideburns.
Biggest Blunder: Dusty Rhodes clearly turns his back to Earthquake and calls for him to throw him out.
Who Deserved Better: Shawn Michaels. Consistently gets huge pops but was thrown out in like five seconds. Now the way Warrior tossed him over Haku was awesome, but they totally could have used Shawn’s connection to the crowd to have some cool false eliminations.
Who Else Could Have Won: Warrior so needed heel challengers after WrestleMania. Someone winning here would have gone a long way to give him a credible challenger. People always say Perfect should have won, and that’s totally valid, but why not Rick Rude? He was getting the push, and this would have set him up for a title shot more that squashing a bloated Jimmy Snuka.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: Was Dusty Banging Sapphire the whole time or just at the end? She’s Cody’s mom right?
Why It’s Number 2: The crowd was going crazy. The. Whole. Match. With good reason I might add as they were given a phenomenal Rumble. The booking here is near perfect, and they stumble early into a formula that makes all the best Rumbles: at all times they have either a huge face in the ring or an over heel who you want to see get thrown out. There’s always someone you’re invested in. Couple that with one of the most stacked rosters in Rumble history and this is an easy winner. There’s just so much star power throughout the entire match and the strange combinations of guys you see fighting are wonderful. The Hogan/Warrior business is also the stuff of legend and you can tell they desperately want to create that atmosphere every year. You could make the argument that the last ten minutes sag a bit under the great orange shadow, but the way they book the physical eliminations at the end more than makes up for it. It’s took them three years to nail one, but when they did it flew out of the park, left the Earth and flew into the constellations for WrestleMania 6. The very same constellations Vince salivates over to open the show that year.
1.
1992
-Get me something to drink…-
Winner: Ric Flair (3)
Number 1: “The British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith
Number 2: “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Number 30: The Warlord
Final 4: Ric Flair, Sid Justice, Hulk Hogan, “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Iron Man: Ric Flair (60:02)
Most Eliminations: Sid Justice (6)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: The Warlord.
Best Moment: Flair wins capping off an incredible run and paying off an hour of Bobby Heenan suffering. A close second is the whole sequence when Flair, Piper and Jake are in the ring together. It starts with Jake allowing Piper to murder Flair with a sleeper and degenerates to them all punching and chopping the shit out of one another.
Worst Moment: Hogan gets eliminated one million percent clean and proceeds to act like a big baby and spitefully helps pull Sid out. What a dick. He eliminates best friends Savage and Warrior the same way in ’89 and ’90, but THIS time it’s an injustice. Why are people still cheering this guy?
Most Shocking Moment: Sid casually dumps Hogan.
Best Elimination: Sid “propels” Slaughter to the corner so hard he smashes his chest and flies out of the ring.
MVP: Obviously it’s Flair. He’s everything to this match and his presence assured that the audience would always be invested in the match. He’s never inactive, always interesting and always a second away from being eliminated. Big honorable mention to the commentary team. Heenan usually gets all the credit here (and he deserves it) but Monsoon is just as awesome in his role. They both do a great job of not only putting over the importance of the match, but adding credibility to every guy who got in there. Imagine that, commentators who can put over the talent and on top of that are hilarious…
Biggest Pop: I really wanted Piper entering when Flair is alone and killing him to win this, but the sequence where Hogan eliminates Taker, dumps Berserker and then tears his shirt makes the crowd lose their collective minds.
Most Heat: Shawn Michaels’ entrance. I guess that Barber Shop segment worked…
Least Interesting: Skinner. If you’re entering a ring with Hogan, Piper, Savage and Flair you’d better be big and strong or at least be a tax guy. Skinner adds nothing, does nothing and looks unemployed.
Biggest Blunder: Putting Volkoff in the match. He looked like he was having the time of his life, but it’s impossible for anyone in the crowd or the ring to have cared less about him. Watching him trying to engage the other wrestlers is like watching the awkward guy in the club alienating all the women.
Who Deserved Better: Ted DiBiase gets two minutes? One of the biggest heels of the era that’s about to end. I get not wanting to have him and Flair in at the same time at the beginning, but put him in later then. At least he can humiliate Virgil one last time.
Who Else Could Have Won: Flair really is the perfect choice in every way. If I was forced to pick someone else I guess I’d go with Jake. Jake was so despicable in this run and the title may have launched him into the stratosphere.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: If you were to run all of Haku’s rumble entrances back to back chronologically, you’d watch a man losing his battle with obesity.
Why It’s Here: What more can be said about this one that hasn’t already been said by people more articulate and handsome than me. Flair’s performance coupled with Heenan’s commentary make this one of the most special matches you’ll ever watch. The added stakes of having the title on the line here worked so well, and still makes it feel like the most important Rumble ever. The booking is excellent as for the most part they got rid of guys who didn’t have a shot early and accented all the current feuds. We always go on and on about Flair but so many guys have a great outing here. Piper, Jake, Undertaker, Savage, Sid, Hogan and even the freaking Bog Boss Man all play their parts perfectly and have memorable outings. The final six guys in the ring are the huge newcomer, the “Real” world champion, the three most defining guys of the era and the current longevity record holder. It’s a fantastic end to a fantastic show and it’s no surprise it ended up being here.
So there you have it! 27 Rumbles ranked by one asshole/okayish guy. I had lots of fun doing this, it really gave me some perspective about what I enjoy about the Rumble and a few of my picks surprised me. Thanks for reading! And keep supporting Placetobenation.com !
