Welcome to The Other Five Count, a non-wrestling version of Ben Morse’s monthly masterpiece. Each month, the staff will come together to count down their favorite movie, TV, music and sports topics, so sit back and enjoy the ride.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, we have gathered together to count down Romantic Comedies. There was zero criteria to this one, so each staff member interpreted the task in a different way. Some counted down their favorites, others looked at the most absurd and one even did a case study on one particular actress that was a veteran of the genre. So, grab a box of tissues and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s as the PTBN staff takes a trip through the wonderful (and woeful) world of Rom-Coms!
Justin Rozzero
Instead of looking and my favorite or most inane Romantic Comedies, I decided to judge this list off my most important criteria when it comes to RomComs: TV rewatchability. I rarely see these movies in the theater or decide to purchase them at Target, but if they come on Cinemax or USA or FXX, I am more than likely to set the remote down and enjoy the mindless, nonsensical ride that awaits. So that said, here is my list of the Romantic Comedies I am most likely to park in my recliner and watch to the conclusion at any given time of the day. Also, if you go by the pure definition of Romantic Comedy, it includes a wide swath of films, many of which I am going to avoid for the purposes of this exercise. Obviously, I am watching Wedding Crashers any time it comes on, but that is not the true essence of Romantic Comedy. For this effort, the focus needs to be more on the romance than the comedy. Now, let’s roll.
Honorable Mention – He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
I have seen this way too many times to count at this point, and I really don’t have a valid reason. ScarJo perhaps? I will go with that. I do like the twist that spins around Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck where their characters do total 180s throughout. Plus I like Justin Long a lot.
5. Bride Wars (2009)
OK, right out of the gate we run into our first really bad movie, but again I always end up watching this trainwreck until the end when it shows up on my guide. Chris Pratt is there, so there is something redeeming in this mess. Anne Hathaway was at her peak powers as well, so there is that. The rest is a downward spiral of pranks gone wrong as these two besties book the same dream venue and dates (the only available opening, natch) for their weddings and then turn on each other and do whatever they can to screw up the others big day. By the end, Hathaway realizes she and her beau were not a good fit and instead ends up with Kate Hudson’s brother. Keep it all in the family! There is nothing that would really make you laugh out loud here, unless you enjoy blue hair or really bad orange tans. The lone highlight is probably Hathaway’s sexy dance at the strip club, so it would seem they missed the mark on the Com part when writing this one. Sadly, I am suckered in every time, hoping something else really funny may go down, but I am always left jilted at the altar.
4. Sex and the City (2008)
Alright, now we are turning up the heat. When my wife and I were stuck living in the hot mess that is Stamford, CT, we spent many a night plowing through all of the seasons of SITC. She really liked the show, and thanks to some steamy scenes, nudity and occasional chuckle, it was easy enough for me to join along on the ride. So, in 2008 when the Core Four hit the silver screen, we were there to see how the story would finally wrap up. For fans of the show, I thought they did a nice job of bringing closure to all of the characters and struggles experienced throughout the series and tossed in some laughs along the way. Again, I would never go to bat and say this was a good movie, but I think it satiated fan appetite to see things tied together in a nice, neat bow. Plus, who doesn’t cheer when Charlotte finally tells off Big in the restaurant just as her water breaks? Epic feel good moment.
3. 50 First Dates (2004)
When assembling my list, this is the one that made me hesitate the most because it comes the closest to passing over the “mainly comedy” line, but I think there is enough romance pushed throughout to keep it safely nestled in the bosom of this list. We knew Adam Sandler & Drew Barrymore had tremendous chemistry from their turn in The Wedding Singer (superior movie, more comedy than romance) and that continues to pop here. This is a really original concept and that makes it stand out from other movies of its ilk. It was fun watching Sandler go through as many schemes as he could to get Barrymore to first notice him, and eventually get her to remember him. We also get Rudy himself playing the roided up hothead brother of Barrymore. Big ups to him for really diving into the role and being entertaining whenever he popped up in his nuthugging jorts. The end of the movie is both super happy and super sad at the same time and the threading of the Beach Boys’ “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” was a perfect choice as that song is equally just as happy and sad at the same time. 50 First Dates ended up being an apropos title, because this is a movie that you could easily spend 50 dates watching and usually enjoy the time spent doing so.
