Seinfeld: The PTBN Series Rewatch – “The Seven” (S7, E13)

Welcome to Seinfeld: The PTBN Series Rewatch! On a regular basis, JT Rozzero, Aaron George, Andrew Flanagan, Jordan Duncan and Jason Greenhouse will watch an episode of TV’s greatest sitcom and provide notes and grades across a number of categories. The goal is to rewatch the entire series chronologically to see what truly worked, what still holds up today, what feels just a bit dated and yada, yada, yada it will be a great time. So settle into your couch with the cushions flipped over, grab a Snapple and enjoy the ride!


Best Character

JT: I thought Jerry was on fire in this one, landing great zinger after zinger in every scene. George was at his angry best here and Kramer had some good lines too but Jerry consistently made me laugh throughout an episode that was carried on the strength of its dialogue.

Aaron: If screaming “I AM FAMILY! I’M HAVING SEX WITH THE COUSIN!” doesn’t win you the best character trophy I have no god damn idea what will. Never mind the fact that the cousin is his fiancée who’s now been reduced to some cousin he’s banging. His desperate plea that precedes the screaming is as beautiful as it is ridiculously sad. Clinging to the absurd name Seven, begging them to reconsider taking it from him; all the while speaking the crippling truth that he in fact “has so little.” These are the precious moments of George Costanza. He also starts the episode by announcing he could date a couple’s unborn daughter before shoveling spaghetti into his gullet. Classic callback, classic Costanza.

Andrew: I really like Kramer in this one. From his mustard snobbery, to trying to buy half a soda, to his joyful bike rides, he’s really good throughout. But frankly, I’d give him the nod here based on the Jay Riemenschneider bit alone. That’s just a fantastic line.

Jordan: George killed it. I think the name storyline is sort of weak, but George does a lot with what he’s given. Watching him wolf down spaghetti like he hasn’t eaten in months is a great start, but he really shines with the name stuff. From confidently tossing out the name Soda to his reveal of Seven with a simply whistle and finger gesture to the meltdown at the end, this was a fun episode for ol’ Georgie boy. Also, can we start a worst character award and call it “The Susan”?

Jason: No one had a breakthrough performance here, but I’ll go with Jerry. He was on a roll with his one-liners and the obsession with Christie’s wardrobe was right up his alley.

Best Storyline

JT: This is kind of a cop out… but I am going with the overall dialogue. None of the actual stories really popped but man the dialogue in this episode was awesome across the board.

Aaron: George going ballistic over Ken and Carrie stealing his baby name. ESPECIALLY after shitting all over every name THEY wanted. When the mere thought of the name Joan is met with “I’m eating here” you know you’re dealing with a special type of psychopath.

Andrew: I didn’t love any of them this week, but I think I enjoyed the bike storyline the most overall. Kramer is great in it, as I already mentioned, and Newman’s appearance as the “impartial mediator … whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind” is a nice bonus.

Jordan: I liked the bike story only because it led to Newman’s King Solomon style ruling of cutting the bike in half.

Jason: The name stuff as well as the bike had its moments, but I’ll go with Jerry’s obsession with Christie’s wardrobe. An honorable mention goes to Kramer’s mooch tab bowl.

Ethical Dilemma of the Week

JT: I don’t think Elaine’s comment about giving the bike to anyone that helped her should have held up. She was clearly in distress and serious pain and not thinking clearly. Now, if Kramer reiterated the deal and Elaine still agreed in front of the witness, Jerry, then you may have a case. As is, it was never an official verbal bond.

Aaron: Jerry mentions in the opening monologue that we don’t complement each other as people any more (or ever) and that’s plain wrong so here we go. Justin: I value your friendship and your passion for your football team. Sure they’re awful but you stick with them and your loyalty is wonderful. Andy your silky smooth voice is as charming and handsome as your demeanor. You made me laugh once in the back of a van and I haven’t forgotten. Jordan we’ve gone to war together so many times I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s just say that when fighting the good fight it’s good to have a brother at your back. Jason, you’ve made me laugh with your anger and cry tears of joy with your Photoshop skills. All four of you are great people and don’t let any person/cat tell you otherwise.

Andrew: Is it OK to eat horse? I’ve always been fascinated by the cognitive dissonance of accepting an industry that treats animals as commodities for human consumption, but being disgusted by the thought of eating an animal not traditionally a part of that industry. That said, the thought of eating horse skeeves me out.

