Monday Night Raw
December 9, 2013
“The Slammy Awards”
We get a big fancy opening for the Slammys and all the guys/gals that will be on tonight. We head inside Key Arena and the crowd is pumped up as Michael Cole welcomes us. Cole and JBL are in tuxedos, nice touch. The WWE Universe will vote on all the categories, and what would an episode of Raw be without Cole telling us how to download it. It’s embarrassing. However we don’t open with an award but with a match from the hometown hero.
MATCH: Daniel Bryan vs. Fandango
We have two guys who have songs that the crowd can dance to, and both songs force you to point up in the air. With Bryan from nearby Aberdeen, we know who the top babyface in the building will be this evening. Fandango has a swank satin flamenco shirt on tonight. Summer Rae is smoking tonight. I wonder if Vince will be in the building tonight. He tweeted earlier this is his favorite night of the year. This is Fandango’s best match in weeks and we’re just at the commercial break. Unstoppable action and the crowd sounds like its going to be a hot one tonight. Maybe having their guy opening the show was smart and hopefully the energy level stays that way all night. Fandango misses the top rope leg drop and Bryan hits the flying head butt, then hits the running knee for the three count. That was a great opener. WINNER: Daniel Bryan
We are of course interrupted by the frenetic video and on the screen is Bray Wyatt, who says Bryan’s unwillingness to comply with his request is testing his patience. He says the family will hurt Bryan at TLC but he will also prove that Bryan is a monster too. Bryan gets the crowd to chant NO NO NO!
Out comes our co-hosts for tonight’s Slammy festivities, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. Both come out to King’s music, which is fitting since they’ve both been kings. Our first award is the LOL Award, and we’re joined by the Bad Ass and the D-OOOOOO-Double G. The New Age Outlaws come out dressed as Dumb and Dumber, as the crowd is chanting ONE MORE MATCH. They make fun of each other. The LOL Moment of the year nominees:
-Vickie Guerrero (after getting fired)
-Titus O’Neil (for puking in JBL’s hat)
-The Cobra (as a finisher, I guess)
-The Rock (for serenading Vickie)
The fans vote on the App, so we’ll get back to it.
MATCH: Santino Marella vs. Damien Sandow
So after the commercial, the results are in and the Rock Concert of Vickie wins. Of course she comes out because Rock is filming one of his 50 movies. She comes out to take the Slammy. Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston joins the guys at the table. This is of course trying to get his promo skills down. He’s clearly nervous. The match isn’t bad, as Sandow wins with You’re Welcome to strengthen his chances Sunday. WINNER: Damien Sandow
Langston gets in the ring, head butts Sandow and holds the belt over his head.
Back to the podium and out comes The Shield in black tuxedos to present the “Double Cross Award”. Ambrose goes “I know I know…I look great.” They won two awards at the Slammy pre-show. The nominees:
-Mark Henry (When he “retired” and then dropped John Cena)
-Shawn Michaels (for superkicking Daniel Bryan at Hell in the Cell)
-Paul Heyman (For turning on CM Punk at Money in the Bank)
-Triple H (for Pedigreeing Daniel Bryan at Summerslam)
Back from break and the winner is Shawn Michaels.
MATCH: Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
Does anyone else notice the Slammy graphic says “2012”? Dumbasses. HBK comes out and admits over 25 years he’s double crossed so many and now he finally wins for it. Some guy is chanting “Sell Out” and HBK called him a pinhead. The guy still owns an audience. Speaking of double crosses, here is an example of a FAILED one. They should have reversed this and had Kofi turn heel. Change of pace. Miz wins with a handful of tights. WINNER: The Miz
Kofi gives him Trouble in Paradise. I’m telling you he should turn heel.
Time for our next award, and out comes the returning Eve Torres to present “Divas of the Year.” Wow Eve looks very conservative tonight. Your nominees:
-The Bellas (Both of them, what a rip)
-The Funkadactyls (What’s with all these teams)
-Eva Marie (Are you fucking serious??)
Back from break and the winner is The Bella Twins???? How are there votes during the break, but the cards are ALREADY PRINTED? WHO RIGGED THIS BEN MORSE, HUH? The Bellas are the stupidest most annoying human beings on the planet. Can’t wait till Cena dumps Nikki so at least one of them gets fired.