2. Going the Distance (2010)
As we reach the top of this list, we bring back two stars from earlier as Justin Long and Drew Barrymore reunite for this tale of a long distance relationship between two people that are quickly reaching an age when that sort of thing seems like an inevitable waste of time due to the low success rates (Full Disclosure: I have no fucking clue if that is true, but it seems it). Long and Barrymore are surrounded by a great cast, including Jason Sudeikis, Charlie Day, Christina Applegate and Jim Gaffigan, and they all get to pitch in as these two lovestruck young professionals try to make this work. There are a good number of laughs and sharp one liners woven throughout the 103 minutes of blue balls and start and stops the main characters experience. As great as Long and Barrymore are, Sudeikis and Day really steal the show here as they dominate any scene they are in. I would argue this was Sudeikis’ breakout movie role that launched him to being an actor that could carry a comedy vehicle. Plus, Day’s Hitler mustache makes this a worthy watch all on it’s own. This movie all shows the great disparity from #5 to #2 on this list, as I actually enjoy watching this one when I settle in and drop the remote.
1. It’s Complicated (2009)
Man, 2009 was really a hotbed of RomComs. Here is my Holy Grail of the genre, a movie I have seen an absurd amount of times due to its extended run on HBO, USA and eventually my DVR. This flick features a top notch cast, headlined by Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin (cashing in on his brilliant rebirth as Jack Donaghy), a tremendous setting (Santa Barbara, CA), a fun soundtrack and a whole lot of absurdity in what amounts to a mid-life crisis sex romp through a fantasy world that us mere plebeians could only dream about participating in. It runs about two hours and I could probably recite it scene by scene at this point. I have no clue what draws me to it, but the idea of turning it off when it is on is never an option in my world. Maybe there is a sentimental lure because it got me through a really bad stomach bug a few years ago when HBO was beating it into the ground and I didn’t have the energy to lift my arm and change the channel? From there it turned into a running joke with my wife and Jen Engle and the developed to an actual affinity for the film. I also really like Alec Baldwin and he is all over the place here. I also need to mention the really annoying kids that are so over-the-top absurd, whether happy or sad, that you both want to embrace and punch them all at the same time. Plus, John Krasinski is here and he even gets some Jim Halpert looks and under-his-breath one liners in as he makes the most of his limited screen time. I fully understand the implications of posting this for the world to see, but it is time for me to go public. I like It’s Complicated. I have seen it many times, and will continue to do it for all of eternity with zero apologies provided. Jane Adler 4 Life!
Jen Engle
Unfortunately, most romantic comedies tend to be really, really bad. As a girl, I’m contractually obligated to love them, but I just can’t love any of these. I don’t think these need much of an introduction, here are what I consider the worst offenders:
5. The Wedding Date (2005)
Debra Messing was great on Will and Grace, but watching her as Kat was just too painful. There was no chemistry between her and Dermot Mulroney at all, and this was one of the worst movies ever adapted from a book that was actually pretty good. Amy Adams plays Kat’s sister, Amy, and I have to say it was one of my least favorite Amy Adams’ performances ever. If you’d like to see it for yourself, I am pretty sure it’s playing nonstop on cable right now.
4. The Ugly Truth (2009)
Remember when Katherine Heigl left a great gig on Grey’s Anatomy to become a movie star? And when she stared in the Ugly Truth? Good career move, right? I am not afraid to admit that I have enjoyed a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy or two (Knocked Up, 27 Dresses) but this is by far one of her worst. She always plays very uptight characters and this was no different. It was so painful to watch her throw herself at her neighbor, I can’t believe I made it through the rest of the movie! Even though this movie was terrible, I can’t hold it against Gerard Butler for some reason. Must be the Scottish accent.
3. Employee of the Month (2006) & Good Luck Chuck (2007)
I don’t think it was ever a good idea for Dane Cook to get into acting. Especially in romantic comedies. Based on his comedy act, why did anyone ever think he would make a good romantic leading man? Sure, he is good looking for a comedian. But I didn’t believe he really wanted to break that curse in Good Luck Chuck, or win Jessica Simpson’s heart in Employee of the Month.
2. Valentine’s Day (2010) & New Year’s Eve (2011)
Ugh. Every time I hear these movies mentioned, I groan. I just can’t stand them. They have great ensemble casts, I’ll give them that…but they didn’t know what to do with them! I went to see Valentine’s Day at the movie theater and to this day, I wish I had my money back. Taylor Swift was incredibly annoying and it seemed like the producers were attempting to recreate the greatness of Love Actually but they failed miserably. There’s really not much more I can say other than it would probably be a good idea to never put Taylor Swift in a movie with her current boyfriend ever again, she’ll most likely be done with him (and writing a song about him) well before the first trailer is made.