Jordan: While I think George reacted too over the top, it IS kind of cheap to steal someone’s baby name. It’s one thing if they are just offering names up and saying, “I like Seven, I like Se7en, I like Goldust’s character Seven” or something like that, but if they say, “I want to name my child Seven because it is unique!” and then you take it? Not cool.

Jason: Is naming a child after your favorite athlete OK? Sure! But, naming the kid by that athlete’s number is a bad move. Let’s think about this. It’s like naming your kid after your favorite wrestler’s finishing move. Figure-Four Greenhouse? Elbow Drop Greenhouse? Sweet Chin Music Greenhouse? GORE Greenhouse? A pretty name for a girl.

Relationship Scale (Scale 1-10)

JT: The whole Jerry and Christie thing was creep city from the jump. From Jerry eye banging her in the toy store to him trying to force her to change inside her apartment, it all felt a bit too much this time around. Relationship Grade: 0/10

Aaron: Can I just say that if Jerry were to act as creepy in 2016 as he did in that antique shop not only would he not get a date but a public shaming campaign would surely follow. Susan needs to die and Ken and Carrie will probably be murdered. Man a lot of bad stuff happens to the Ross family. Relationship Grade: What’s with all the death references?

Andrew: Christie was well below Jerry’s usual standards, I thought. But I would have been obsessed with the dress thing, too, so I could see that lasting a few extra dates. Relationship Grade: Why do you wear the same dress all the time, hello?!/10

Jordan: What I find funny about the show is Jerry dumps people for foolish reasons all the time, but then he’s desperate for an explanation with someone he probably SHOULD dump. If the lady literally only wears one outfit, there’s a high likelihood she is in a cult. Her plan was probably to convert Jerry, harvest his seed for the coming moon festival, then behead him. Also, she’s kind of ugly in my opinion. Relationship Grade: THE DRESS WAS BLACK AND BLUE/10

Jason: Christie is quite the catch for Jerry, but that wardrobe remains a mystery. Perhaps she’s color blind. Susan’s family is as nuts as she is. George should learn that picking a fight with these wackos won’t get him anywhere. Relationship Grade: Bisquick/10

What Worked:

JT: Jerry dismissing Elaine while flirting with Christie cracked me up, as did George’s line about marrying Susan’s cousin’s daughter; George trashing the names at dinner was great and exact proof why you never share your baby name ideas with people before the baby is born; SODA!; I appreciate Kramer’s taste for real mustard; Jerry mocking Elaine’s neck injury; Kramer wrenching Elaine’s neck gets me every time; Kramer’s healing guru being a guy that sells t-shirts at the World Trade Center and Jerry’s pediatrics line were both great; Kramer demanding the bike for helping Elaine; George melting down in the car after Susan rejects Seven; Jerry mocking Seven and suggesting other names is one of my all time favorite scenes, “Sauce” gets me every time; Kramer telling George to put the soda on his tab; Kramer’s line about eating a horse is another all time favorite of mine; Kramer riding the bike down the street and ignoring Elaine and then Elaine shutting the door on him in the apartment; It was good to get a classic Newman rant as it had been a while; George harassing Ken and Carrie and suggesting other numbers as names and saying he promised “The Widow Mantle” about the name; Newman going full King Solomon; George’s “I’m having sex with the cousin!” is such an awesome line; Hobo Joe; Kramer selling Newman the bike is a good capper

Aaron: Kramer declaring a sandwich to be bush league is perfect. This was an episode where I really didn’t care for the premises but they pulled it off in the way they approached them. Christie is wearing the same clothes all the time? Not so great on its own, but then Jerry turns into Lex Luthor trying to get to the bottom of her wardrobe. Also I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so dressed up for a date. Kramer and Elaine fighting over a bike? Boring. But then Kramer fixes her neck and champions the fact that sleeping on a wooden board for a week should be common sense. Kramer riding a children’s bike down the street as the mob cheers him on is glorious. Then Newman shows up in all his inaudible glory and we have a winner. Finally the fish bowl of IOUs was trite at first but then it had so much wonderful disdain from Jerry as he chastised Kramer for drinking half a soda or eating a third of an apple. Extra points for Newman’s clearly visible duck lamp. Extra, extra points for Elaine telling Thesaurus Jerry to shut the hell up.