8-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Rey Mysterio, Big Show & Rhodes Brothers vs. Real Americans, Ryback & Curtis Axel
How is JBL not upset at this? He’s like “Well the show on E! is popular, hahaha.” Way to puss-bag your way out of that one Mr. Modern Age Jesse Ventura. This show has been fun so far, and I’m not going to let that rigged Divas crap ruin it. Many feel Goldust is one of the shining stars of this roster and that is exactly correct. He busts his ass and clearly books his and Cody’s matches. Fun match, as Rey wins it with the 619. WINNER: The babyfaces
Wow, we get a double tutorial on downloading the WWE App! I’ll allow it tonight because the show has been good.
King and Booker are at the podium, and our next category is “Superstar of the Year”. Our presenter is Shawn Michaels and HBK comes back out. Shawn says the award should be called the HB-shizzle. Here are the nominees:
-Brock Lesnar (For the 6 times he’s been on camera)
-Big Show (Really?)
-John Cena (They should have kept him off to give Bryan a legit chance)
We get a memorial screen for Nelson Mandela.
Shawn Michaels then announces the winner of Superstar of the Year. It’s Daniel Bryan. The place goes bonkers. Good for the WWE Universe not fucking that up and good that WWE didn’t rig it. We get an awkward moment when HBK gives the Slammy to his protégé. He puts Shawn over, then says if it weren’t for Shawn he’d be WWE Champion. He yells “Go Seahawks!”
MATCH: Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio
We get a rematch from last week when Sin Cara pulled off the upset. This mini-feud has been good to get Sin Cara back in the company’s good graces and good for the fans to see him on camera again. Sin Cara wins again with a Swanton. WINNER: Sin Cara
Back to the podium for our next Slammy award “Fan Participation Award”. Out comes the Primetime Players in their tuxedos. This award was made up for one reason, and it’s pretty clear.
-Yes! Yes! Yes!
-Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks
-R-Truth’s “What’s Up”
Ok, on the Slammy pre-show the Izod crowd the night after Mania won an award, I thought they’d be nominated as a group here too. The winner is the YES YES YES chants. That’s not an accident either. Maybe the bookers backstage are SEEING THIS. THE WWE UNIVERSE LIKES DANIEL BRYAN. PUSH HIM PLEASE. He comes out and starts the chant. The place goes crazy. And no it’s not just because they’re in Seattle. That’s a horseshit cop-out.
MATCH: Brodus Clay vs. Xavier Woods
Another rematch from last week. Brodus wins in a squash. That came out of nowhere. WINNER: Brodus Clay
Brodus confirms his heel turn by attacking Woods after the match with a double splash and elbow drop.
Back to the podium for “Insult of the Year” and the Miz is our presenter. Everyone’s tuxes look a bit off tonight. Everybody’s bow ties are crooked. Our nominees:
-AJ Lee (for owning those “plastic dolls” from that silly show)
-Zeb Colter (for his usual promos ripping cities)
-Paul Heyman (for ripping CM Punk)
-Stephanie McMahon (for those hideous promos against Big Show)
Speaking of the Best in the World, IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME. Out comes Punk to the second loudest pop tonight. When we return from break and Stephanie wins, which of course means we have our first rigged win of the night. AJ gets screwed again. Do we really think the fans voted for Stephanie? Really?
MATCH: CM Punk vs. Dean Ambrose
I predict this could be the main event at WrestleMania 31 in Santa Clara. We have a great match from the get go as the Shield creates instant psychology. Ambrose is out and Rollins/Reigns are stalking. We may actually have two consecutive solid Raws after that piece of crap two weeks ago. We get the obligatory THIS IS AWESOME chants because, well it is. We get some hints of Shield dissension as Ambrose mouths off to both guys. Then Rollins and Reigns start to leave. Punk hits GTS for the win. WINNER: CM Punk
Reigns returns after Rollins distraction and spears Punk, further injuring the ribs.
We have an incredible vignette of former WWE and World Champions. Gives me chills. Oh allow me this moment: Ric Flair…former WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION.
King and Booker talk about the “Most Extreme Moment”. That brings out Mick Foley to a nice pop. Foley looks more like Zeb Colter than Zeb Colter. The nominees:
-The Shield’s beatdown on the Undertaker
-Ryback spears Cena through the LED lights on the stage
-CM Punk climbs Hell in a Cell and beats down Paul Heyman
-The Wyatt Family attacking Kane
We return from break and CM Punk wins the award for beating Heyman down at HIAC.
