Scott’s Raw Recap 3/17/14

The St. Patrick's Day Massacre. (Courtesy WWE)
The St. Patrick’s Day Massacre. (Courtesy WWE)

Monday Night Raw
March 17, 2014
San Antonio, Texas

We go back to last week and the legendary “Occupy Raw” segment. We then head live into the AT&T Center and the COO is already in the ring and he doesn’t look overly pleased. He says everything is the fans’ fault, and it didn’t have to come to this. But he will end Daniel Bryan and the YES Movement at Wrestlemania. He’s had a week to think about it, and at Wrestlemania he will be cold, calculating and without remorse. Later tonight he will say some things to Daniel Bryan face to face. That’s later and he said there is a big show to happen tonight, but we are interrupted by now the co-#1 contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Title, Batista. He is vociferously booed but he obviously couldn’t care less. He says that HHH may have problems with Daniel Bryan but now he has problems with the Animal. He’s going to Wrestlemania to become WWE World Heavyweight Champion and he earned the right by winning the Royal Rumble. Now he has to share that spot with a “goatface troll”. Then out comes the champion Randy Orton, and he agrees with Big Dave. Triple H says there is no possibility that Daniel Bryan beats him and he asks if Daniel Bryan has gotten into their heads. Batista says not as much as he’s in HHH’s head. Orton wants Daniel Bryan tonight in a NO DQ match, and HHH says yes. Orton tells Batista that they’re cheering Daniel Bryan because they don’t believe in him. Batista says Orton is a paper champion and they start jawing. Triple H tries to push them apart but they keep jaw-jacking. Triple H has had enough and can’t stand “Hollywood wannabes” coming back to think they know what’s best for business, and technically sound guys who are so screwed up in the head they need their hand held. So Triple H decides that at Wrestlemania there will be a Triple Threat match at Wrestlemania for the WWE World Title but it will be Batista, Orton, and HIMSELF. FUCK YEAH BABY! The King of Kings goes back on his throne? I’ll pay for that. And everybody can hate me when I bloviate the next night and that’s fine. (Just kidding, I love all you fans.)

Back from break and as Batista leaves the building he says “Coming back was a big mistake.” Ya think?

MATCH: Real Americans vs. Usos

A pretty stiff match as the Usos are becoming the fighting champions I anticipated they’d become. Cole says the WWE App won two awards from some social media group. Eleven million WWE App downloads. I think the Network has a lot do to with that. The Real Americans really taking it to the champions. I certainly hope Cesaro doesn’t eat the pin here. Unless Swagger botches something. Cesaro stops an Uso dive through the ropes with an uppercut, and then he hits the Equalizer for the win. Excellent booking there. WINNERS: Real Americans

They talk about the new cartoon called “WWE Slam City” on the WWE Network. That’s cute.

We go back to Smackdown when Kane got defied by the Shield. Now they are all backstage and Kane says some regrettable decisions were made. Kane says the Authority needs them tonight, and they will work as a team or the Authority will find the Shield “expendable”.

Since it is St. Patrick’s Day, Hornswoggle is passing trinkets out, until we get Bad News Barrett, who has some bad news. He talks about getting trashed and throwing up, plus being hungover the next day.

MATCH: Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil

Sheamus is wearing an Ireland soccer jersey. Titus has a hat and a fake orange goatee. Christian is at the broadcast table acting full heel. He rips Cole for not being a real superstar. He calls JBL flabby. Sheamus wins. WINNER: Sheamus

Sheamus puts himself in the Andre the Giant battle royal. Christian then attacks him and throws him into the steps.

Next Monday Arnold Schwarzenegger will bring stars from “Sabotage” to Raw. Scooby Doo will be there next week too.

Out comes John Cena to cut another aggravating promo about Bray Wyatt, as usual not taking it seriously. Cena’s on the cover of “Muscle & Fitness”, better than Vince’s spray painted cover in 2006. He says he’s wrestled over 3500 matches in WWE and they’ve had an up and down relationship. He says he’s always been honest with the WWE Universe. He says he’s afraid of Bray Wyatt, and who he is. He’s afraid the WWE Universe is listening to him. He says Bray Wyatt is convincing the WWE Universe that Cena is evil and has a dark side. He says he will always fight for the WWE Universe and will fight for his legacy at Wrestlemania. The Wyatt graphic comes up and there’s the Family. Bray Wyatt has a Cena t-shirt on. Bray says his childhood wasn’t rainbows and butterflies. He says his scars were his birthright. Wyatt says he can be like Cena and go to his castle with his “plastic girlfriend”. That got a rise from the audience. That promo was solid.

NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH: Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan

We’ve seen this match about 11 times since September. Good point by Cole when he says Daniel Bryan almost got the former Evolution running buddies to fight earlier tonight, without even being in the ring. The Daniel Bryan chants are very loud. That’s good because the crowd can’t ease up just because we all got what we wanted. The match is pretty standard until Orton pulls out a kendo stick and starts drilling Bryan outside. He then baits the crowd and the timekeeper by saying “THERE’S NO BELL TO RING”. Lawler is telling Orton to calm down. Why is Lawler even talking? God how useless. Lawler says that “somehow” Orton found a kendo stick. He’s not that stupid. A little stupid, but not that stupid. Bryan comeback with kicks and a kendo stick simultaneously. Orton has been dominating this match more than in previous matches with Bryan. Probably to bring some shine back to him heading into New Orleans. Orton starts crushing Bryan with a chair. Out of nowhere Batista comes back and spears Orton. Bryan gives Batista a drop kick to the outside and then pins Orton. Perhaps what happens April 6th? WINNER: Daniel Bryan

Batista power bombs Orton for good measure as the YES YES YES chants rain down.

JBL shows us how to sign up for the WWE Network.