Andrew: George is delightfully unpleasant at the dinner with Ken and Carrie, especially when threatening to marry their unborn child. Aside from the Kramer stuff I’ve already mentioned, I enjoyed his vibe reading and amateur chiropractic work. Jerry making fun of George’s “Seven” name by listing things he sees in his kitchen was really good, as was him calling Kramer “Hobo Joe”. Dating a woman who wears the same thing to every date was a really good idea for a storyline.

Jordan: I haven’t even mentioned Kramer yet! What a solid effort from ol’ Cosmo. I loved the grocery tab story, with him buying half a can of soda. SODA COSTANZA, THAT IS. His chiropractor expertise was funny enough, but the fact that he learned it from some random guy makes it even better. Then we get him riding around town on the girls bike and everyone loves him for it – well, almost everyone. Newman as wise King Solomon is awesome. Also, Jerry was pretty solid here in his quest to figure out the deal with Christy. It drove him to madness, but that’s what scoop necks do. Having said all that, the episode peaked with Costanza shoving mass amounts of spaghetti in his mouth.

Jason: Jerry eye-fucking Christie in the antique shop. Jerry’s paper route line to Elaine. George waiving off baby names at dinner; Blanche. Kramer spitting out the sandwich and being under the impression that he can mooch anything from Jerry’s fridge. Jerry’s verbiage on what Elaine did to her neck. Kramer adjusting Elaine. George pitching Seven to Susan and losing his shit. Jerry mocking George’s baby name chose; Mug Costanza. Kramer’s tab bowl; mooching inventory. Kramer telling George to put his soda on the tab. Jerry’s expression when Christie takes off her jacket and reveals the same dress as when they met. The wash cycle rotation bit. Kramer’s Jay Riemenschnider line about eating horse is an all-timer from the K-Man. George having cache up the ying-yang. Kramer riding the bike down the street and through Jerry’s apartment. Elaine slamming the door on him. Kramer telling Elaine that she should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week. Newman playing judge in his bathrobe. Jerry’s warn out gag to Christie. Jerry referring to Christie’s apartment as the Fortress of Solitude. Jerry snooping for the dress stash and getting caught. George losing his shit at the hospital; “Im family. I’m having sex with the cousin.” Jerry’s “Hobo Joe”. Kramer selling the bike to Newman to pay off his mooching tab.

What Didn’t Work

JT: Jerry is kind of creepy the way he way was staring down Christie like a leach in the toy store; Kind of random that Jerry has a box of cupcakes sitting around his apartment; Jerry is super creepy again later about forcing Christie to change her dress and trying to worm his way into sleeping over, it got a bit uncomfortable;

Aaron: The idea that someone would have a laundry cycle is pure insanity. Sure there’s a day in the week you wash clothes but to expect someone to wear the same things in the same order every week is to liken their behavior to that of a serial killer. Is Jerry a serial killer? Also, here’s how George lost the Seven argument: You have to hide your motives from your wives. You can’t tell her you want to name a kid after Mickey Mantle. You have to smooth the name in. I’m a wrestling fan. When my wife, MY WIFE suggested to name our son Austin you know what I did? I shut my damn mouth and let her believe that she was driving the name car. Did she realize she was naming her child after the toughest son of a bitch in the WWF? Probably? Did she appreciate that I was screaming “STONE COLD! STONE COLD!” in a southern accent as he was exiting her? Probably not.

Andrew: The idea that Elaine can’t handle the weight of a bike on her own seemed like a stretch. I also wasn’t crazy about George’s “Don’t get all crazy on me!” take during the fight with Susan.

Jordan: I am going to piggy back off Aaron here – showing full motive gives the other person HAND. George should know that one must maintain hand in the relationship. By revealing the Mickey Mantle aspect, Susan gained full hand. Rookie mistake and I’m honestly surprised George made it, and don’t think it fits his character. I also think it’s stupid that when Elaine woke up and was in pain again, she got mad at Kramer – wasn’t it basically Jerry’s fault she had pain in the first place, since he was busy PLOTTING A RAPE while she had to get the bike down herself?

Jason: Why must Susan blab about everything? This woman and her mouth! Why does Christie still have a picture of her and an ex on the coffee table?

