Monday Night Raw
June 3, 2013
No I didn’t go to this show live. I hate watching wrestling at the XL Center. Those who went, I hope you had a great time. We have a video recap of the Cena/Ryback feud from last week and on what’s happened with Triple H. Tonight, The Game gets a rematch with Curtis Axel. With that, out comes Triple H’s main squeeze. Stephanie McMahon makes her way out with a big smile on her face. She’s happy to be back on Raw, but she wishes it was under better circumstances. She talks about Hunter’s loss at Extreme Rules and his health struggles the following night. Hunter has been medically cleared, but she’s making an executive decision not to let him wrestle tonight. She knows this won’t be popular, but she’s making this decision as a mother and a wife and asks the crowd to not be so selfish. With that, the tones of “NO CHANCE IN HELL” start playing and out comes Vince McMahon! Vince’s hair has grown back to its old poofy ways, and he even dyed it! He’s happy to be here, but he doesn’t want his daughter booed. The decision she’s made tonight isn’t easy, but she’s right. Triple H shouldn’t be wrestling tonight, as the crowd chants vociferously. The McMahons are acting heelish, telling the crowd that they are selfish and only thinking of themselves. Vince asks what do these people want from him? All his organs? Vince says this is family entertainment, not blood sport. What the fuck is he talking about? He mentions Kofi Kingston getting powerbombed through three tables and the crowd wanted more. Well Triple H will not wrestle, and everyone here is beneath them. Well guess what, out comes the hounds. Oh yeah, out comes The Shield. Then, they went to commercial? COMMERCIAL?
We return from break and the McMahons left without incident. So we now have some six-man tag action.
SIX MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: The Shield vs. Randy Orton & Team Hell No
Oh for Christ Sakes. This is getting out of hand. Everyone involved here needs to move on to other things. Apparently the creative team was “stressed out” about tonight’s show. Well seeing this I’d be stressed out too, when I’ve run out of ideas. Tons of Funk are watching the match from the WWE App because they want a shot at Rollins/Reigns tag team titles. Sure they do. The match has the same TV fare that any other match with these same guys has already been. I’m officially done with Team Hell No. They had their fun, and we’ve enjoyed it but it’s time to move on. This match is pretty long, as this seems like an overlap match from one hour to the next and not a match in the middle of an hour. Very weird. Daniel Bryan gets a hot tag and goes all off with his kicks, then hits a hurricanrana off the top rope with Rollins and throws Rollins onto Ambrose. The crowd is buzzing now, but miscommunication and Bryan getting thrown into Orton leads to an Ambrose bulldog and the Shield keep winning.
Back from break, and Daniel is bitching about not being respected while Orton and Kane are exasperated. He says he will have another match, to prove respect.
Triple H arrives and he argues with his father-in-law and wife about wrestling tonight. He says no one is going to stop him even as Steph and Vince plead with him. Vince tells him he will regret it.
MATCH: The Usos vs. Primetime Players
Seems like a straight up tag team match, with the announcers saying this could be in essence a #1 contenders match for Rollins & Reigns’ tag straps. The Usos have new face paint, and a more animated entrance with pyro after their chanting. They win the match, and the crowd likes them, giving them a bigger pop than normal.
Special Olympics athletes are in the audience, as the World Games are next year in Connecticut.
MATCH: Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. Langston
AGAIN???? No wonder the creative team is on its last nerve. Isn’t Dolph healthy yet? Payback is in two weeks. They are beating Del Rio into the ground, but at least Langston is getting some real TV work, albeit against the same guy every week. They go back and forth, and Langston gets caught in the arm bar. Langston’s trying to power out of it, but Del Rio rolls him up for the win. Was that supposed to be dumb luck because Langston didn’t submit? The Hartford crowd really doesn’t care about Del Rio.
MATCH: Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes
Ugh. At least Cody’s entrance is on camera, and not during the commercial break. Damien Sandow is at the commentary table with JBL’s wife’s new book. The match is pretty solid as Cody is getting a majority of offense in while Sandow is entirely entertaining. He will have another mental game Friday on Smackdown. Cody misses a big moonsault, then Sheamus hits White Noise. One Brogue kick later, and its ANOTHER Sheamus win. I thought Sandow would interfere. Guess not.
After the match, Sheamus wants to shake hands with Sandow but he’ll have nothing of it, so Sheamus knocks him down. That was mean. Sheamus is turning into the worst thing possible: A babyface asshole.
We get a promo for that hideous Divas show on E! that nobody will watch.
Back from break, Triple H is still arguing with Stephanie over tonight’s match, and Triple H has decided to not wrestle tonight for his kids and not because Vince asked. He calls Vince a “crazy old bastard” and promises that next week Triple H will fight Curtis Axel before leaving. Cole compares that situation to Friday night when Ryback crushed Kofi Kingston with three powerbombs. He’s out two months with an elbow injury.
Backstage Daniel Bryan is pissed off and kicking stuff when Ryback comes over. They go back and forth, including Ryback calling Bryan “smaller than is puke”. Bryan says he’s not scared of him and Ryback says get in the ring with him “tough guy”. Ryback channeled Jim Duggan? Oh please don’t, this feud has been bad enough.
