Superstars Nation, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to be here dispensing to you the savory goodness that is this week’s episode of WWE Superstars. If you heard the Kevin Kelly Show this week, you know by now that the theme of his program is to #finishstrong. It seems to be a very simple mantra to live by yet so often we as people have a difficult time achieving it in our normal lives. I found myself in a situation like this recently where I had the choice of either throwing in the towel and accept defeat or stand up, make positive changes and finish strong. Had I not been reminded of this by a couple of my close friends (That’s right, Kevin Kelly knows me! What? jk), I may not have had the strength or confidence to drop water balloons full of wrestling knowledge on your unsuspecting heads today. Here at the nation we never give up, we pop adversity in the mouth and have a few laughs most weeks at the expense of the Great Khali’s and 3MB’s of the world. So grab a seat with some Cheez-it Grooves and let’s head down to ringside!
Your announcers tonight are Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton. WOOOOOO!
NATALYA VS. TAMINA SNUKA
Continuing the rivalry I guess from TLC when Natty lost to AJ, these two square off for the second time in the last week. You may recall – and if not, Phillips and Saxton mentioned it before the match – that Tamina did not take kindly to Natalya’s victory over Super Fly’s daughter on Main Event. So here we go again in a classic Total Divas vs. True Divas bout. At least these two are wrestling this week and not talking!
I like the bodyguard Tamina character. Does anyone remember when she managed the Usos? They also tried her as a babyface challenger to Beth Phoenix not long ago but I definitely appreciate the similarities her and AJ have with Shawn Michaels and Diesel in 93-94. Maybe Tamina will be the one to finally end AJ’s reign but I rather enjoy their work as a unit. Natty gets blasted into the ring post from the apron early on and Tamina added insult to injury by swatting at her with her coat. A rest hold and more hyping of the Elimination Chamber PPV by the announcers later and Natty gets flattened again with a mammoth clothesline. As brutal as divas wrestling can be in the WWE, it’s nice to know they can occasionally throw at us two women like this who actually know their craft well.
Tamina is dominating the offense and nearly had this thing won following a Samoan Drop. She then misses a truly ugly splash from the middle ropes and it makes me think that perhaps she shouldn’t try to emulate her father so much in her matches. She then inexplicably gets angry at the announce table which was just the opening “The Queen of Harts” needed to make her comeback. I’d be angry too now that Alex Riley got too big for us here at Superstars. Screw you A-Ry! Anyway, that comeback was short-lived as Snuka clocked Natty with a savate kick to pie hole and that’s all she wrote. WINNER TAMINA SNUKA
Let’s go back to Raw as Randy Orton whines and complains about the Chamber and The Authority as the fans chant for someone WWE doesn’t want you to think exists anymore. Out come HHH and Stephanie to screw with Orton, but you know in the end they have his best interest at heart. Goodness, I’m sick of this storyline. The Authority had such promise until they couldn’t decide if they were heel or face. Orton has been such a weak champion when he could’ve been great. I’m getting mad so let’s end this paragraph now!
We next get the steel cage Tag-Team Championship match from Raw when The New Age Outlaws were challenged by the Rhodes Brotherhood. This whole match was set up so that Cody could show off his moonsault off the top of the cage. I can’t see how anyone escaped that without serious injury. It might have been cooler had Dogg caught him better but still, that was an amazing sight to see on live television. The champs retain and hopefully they put someone over at Mania if they make it that far.
Betty White on Raw! I haven’t been this excited since the last Subway Series which is another way of saying I’m not excited at all. Now if you brought back Vincent Price from the grave, now we’re talking!
LOS MATADORES & THE USOS VS. 3MB & CURT HAWKINS
Yes! Thank you WWE Superstars! My faith has been rewarded. How can we spice up the second half of this show which should be nicknamed “The Matadores/3MB Block?” The answers are The Usos and Curt Hawkins! It’s as if Vincent Kennedy McMahon was sitting at gorilla and said:
“GET ME THAT GUY WHO USED TO TAG WITH RYDER AND PUT HIM OUT THERE TO GET SLAUGHTERED WITH THE 3MB [expletive, deleted]!”
We also get treated to one of those randomly tossed together tag matches that is a fun warmup match but not likely to ever see the light of day on the big primetime shows. I’m actually pretty geeked for this! In a way, wouldn’t it be an improvement for Hawkins at this point to join the band permanently? I guess this match is his official tryout. In other news, El Torito is nowhere in sight. My mother must be devastated! The kayfabe reason for his absence is because he is training for bullfighting season. The news is always hard-hitting on Thursday afternoons at 4 on Hulu!
Even with the new additions, this is pretty much the same match we’ve reviewed the last number of weeks. Diego struggles and takes a beating after the break. Hawkins finally gets in but gets distracted firing cheap shots to his opponents on the apron and that allows Diego to tag in Jey Uso. Probably because he’s the new guy, the Hawk takes the lions share of the Uso offense before a flurry of activity at the match’s climax. It’s a spot fest to say the least with the ultimate highlight being when Jey went for a superkick to Hawkins who avoided it in such a way that Jey nearly hit Jimmy. Jimmy caught his twin’s kick and then whipped his leg into a baffled Hawkins who sold it like he was shot by a cannon. An Uso splash later and I don’t think Hawkins is making the band! WINNERS: LOS MATADORES & THE USOS
We get a commercial for Legends’ House which will, of course, be the No. 1 rated show on the WWE Network and you heard it hear first. I think Scott and I should do a weekly column about it in the style of Jen & Ben. It could be a winning combination considering I love reality TV about as much as Scotty likes “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. That sound you just heard is Scott unfriending me.
We close with the conclusion of the Orton/Daniel Bryan match that was set up earlier in the evening. Great match that brought back fond memories of their encounters last fall. It won’t happen, but should Bryan win the title and finally have his moment in the sun, I almost feel like it needs to be against “The Viper.” It would tell a much better story if D-Bry ends Orton’s unified title reign after all the shenanigans that started at Summerslam. When Kane gets involved, it became quite clear that Bryan has now taken Punk’s spot in the WrestleMania booking. It truly makes me wonder what he’d be doing if Punk actually still existed.
Not my favorite show but Tamina and The Usos shined. Maybe if this website thing doesn’t work out, I could train to become a bullfighter with Torito. It can’t be any less dangerous than being the 4th guy in 3MB.