Back from break and out comes Paul Heyman, who is introduced by Justin Roberts then introduces himself. Great heel touch every week. He says Undertaker’s last few Wrestlemania opponents have almost beaten him, while Brock Lesnar has dominated them. We get a video package of the Undertaker’s streak, and how he’s getting older and Brock Lesnar will end it. Actually quite a nice piece. Heyman says the Streak will be conquered at Wrestlemania. Heyman says the streak will Rest..In..Peace.

Backstage Triple H and Stephanie are talking and he says all we wants to do is talk to Daniel Bryan. Stephanie yaps about something, she’s pissed he put himself in the title match if he beats Daniel Bryan. Triple H says he’s got this tonight and at Wrestlemania he will prove it. Stephanie says “You better.”

MATCH: Fandango vs. Goldust

This could be an interesting match. Goldie keeps mocking Summer Rae’s dancing. Goldust is bleeding near his eye after Fandango botched the rana and the paint is wiped off. Goldust wins with a gordbuster. WINNER: Goldust

Undertaker will be on Main Event Tuesday night! Wow that’s huge. That’s the benefit of the WWE Network. They can do things live and juice up these other shows.

Kane comes out. Another promo? Kane says his responsibility is to execute the vision of the Authority. He says last week’s “Occupy Raw” segment was a dangerous attempt by Daniel Bryan. Kane has determined that someone with “connections” in Memphis could have helped Daniel Bryan with the segment. So Kane calls out Jerry Lawler and then calls out The Shield. They surround Jerry at the table and order him into the ring. Kane says he’s known Lawler for a long time and he won’t enjoy doing what he has to do. Seth Rollins takes the mike and says the Shield does what’s good for business. They then turn around and surround Kane. The crowd gets excited. The Shield attacks Kane. Reigns spears Kane, and then the triple Power Bomb. I wouldn’t say the Shield are babyfaces, yet. I’m sure Reigns will break out after Wrestlemania.

MATCH: Naomi & Cameron vs. AJ Lee & Tamina

The Bellas are at ringside pimping that show…what’s it called again? Ben? Naomi is wrestling with a broken orbital bone. That’s tough. You can tell AJ is getting “kind of” buried as she’s not getting any promo time and here Naomi beats her. Yet another eaten pin for Punk’s girl. WINNER: Funkadactyls

AJ is arguing with Tamina and she pushes her, so Tamina pushes back.

We have our next WWE Hall of Fame inductee, and it’s….Mr. T. He joins Ultimate Warrior, Jake Roberts, Lita, Paul Bearer and Carlos Colon. This means every participant in the Wrestlemania I main event is in the HOF, including the corner men (Snuka and Orton).

We go back to last week when Hulk Hogan announced the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Some of the participants are in the ring and down comes Big Show.

8-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Big Show, Big E, Dolph ZIggler & Mark Henry vs. Damien Sandow, Alberto Del Rio & Rybaxel

So there’s where Alberto Del Rio has gone. Poor bastard. All these guys are in the battle royal. Big E should be defending the Intercontinental Title at Wrestlemania, not be in the Battle Royal. This has been a fun match as all six guys have gotten some shine here. They all start throwing each other over the top rope until Big Show chokeslams Sandow to end it. WINNERS: Show, Big E, Henry & Ziggler

Renee is with Batista, who says he will never quit. He will leave Wrestlemania with what he came for, the gold.

John Cena will face Luke Harper Friday on Smackdown.

MATCH: Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt

Great video package with Wyatt mocking Cena. Could this lead to Cena’s heel turn? Maybe? A glorified squash. WINNER: Bray Wyatt

Triple H rejoins us and calls out Daniel Bryan. So in essence this match will be a play-in for the title match. Bryan is in the ring. Triple H says this may not be popular in his circles. Since Summerslam a lot has gone on, and what Triple H has done to Daniel Bryan has been best for business. Triple H says none of this is personal. Triple H notes what’s happened in the past is in the past, and it’s all about this moment. In three weeks there will be no apologies, and the two of them will do what they do best. He says Daniel crossed the line and now Triple H has no choice and he has to end the YES Movement. He wanted to look Daniel in the eye and say no hard feelings, may the best man win. He extends his hand. Daniel Bryan won’t take his hand. Triple H is cool with that. Triple H says he has dumped a world on Daniel Bryan since Summerslam, and yet he’s still standing here. He says others would have taken their ball and gone home. That line brings the CM Punk chants. Triple H says Daniel has earned his respect. He leaves but Stephanie comes out and says that she’s pressing charges against Daniel Bryan for last week. Cops come out and handcuff Bryan. Triple H and Stephanie are arguing. Triple H gets in the ring and the cops back off. Then Triple H beats the snot out of Daniel Bryan while he’s handcuffed. He’s throwing Daniel all over the ring while Stephanie shrieks in delight. Is it sad that Stephanie, not Triple H, Orton or Batista is the biggest heel in this company? Maybe she should be WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Triple H crushes Daniel with a chair shot, then finishes things with a Pedigree. Triple H says everything belongs to them. With that we’re out.

SCOTT’S TAKE: It’s sad that the “VP of Social Media” or whatever the hell title she has is the biggest heel in this company. The show overall was solid. The biggest heel in social media is NOT Graham Cawthon, the purveyor of thehistoryofwwe.com. Follow him @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!

Say what you will, #WWE has positioned the Authority getting their comeuppance at WM for the past 7 months. The pop will be deafening.

I concur, Graham.

Author: Scott Criscuolo

Scott Criscuolo is a co-founder of the Place to Be, co-host of the Place to Be Podcast, and was in the radio business for 10 years. He loves all things pop culture, and someday he will be the ghost writer for Triple H's autobiography. Send Scott an email