MATCH: The Usos vs. Wyatt Family
Standard TV match as the Usos are getting throttled by Rowan & Harper as they prepare for our Aberdeen hero on Sunday. The Usos get the obligatory “almost win” after a top rope splash, but Rowan crushes one of the Usos with a clothesline for the win. WINNERS: Wyatt Family
King & Booker are back at the podium, and it’s time for “Match of the Year”. Our presenter is none other than Bret “Hit Man” Hart. He looks great in a tux with his hair slick back. The nominees:
-Undertaker vs. CM Punk, WrestleMania
-Rhodes Brothers vs. Shield, Battleground
-Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, Extreme Rules
-Rock vs. John Cena, WrestleMania
The best match this year (after Punk/Taker) was Cena/Punk from that Raw in February. We return from break and the winner is Rock/Cena. Big Shock. Great match, but not the year’s best. Cena comes out to accept. At least we won’t see a rubber match.
MATCH: Natalya vs. Tamina Snuka
Poor AJ, two Slammys that were absolute gimmes for her and she got screwed out of both. Natalya wins with the Sharpshooter. WINNER: Natalya
She loses Sunday.
ON YOUR KNEES DOG. Out comes our esteemed COO (no snickering) with his wife. Oh, Dolph Zigger vs. Fandango is the TLC pre-show. Poor Dolph. Not even on this show tonight until this segment. In the ring is 20 former WWE and/or World Champions. Stephanie kissing her husband’s ass is so awesome. Triple H puts over all the champions while a loud DANIEL BRYAN chant starts. Triple H is trying to give this speech but the chants are deafening. MAKE HIM WWE CHAMPION IN NEW ORLEANS. It’s as simple as that. Hunter tries to play it off with some bad jokes but really it can’t be ignored. Out comes Randy Orton, followed by John Cena. Triple H takes both belts and hangs them above the ring as the DANIEL BRYAN chants start again. Orton tells Cena he used to have Ruthless Aggression but no longer. He says he was never lazy, because when he’s that good he can be complacent. Orton says Cena doesn’t care about being the face of the WWE but Orton knows that’s not true. He cares about losing the biggest match in history. The YES YES YES chants are bothering Orton. He points out that he took years off of both Mick Foley and Shawn Michaels. He tells Bret Hart there would never have been a screwjob because he would have left Bret out cold in the ring in Montreal. That was a pretty good line. Cena says he heard the word work. Cena brings Daniel Bryan next to him and he pretty much puts him over and the crowd goes bonkers. Cena once again buries Orton as a spoiled rich kid who was protected by Triple H and never earned anything. He continues to put over guys that weren’t given title shots if it weren’t for Cena, like Punk and Daniel Bryan. He wishes Orton good luck and hopes that next Monday on Raw we don’t get any more excuses. Cena extends his hand to Orton, which Orton takes. They shake hands and the belts are raised over the ring. Then…the fun begins.
Orton cheap shots Cena and a brawl breaks out. Cena and Orton are held back. Punk tries to reason with Orton and gets smacked. Punk throws some forearm shots to Orton, then Triple H grabs Punk by the hair and throws him down. Punk snaps and starts beating on Triple H. That leads to Michaels superkicking Punk. Daniel Bryan responds by drilling HBK with the running knee. Orton tries to RKO Bryan but Bryan pushes him off and Orton runs into Stephanie, knocking her down. Triple H pedigrees Orton for doing that. He’s out, and Steph, Kane, Triple H and Cena stand over Orton as we go off the air.
SCOTT’S TAKE: After that mess of a Raw two weeks ago, the last two weeks have been really great. I’ve loved Cena’s promo work during this build. None of that cliché crap and legitimate heat. Sunday is a real crap shoot, and I have no idea who wins this TLC match. Oh, and Daniel Bryan is OVER. He will walk out of the Superdome on April 6 with the Championship. Mark my words. Anyway, this was a real fun Raw and if it’s on your DVR, watch it again.
You know who else watched it? The purveyor of thehistoryofwwe.com, Graham Cawthon. Follow Graham @TheHistoryofWWE. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!
Bryan’s spot is so safe, even before tonight. But the guy wins Superstar of the Year and is so over that it interrupts the final segment.