Key Character Debuts

– Christie

Iconic Moments, Running Themes & Memorable Quotes

– “Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.” – Jerry

– “I think your friend needs some help over there.” – Christie “You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be.” – Jerry

– “So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan’s second cousin, right? So what does that make me?” – George “Doesn’t make you anything.” – Carrie “Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.” – George

– “Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.” – George “I don’t know, it sounds a little strange.” – Carrie “All names sound strange the first time you hear ’em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?” – George

– “No, no, I can’t eat that. You can’t eat a sandwich without dijon.” – Kramer “Yeah, you’re right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand.” – Jerry

– “Well, your arterioles have constricted.” – Kramer

– “Ohh yeah. A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body’s natural pressure points. He sells t-shirts outside the World Trade Centre.” – Kramer

– “Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!” – Elaine “What’s even more amazing is his formal training is in pediatrics.” – Jerry

– “Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you’re doing that child quite a service.” – Jerry “Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.” – George “Awright, let’s see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that’s original. Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.” – Jerry “Alright, you having a good time there?” – George “I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.” – Jerry

– “Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city.” – Jerry

– “You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.” – George “Well, if she splits the atom, I’ll let it slide.” – Jerry

– “You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don’t destroy someone else’s.” – Jerry

– “Well, I don’t wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?” – Jerry “Yeah.” – Kramer “That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay…When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you’ve bought the whole fruit. Not a third of an apple, not a half of a banana…” – Jerry

– “No we didn’t. You take these things too literally. It’s like saying, you’re hungry enough to eat a horse.” – Elaine “Well, my friend Jay Reimenschneider eats horse all the time. He gets it from his butcher.” – Kramer

– “Well now it’s not gonna be original! It’s gonna lose all its cachet!” – George “I dunno how much cachet it had to begin with.” – Susan “Oh, it’s got cachet, baby! It’s got cachet up the yin-yang!” – George

– “His chiropractic job was a crock. It’s even worse than it was before.” – Elaine “Boy, I’m surprised. I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person’s spine around.” – Jerry

– “Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week.” – Kramer “What? You never told me that.” – Elaine “Well, it’s common sense.” – Kramer

– “Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. It’s all that separates us from the savages who don’t deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don’t belong!!” – Newman

– “What happened to Soda?! I thought we all agreed on Soda.” – George “Well, we don’t care for Soda.” – Ken “You don’t care for Soda?!” – George “No, no. We don’t like Soda at all!” – Carrie “How d’you not like Soda?! It’s bubbly, it’s refreshing!” – George

– “Please! I have so little!” – George “Sorry sir, it’s family only.” – Orderly “I’m family. I’m having sex with the cousin!” – George

Oddities & Fun Facts

– N/A

Overall Grade (Scale 1-10)

JT: This felt like one of the episodes from the early seasons where the storylines were shaky but the dialogue and character work were so locked in that it still ended up as an entertaining episode. I thought the delivery and lines were so good here that it completely carried what could have been a real bottom of the barrel episode. I laughed out loud multiple times at the stuff they all were saying and this episode is littered with lines I still use to this day, from Jay Reimenschneider and his horse meals to George yelling about having sex with “the cousin” there were a lot of laughs sprinkled throughout what were some soft story arcs. Mug. Mug Costanza. Final Grade: 6/10

Aaron: This one clicked all the boxes for me. I found myself laughing out loud at every turn. The writing was tight despite the preposterous situations and I was finally satisfied with a George performance. It’s a great example of Seinfeld making the mundane hilarious and a sitcom thriving in spite of its premise. Also I would gladly name my daughter Gore Greenhouse. Final Grade: 9/10

Andrew: This is an episode that fared better in my memory. Maybe it’s the “Seven” name itself, or the dress, or (most likely) Jay Riemenschneider, but I was expecting to enjoy this one more than I did. I think the biggest problem is that I wanted a better payoff for all the storylines, and the dress one in particular. Great dialogue, so-so writing, I guess. Final Grade: 7/10

Jordan: On one hand, I think the dress storyline  is very “meh”…but man, Costanza eating that spaghetti is something. If the whole episode was about how George eats spaghetti like a starving hog at feeding time, I would give this my highest rating of 27 out of 10. Other than that incredible moment, the rest is pretty good Seinfeld fare, but not hall of fame worthy. Final Grade: 7/10

Jason: This episode never really seemed to get a good flow going and was missing A LOT! There were some good one-liners from Jerry and George, but as a whole this could be at the very bottom during this season. A nice effort, but one that I’m not a big fan of. Final Grade: 4/10