1. He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
The worst offender of ensemble cast films! First of all, this movie was adapted from a non-fiction book written to help women realize when to move on from a guy that is…just not that into you. Ginnifer Goodwin is a great actress, but her character Gigi really gave all women a bad name. She was such a stereotypical desperate girl, I couldn’t handle it. Maybe that is what the director was aiming for? The waiting by the phone, the showing up to a bar thinking Kevin Connelly might be there…I just couldn’t take it. I’m pretty sure I actually yelled at her character multiple times while I watched the movie. “He doesn’t like you! Move on! Find a better man, Justin Long is cute!” It could have been any variation of those things, but that is advice I’d give my own friends. I don’t know whose idea it was to turn it into a romantic comedy, but I can’t believe it actually got such a good cast behind it.
Jen Engle
Now that you know what I consider the worst romantic comedies, it’s time for you to hear what I think are the best. Although most of the comedies I like tend to star Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn and/or Owen Wilson, when I love a romantic comedy, I really love it. The movies listed below are my favorites, the ones I can watch and will watch whenever they are on, even if there are only five minutes left or it’s a really bad version on TBS and all the swear words are bleeped out.
5. Love Actually (2003)
I’ve told you all about my love of Love Actually before, in our Christmas movie Five Count. My love for it extends to its romantic comedy status as well. A great cast that shows love, actually how it is! The characters all seemed like real people, going through what we all go through for love. The crushes, the heartbreak, it’s all there. And by the end we all cheer when Sam runs through the airport towards his crush Joanna. We cringe whenever Hugh Grant says something stupid to Natalie and we all definitely feel for Mark when he shows up at Juliet’s door and tells her how he feels with cue cards. It’s a great, likeable cast and it’s a movie that makes you want to be with the ones you love.
4. Sweet Home Alabama (2002)
I can’t help it, this movie just gets me every time. Reese Witherspoon and Josh Lucas have great chemistry in this movie and although I’m really not sure if that is what happens to sand when lightning strikes it, it’s a cute story and that’s really what we all want in a romantic comedy, isn’t it? Sure, she totally left her home and became a famous fashion designer in the span of a couple years…okay maybe not. But I buy it when I watch this movie, because I love Reese and Josh Lucas together so much.
3. Pretty Woman (1990)
There are so many things wrong with this movie, Julia Roberts is a prostitute, George from Seinfeld beats her up and I still haven’t figured out what “it corners like it’s on rails” means, but I will always love Pretty Woman. There are so many great scenes, but forgetting about the prostitution aspect of it, who wouldn’t want to be whisked away to the opera in a fancy red dress by Richard Gere? You know you would, don’t deny it. And when she goes shopping on Rodeo Drive and walks into that shop “Big Mistake. Huge” we all cheered for her and secretly wished we were on a shopping spree in Beverly Hills!
2. 50 First Dates (2004)
I can’t believe an Adam Sandler movie is number 2 on my list, but I just love this movie. What he goes through to win over Drew Barrymore is actually very sweet. Romantic comedies are pretty out there, but I think we can all agree it would be nice to have someone that would do anything to be with you, including spending their life making you fall in love with them every single day. It’s a cute concept, and there is some of Sandler’s signature comedy thrown in there to keep us all laughing. And Dan Aykroyd plays a doctor! What more could you ask for?
1. (500) Days of Summer (2009)
Not only is this my top romantic comedy, this is also one of my all-time favorite movies. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (swoon) and Zooey Deschanel (girl crush!) together in one film? Where do I sign up? I think this movie is pretty much the Emo girl’s dream. I love JGL and I am 99 % sure I subconsciously got bangs because of Zooey Deschanel (mine will never look that good). I love everything about this movie, from the realness of their relationship, the dark comedy and the music. The music! There’s a flash mob type scene to Hall & Oates “You Make My Dreams Come True!” What’s not to like about Hall & Oates? That song is now my “good day” theme song. I’m going to listen to it now and dance around my living room. If you haven’t seen this movie, what are you waiting for?