Vince McMahon then heads over to Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel. Vince says he won’t fight Triple H tonight or next week, but he will face John Cena tonight in a “no disqualification” match.
MATCH: Fandango vs. Great Khali
Fandango is wearing tassles on his biceps, channeling his inner…I guess half Ultimate Warrior and half Tatanka? After some action in the ring Fandango wants to bolt, but the Miz comes out to shoo him away, but instead Wade Barrett sneaks up behind him and cracks him with the Bull Hammer. So I guess the match is a no-contest? So we head into…another match?
MATCH: Wade Barrett vs. The Miz
This is the most disorganized Raw I’ve seen in so long. Everything’s pretty much slapped together on a napkin. This is like 1999 Nitro all over again. Matches are just ending and beginning and mushed together into long segments. During the match Fandango comes back out and starts dancing on the top of the ramp. Barrett is distracted and Miz puts him in the Figure Four and Barrett taps out. More 50-50 shit booking. Melt the IC Title and turn it into a dancing trophy.
We recap all the Triple H/Stephanie/Vince stuff from earlier in the night. Again, Triple H has left the show and will not wrestle Curtis Axel tonight.
Jerry is in the ring for the contract signing between CM Punk and Chris Jericho for Payback. Out first, Jericho. Then Paul Heyman, as we’ll save Punk for next Sunday in Chicago. Paul says this could have been done in private, but since we have to stroke Jericho’s ego we’ll talk now. He tells Jericho about what Punk will do in Chicago, but Jericho cuts him off and makes fun of Punk’s accomplishments. He doesn’t care about records or stats, he cares about Punk next Sunday in Chicago. So sign. Paul signs, and then as Jericho is about to sign Paul asks him if he’s ready to head into the belly of the beast. Hartford isn’t Chicago. Jericho says maybe you’re right, how about Summerslam in LA? Paul refuses. Jericho offers MSG. Paul says no. How about RIGHT HERE IN HARTFORD? Oh please, Hartford hasn’t been relevant in eight years. Paul says no. So would I, the place is a dump. Jericho says OK, Chicago. He says it doesn’t matter where it is, when you act like a jackass, you’re treated like a jackass. Where do we file it? Who’s lawyer’s office? Jericho says no, let’s file it somewhere special. So he sticks it in Paul’s pants and leaves. OK. That was weak.
Ugh, Main Event this week is Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro. I’m gonna be sick.
MATCH: The Bellas & AJ vs. Funkadactyls & Kaitlyn
Now I’m really gonna be sick. The crowd couldn’t honestly care less. Kaitlyn/Funkadactyls win.
Back from break and Kane says to Daniel Bryan he shouldn’t take on Ryback tonight. Bryan says he has to and Kane will not need to help him. Kane tells Bryan that it’s fine, he’s leaving and to call him when he finds his mind.
We have a new awesome vignette for the Wyatt Family.
MATCH: Daniel Bryan vs. Ryback
Ryback had been dominating until Bryan catches him in a one-legged Boston Crab. Then he gets another cool leg submission on him and starts clubbing him. Ryback regains control with a clothesline to the floor. Bryan fights back with more kicks and a missile drop kick. He then hits a crazy flying headbutt from ¾ across the ring. He fires kicks off but Ryback catches the last one and drops a powerbomb. Ryback lifts him up but Bryan catches him in the No Lock. Ryback fights and powers to the ropes. Ryback heads outside and Bryan goes for a flying tackle, but Ryback catches him and throws him into the announce table. The crowd’s pretty hot for this match. Ryback grabs a table from under the ring. He powerbombs Bryan through it and gets DQ’ed.
After the match Ryback leans an open table outside but John Cena comes out to stop any further carnage. While they glare at each other in the ring out comes Curtis Axel, this no DQ match is next.
NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH: John Cena vs. Curtis Axel
Cena dominates the action early and throws Axel all over the outside and the ring. Cena’s dodging Axel chair shots then, and Cena drop kicks him into the chair. I have to say, the Hartford crowd has been hot all night. Axel regains control and grinds into the WWE Champion. Cena makes his usual comebacks with his usual moves until he shoulder blocks himself into a steel chair. Twice Michael Cole calls Axel “Curtis Angle”. TWICE. I’m sure he’s getting hammered for that in his ear. Cena is getting pummeled with chair shots but he’s kicking out of pin attempts. Win or lose, Axel’s looking really strong here. Axel goes for the Perfect-Plex but Cena reverses into the STF. Axel hangs in there until Heyman grabs an iPad from the table and Axel smacks Cena with it. Cena lifts him up outside for an STF on the table Ryback left there. Cena drops him and goes after Heyman. Suddenly Ryback comes back and he spears Cena into that table left outside. Cena is counted out and Axel wins again. Ryback stands over him and yells Ryback Rules. With that we’re done.
SCOTT’S TAKE: The Triple H stuff was good storytelling but otherwise this show was a formatics mess with everything pretty much slapped together. Not great.
Scott’s Raw Top Five:
1) John Cena
3) Wade Barrett
5) Curtis Axel