McGinn’s WWE Superstars Recap 12/12/13

superstarsmainlogo

Previously filmed in front of a live studio audience, it’s time for Hulu’s fastest growing weekly recap written by a Greek/Irishman of course you all know as WWE Superstars. Tonight is the “Go Home” edition heading into Tables, Ladders and Chairs this Sunday so naturally our nameless arena is finely decorated with those aforementioned weapons of mass destruction. Title unification is in the air as is an expected foot of snow that is about to drop on my palatial one-bedroom palace! Baby, it’s cold outside but the action is scorching hot as we draw ever closer to our final WWE pay-per-view offering of the year. And speaking of hot, Divas action leads us off again so let’s head down to ringside!

Your announcers tonight are Tom “Frosty” Phillips and “Artic” Alex Riley.

But before we get started, both the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship are hanging above the ring. Clearly this is to further hype the story of crowning the Champion of Champions this Sunday. The winner of the main event will literally be reaching for the gold thus officially ending brand extension and two major title holders. It only strikes me as funny here because technically this segment was taped hours before they actually hung these belts from the rafters at the very end of Monday Night Raw. However, we’ll suspend reality here for a moment and ooh and ahh at the importance of Sunday’s Cena/Orton showdown. As stated last week, I’m psyched for this match! Anyway, here comes Kaitlyn!

KAITLYN VS. AKSANA

The rematch you thought you would never see! Last week I gave this match three paragraphs though I won’t hold my breath of reaching those heights for round two. If I can borrow a tactic from Scott and describe ring attire, Aksana changed things up by going with a black cat suit with a pink trim. She would have been the ultra sexy member of the Hart Foundation if this were 1987. These two actually work well together and I think Aksana works better when she’s in the ring with someone with actual wrestling talent. I found myself thinking we’d see the famous WWE Creative 50/50 booking here with the lovely Ukrainian getting her win back after last week. Kaitlyn ran into the middle turnbuckle and Aksana followed that with a spine-buster slam that would’ve ended the match had Kaitlyn not used the bottom rope.

She would remain in control for a few more minutes when out of nowhere Kaitlyn delivered a devastating spear and that’s how the cookie crumbles. Not sure if this leads to anything since they are pushing Natalya and the Total Divas but it’s great they are giving Kaitlyn something to do. Aksana meanwhile, looks up at the lights again! WINNER: KAITLYN

Our first flashback this week takes us to Daniel Bryan’s hometown triumph over Superstars mainstay Fandango. A fun match in front of a bananas crowd so no complaints here. I also could listen to Bray Wyatt all day. I don’t believe Bryan will turn heel and join the family since he is too over and putting him in a stable would be a waste but this storyline is rather intriguing. If it doesn’t go anywhere from here, I would much prefer to see Bryan face Bray one-on-one but this angle may have more juice in it beyond Sunday. I mean the hottest superstar in the company has to do something of substance as long as he remains out of the title picture. With that said, he probably goes down at TLC. If nothing else, at least the Goat Face won Superstar of the Year!

After the break, we go back to Raw to see the conclusion of another classic encounter between the “Second City Saint,” CM Punk and The Shield’s Dean Ambrose. I’m truly awful at predictions but I wouldn’t be shocked if this was a major PPV main event someday. This match teased of possible dissension in the ranks of Reigns, Rollins and Ambrose. When does a member of Hounds of Justice ever walk away from one of their own? It’s for this reason that I think Punk wins on Sunday beating the odds Kane set against him. Reigns spears Ambrose, Punk hits the GTS and I look like a genius!

On the TLC Kickoff, Dolph Ziggler will face Fandango in a battle of “Who has fallen off the face of the Earth fastest.” Ziggler was white-hot and World Heavyweight Champion just one day after WrestleMania. Fandango celebrated a victory over future hall-of-famer Chris Jericho in his debut match at Mania. A year ago at TLC, Ziggy beat John Cena! Maybe we will get that Ziggler/Zack Ryder “Internet” Championship match after all. I still would rather watch that than relive Orton/Big Show again!

LOS MATADORES (W/ EL TORITO) VS. 3MB (MAJAL & MCINTYRE)

Ole! Ole! Ole! One of my guilty pleasures taking on the now Two-Man Band since Heath Slater is still selling a vocal cords injury. The tag division is pretty deep these days and neither one of these teams figure into the title picture. It’s amazing to think that the Matadors pretty much owned the Real Americans for a couple of weeks and yet Zeb’s boys are the ones vying for the gold at TLC. At least the artists formerly known as Primo and Epico have tremendous in ring skills making them entertaining if nothing else.

McIntyre deserves better than this. How long will he continue to be punished? He does get in some devastating offense in this one literally throwing Diego around like a rag doll. Good for him for keeping up the energy in what will amount to a meaningless match. Fernando eventually gets the hot tag and buries a nifty swinging neck breaker on Drew before he eats a filthy drop kick by the former Chosen One. Diego dumped Mahal, McIntyre eats the finisher, El Torito gets involved, hilarity ensues. Game over! WINNERS: LOS MATADORES

A package is shown of the rivalry between Orton and Cena. Heck yeah I’m excited! If you haven’t seen it, it’s definitely worth a watch. As someone who hibernated through much of the ascension of these two, it’s truly incredible how eerily similar their career paths have been. This war could go down as one of the greatest main events of all-time and I can only hope both these guys are up for the challenge.

We close with the Raw Rebound and it’s pandemonium as Monday’s program concludes with bodies flying everywhere and questions left unanswered. For all you Cena haters in the audience, you don’t have a leg to stand on lately. That guy is bringing the goods with these promos and has almost sold this PPV on his own. Sure he may be ruffling feathers and going off book but this match has a Warrior/Hogan like feel to it and his mic skills to me have been excellent! Punk dusting off The Shield and going after HHH sounds good for business to me and yet another Cena heel turn tease just further muddies up the waters. Bottom line, if you aren’t excited for this main event and what can spawn from it, then you are either in denial or still asleep from Thanksgiving!

Two blah matches but more reasons to get geeked for TLC. In the words of Mean Gene, “don’t miss out, be a part of history, order TLC right now, exclusively on pay-per-view!”

Author: Dan McGinn

Dan McGinn is a former Minor League Baseball announcer, a five-star General in the #sweatervestarmy and an all around babyface who you should be happy to take home to dinner. He also happens to write about wrestling.