Andrew Flanagan
5. Serendipity (2001)
I claim that I hated this movie because Kate Beckinsdale’s character asking “fate” to approve all her relationship decisions is aggravating. The friends I saw the movie with claim that I hated it because I drank two pitchers of beer beforehand. Can’t we both be right? Fun Fact: this movie features a pre-Entourage Jeremy Piven, still in John Cusack sidekick mode.
4. The Proposal (2009)
Oh, rich, beautiful women who can’t get a man; America’s heart goes out to you. I feel like the recurring theme of “women who are too focused on their career to have successful relationships” is insulting and sexist, but this movie made tons of money, so what the hell do I know.
3. What’s Your Number (2011)
Basing life decisions on an arbitrary number you pulled out of a Marie Claire article should qualify for any “most ridiculous” list. I do like the climactic lesson, when Anna Faris learns about not being ashamed of your past, and being true to yourself rather than conforming to someone else’s standards for behavior. It’s just too bad they spend so much of the movie undermining that message.
2. Chasing Amy (1997)
I thought I should include at least one movie I actually like. I would argue that the most ridiculous thing about this movie is how seriously Kevin Smith takes himself (at this point in his career, at least).
1. The Family Stone (2005)
There are a lot of reason I didn’t like this movie. The dinner scene, in which the titular Family Stone treats Sarah Jessica Parker like a war criminal for the unforgiveable crime of being awkward and kind of dopey, for example, infuriates me. But I reserve the real hate for the most ridiculous of all romantic comedy plot devices: siblings swapping sexual partners. I cannot conceive of a world where a man can (essentially) dump his fiancé for her sister, mere days after meeting her, and have everyone be cool with it. Throw in the fiancé ending up with his brother, and all four getting together for family holidays, and we are well past my creepiness threshold. My apologies to anyone who has actually done this in real life, but your relationship skeeves me out.
Chrissy Ryan
Ah, romantic comedies, so many gems to choose from. While pondering which of these delightfully tacky movies I wanted to include in my top five, one name came to mind: Jennifer Lopez, the queen or should I say “la reina” of tacky romantic comedies. I’m convinced all of JLo’s rom coms have the same plot but alas, I will count down my favorites from best to worst. So without further adieu…
5. Monster-in-Law (2005)
In this flick, JLo falls in love with a gorgeous clean cut guy (Michael Vartan) but his mother (Jane Fonda) doesn’t approve of their pairing, thinking JLo isn’t good enough for her son and their rich uppity family. So she does what any reasonable mother in law would do…everything possible to sabotage her daughter-in-law to be. The best part of this movie is Wanda Sykes, who always seems to be there with a fiery remark. In the end, JLo woos Jane Fonda into loving her and they all live happily ever after.
4. The Wedding Planner (2001)
When it comes to romantic comedies, this movie has one of the most twisted storylines. JLo is hired to plan a wedding for Matthew McConaughey and his fiancée. As the movie rolls on, JLo falls in love with Matthew and ends up getting him to leave his fiancée and run off with her. Hmm, JLo in love with another clean cut gorgeous white guy and a family that disapproves, that doesn’t sound familiar at all! The highlight of this film was when JLo gets stuck to a replica of the statue of David and ends up with his concrete penis in her hand, which is romantic comedy at its best.
3. Maid in Manhattan (2002)
JLo stars as a hotel maid in NYC in this rom com. While cleaning one of the rooms, she decides to dress up in some rich lady’s clothes. Then in the hotel elevator, she runs into a clean cut gorgeous guy (are we sensing a theme yet?) who she convinces that she’s rich like him. Of course he ends up finding out it was all a scam, but JLo being her charismatic self, makes him fall in love with her anyway and they all live happily ever after.
2. The Back-up Plan (2010)
I could try and give you a clever description of this movie but nothing is gonna top its IMDB summary:
“A romantic comedy centered on a woman who conceives twins through artificial insemination, only to meet the man of her dreams on the very same day.”
How did this movie not win an Oscar?
1. Gigli (2003)
I actually never watched this movie in its entirety because it’s just that bad. When it came out it was the butt of many jokes for at least a year. Definitely not JLo’s best work. What is her best work, you ask? Selena. I could watch that movie on repeat for days, and I’d cry every single time. “Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you, and I still can’t believe, that you came up to me and said I love you…” I love you too, JLo, I love you too.
Megan Morse
Hello, my name is Megan Morse, I am a magical labor and delivery nurse who brings new people into the world every day. I also have a soft spot for predictable romantic comedies and lame chick flicks. My husband, Ben, asked me if I wanted to participate in this list and I was forced—no, wait—excited to do so! These are simply my favorite romantic comedies; some might think they’re not the best of all-time, but they are wrong! Enjoy!
Honorable Mention: Pitch Perfect (2012)
This is currently my favorite movie and I know many words to it, possibly all of them. My husband won’t let me include it because he says it’s not really a rom com. The two a cappella groups are not allowed to date, but there’s an attraction and he tries to kiss her and she says no because she doesn’t like to get close. She finally realizes she likes him and he says no. The whole movie, he wants her to watch “The Breakfast Club,” she finally does and loves it and includes it in her final routine; he realizes it’s for him and he does the Judd Nelson fist. They win and she runs over and they kiss!
5. Definitely, Maybe (2008)
Definitely cute! The format of this movie where Ryan Reynolds is telling his daughter, Abigail Breslin, the story about meeting her mom but won’t say which woman is her which is great because even as an audience member you’re still guessing. The true love story is between the dad and the daughter, even though he tells her terribly inappropriate stories, but it’s Ryan Reynolds and he’s hot. I like that the daughter picks who her dad should be with and shows she’s very mature by not picking her own mother. Isla Fisher was really good. I love that he found a copy of “Jane Eyre” she was looking for her and didn’t give it to her even though she was pissed because that’s all he had left of her. Very good cast and you get emotionally invested.
4. The Cutting Edge (1992)
This is very timely! First of all, there are like 75 direct-to-video or made-for-TV sequels to this movie. Anyway, Kate is a figure skater who is good but needs a partner for pairs and she’s hard to work with; Doug is a hockey player who gets injured and forced into retirement, but he wants to still skate and win gold so they end up together. She is a total diva and keeps taunting him about how he can’t figure skate by saying “toe pick!” and it’s funny. At the Olympics, they realize they’re falling in love, but he gets uncomfortable and hooks up with another girl; she gets drunk and they blow the second event. Their big move takes a lot of trust but she’s not worried because she loves him. They never actually announce that they won the gold, but you assume, and they end on a look and pose and you’re like “Yes! Everything I wanted for them has come true!” even though she’s kind of annoying the whole time.
3. Runaway Bride (1999)
I think this is a pretty untraditional pick because most people thought it was lame, but I thought it was adorable and better than “Pretty Woman” where Julia Roberts plays a hooker. Richard Gere is a reporter doing a story about Julia Roberts’ character, who has been engaged three times and left all her fiancés at the altar; she gets him fired claiming factual errors and he attempts to prove her wrong to get his job back. They have chemistry because they call each other on their bullshit. Even though they’ve known each other for just a week, they decide to get married, which is ridiculous, but I love it. She freaks out again because there are all these cameras at the wedding so she books it, but after time passes she visits him where he lives—which is an amazing apartment despite him being a writer living in New York—and she tells him all the things she doesn’t want, like a big wedding, and hands him her running shoes. They dance and then get married alone on a hill and ride off on horses.
2. When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Harry and Sally have chemistry, but I love their banter more. A lot of the movie is about whether or not men and women can even be friends, which she thinks they can and he does not. They do a time lapse so every so often it jumps five years and you get a new phase in the story. After one jump, they’re both in relationships and he now wants to be friends but they decide not to be; after another, they do end up friends and sing karaoke. They eventually realize they’re into each other but have sex only because she’s upset about something and then they fight. At a New Year’s Eve party they finally get together for real. I like this movie because it’s really what it’s like when friends become more. They interview couples who have been together and at the end the last couple is them! Also she fakes an orgasm in a deli and it’s hilarious.
1. You’ve Got Mail (1998)
I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure this was the first time a movie or anything else prominently featured an online relationship. This was before eHarmony, Match.com and all that jazz. Because they fall in love with each other via the Internet you know they love each other’s personalities and it’s not just physical. In real life they know and hate each other, but then become friends after she gets sick and he brings her daisies, her favorite flower. He realizes she’s the person he’s been falling in love with before she does, but the audience knows before either of them. It’s great once he knows and starts making fun of the “other guy” because he wants to win her over by being himself. He asks if they can ever be together and she says “maybe another time,” then when he walks around the corner with the dog she cries and says “I wanted it to be you!” and they kiss and it ends and it’s so cute!
Jordan Duncan
I’ve got no problem with a really good romantic comedy. Romantic comedies, when done well, are the perfect date movie. Funny, romantic, good story, chemistry with the lead roles. There are plenty that I like.
Here’s the problem with the genre: Much like an episode of TNA Impact, for every good one, there’s ten bad ones. How do I know this? My wife and I have a deal. When we watch a movie, we take turns picking. I’ll pick “Man of Steel”, she’ll pick “Pretty Woman”. And so on. Unfortunately for me, she ALWAYS picks romantic comedies. And while I don’t hate all of them, these ones are notably ridiculous and have made me question the sanity of anyone who enjoys them, whoever wrote them and the actors who starred in them
5. All About Steve (2009)
This probably won’t make any other lists, simply because it wasn’t that big of a movie, but man was it a giant turd. Sandra Bullock stars as, well, a total weirdo who goes on a blind date with a guy named, you guessed it, Steve (played by Bradley Cooper). Of course, she then becomes obsessed with him. Since her job is a crossword puzzle maker, she winds up making a puzzle about him. I don’t know if it’s done to win his love or if it’s some sort of terrifying death threat. Since Steve is a cameraman for a news channel, she follows him around from town to town trying to win his love, or maybe get a lock of his hair, or murder him while he sleeps. I don’t really know. Do you know why this is on my list of most ridiculous romantic comedies? Because a freak stalking you is not romantic, and it’s not really comedic either. A lot of rom-coms at least get ONE of the two words in their genre correct, this one fails spectacularly at both. One fun fact about this movie: Sandra Bullock won a Razzie Award for worst actress in it, the same year in which she won the Oscar for Best Actress in “The Blind Side”.
4. Maid in Manhattan (2002)
Jennifer Lopez is a huge success. Always reinventing herself, she now enjoys the role of American Idol judge. She really is an entrepreneur, and I can’t fault her for that. But has she ever been in a good movie? Luckily, I haven’t seen her entire library, but I’ve seen enough to know that I am not a fan. This one is especially bad though. Here’s the premise: J-Lo is a beautiful, gorgeous maid (in Manhattan, I guess). Ralph Fiennes (who was so forgettable as the male lead, I had to IMDB it) is a rich politician, I think he’s running for Congress or something. So what happens? He sees Lopez wearing really nice clothes and falls for her. They have a wonderful romance, and then he finds out she’s a maid, therefore POOR. So they break up. HOW ROMANTIC. AND HILARIOUS! Then they fall in love again, because Ralph is SUCH A GOOD DUDE he can overlook that she’s just a dirty peasant, because that’s not all she is. She’s also really hot, therefore worthy of his love.
3. The Ugly Truth (2009)
Sometimes things happen with friendships that cause all trust in the relationship to be lost. This happened to me after a friend insisted we watch this movie because it was hilarious. I don’t know what I did to that friend or why he hated me so much, but he definitely taught me a lesson. It probably doesn’t help that Katherine Heigl just really unlikable even OFF screen, so I went in to it not liking the lead female. But even if you had no opinion of her, the script would quickly make sure you hate her. She’s a lonely TV exec who is forced to work with a sexist morning talk show romance guru. He’s boorish, she’s a prude AND OH MY GOSH AREN’T THEY SO OPPOSITE THAT YOU HOPE THEY FALL IN LOVE? No. Confession: I can’t give a lot of details on this one because I couldn’t even finish it. My hope is that we got a happy ending where both characters were hit by a bus.
2. The English Patient (1996)
I don’t know about the others on my list, but I know this one was critically acclaimed. I’m probably in the minority for not liking it, but that’s OK. Where the other movies on my list are stupid or bad, this one is just SO. STINKING. DULL. It’s drawn out, it seemingly lasts 37 hours and I was bored the whole time.
Much like Elaine Benes, I would have rather seen Sack Lunch. How do you think they got in there? Did they get shrunk, or is it a giant sack? I have so many questions about Sack Lunch. I had a lot of questions about “The English Patient” too while watching:
“This isn’t over yet?”
“When will this be over?”
“Is it over yet?”
“How long have we been here?”
“I fell asleep for six hours, and it’s STILL ON?”
1. New Years Eve (2011)
I saw New Years Eve in theaters, but it wasn’t my intention. The movie I went to see was sold out, and I let my wife choose what we would see instead. It was the worst mistake she ever made.
This giant, stinky turd of a movie was…I don’t even know. It’s like 15 different stories, and the filmmakers clumsily string a few of them together to form a movie I guess. The plot? Duh, it’s New Years Eve. And in this big ol’ city they call New York, people celebrate it differently, you betcha!
I would be OK with watching a bad movie, but this one…it was like the Triple H/Undertaker KOTR 2002 of movies! The worst part is near the end, as all the stories are wrapping up, it’s like they desperately want you to cry. The only problem is, rather than writing a script that allows you to enjoy a character and root for them, they’d just spend 90 minutes cutting back and forth between 15 people and spending ten minutes (no exaggeration) on Bon Jovi and the ugly girl from Glee singing. Thankfully though, those songs were enough to make Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl (truly the Bogart and Bergman of our generation!) fall in love with them.
I won’t spoil it for you, you’ll have to figure out which person falls in love with which singer. Hint: YOU WON’T CARE. Back to my point, I can actually picture the writers of this movie sitting in a room, trying to come up with what scene in movies makes people cry the most.
Babies being born?
Young love experiencing heartbreak?
A man on his deathbed? But not before being reunited with his daughter? (Played by Hillary Swank, who apparently looks like Halle Berry, since earlier in the movie the dying man spoke to Berry, thinking it was his daughter)
A soldier in Iraq (I assume, but looked more like the dreaded GreenScreenistan) who can’t be home for New Years, the one holiday you want to spend with loved ones more than ANY OTHER?
Poor people getting money?
A jaded, cynic letting down his guard and falling in love?
A couple reuniting after life got in the way? Life that we can ALL sympathize with by the way, he’s a famous rock star and she’s a chef for the biggest party in all of New York.
An animal being rescued from death?
A woman who has lived “safe” for too long, finally taking some risks and making a friend out of the experience?
A police officer whose job is to sit around in a skyscraper getting to spend New Years WITH HIS FAMILY?
Do any of these make you cry? Well you’re in luck, because this movie literally has EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THINGS. And that’s not even all of the “heartstring” moments. Would you cry if the ball got stuck in Times Square? I WOULDN’T! I’d be enraged and call for the job of whoever is in charge of making the ball drop! Quite a career choice, by the way. But surely you’d weep if that person then magically appeared on every TV channel AND the giant screen on Times Square and gave a heartfelt speech about how New Years is not JUST about change, but reflection. It was at this moment that I reflected upon spending money on this movie, realized I deserved to be punished and stabbed myself with my car keys.
How about the guy who kissed a woman last New Years, and fell in love (TRUE love by the way), but instead of being with her, she wrote him a note and said, “If you are serious, meet me here NEXT New Years)? That would be great, right? BUT HE RUNS INTO PROBLEMS!
He crashed his car on his way to the city, but luckily, people who AREN’T from the big city of New York (where all of love is) got him there. Of course, they are all obese and horny and drive around in an RV. None of that is made up. He made it…only the place he was at last year? IT’S GONE. As he slinks away, what’s that sound? CLIP CLOP CLIP CLOP! Why, it’s a horse drawn carriage coming down the COMPLETELY EMPTY NEW YORK CITY STREET JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT ON NEW YEARS! And who’s that coming OUT of the horse drawn carriage? In a hilarious twist, it’s ol’ Horseface herself! That’s right, Sarah Jessica Parker, who had spent the whole movie chasing her daughter around the city, but then saying, “That boy kissed someone else…go spend the rest of your New Years with him! Bye!”
Truly, this movie has it all. And if that’s not enough, stick around for the WACKY BLOOPER REEL during the credits. Some of the funniest parts?
Halle Berry walking in, then laughing and walking out. Oh man! The theater was ROARING on that one! I was laughing so hard, I urinated all over five people!
But that’s not all! How about when Robert DeNiro said, “I wouldn’t let you be my doctor!” to Cary Elwes because he had trouble picking up the clipboard? HAHA, it’s funny because Robert Deniro used to be a respected actor!
And then, there was the gag scene where Jessica Biel gave birth to not one, but TWO blu-ray copies of “Valentines Day”!!!
Suddenly I realized that there was ANOTHER movie just like this one. I can only imagine it’s the exact same sort of thing, and as I pondered to myself, thinking that this movie was actually a SEQUEL of sorts, I realized something. God hates us all.
