24.
2014
-You bought a ticket to the Rumble? Well fuck you.-
Winner: Batista (28)
Number 1: CM Punk
Number 2: Seth Rollins
Number 30: Rey Mysterio
Final 4: Batista, Roman Reigns, Sheamus, CM Punk
Iron Man: CM Punk (49:12)
Most Eliminations: Roman Reigns (12)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: It’s got to be the end of the line for Kane when he barely gets a minute in the Rumble.
Best Moment: Cesaro’s giant swing sequence – first Miz (with a swank CM Punk dropkick) then he swings Rollins for infinity. Cesaro trades bombs with Harper at one point and Sheamus at another. So to answer the question: Cesaro.
Worst Moment: Everything post number thirty. It’s now confirmed that Bryan isn’t in the match. It may be the worst moment in Rumble history as the crowd completely turns on the match and everyone in it.
Most Shocking Moment: Kevin Nash shows up and looks very old. I’m shocked, but proud, the crowd didn’t chant “you’ve still got it” at him. He doesn’t have it.
Best Elimination: Roman Reigns catches Kofi Kingston and tosses him over his head and to the floor.
MVP: I think a guy like Roman Reigns is built for the Royal Rumble. His high impact spots shine brighter when it’s all he has to do. All the spears and superman punches, they all register and all pop the crowd. He’s also the only one who bothers to tell a story in the match by consistently saving his teammates only to have them try to throw him out. Add to that the elimination record (with a stack of cool eliminations) and this is an easy MVP for him.
Biggest Pop: Sheamus returns from his injury and destroys The Shield, when he stops to pose the place goes crazy.
Most Heat: Rey Mysterio takes the heat for being a number 30 who isn’t named Daniel Bryan, but the boos get louder and louder as the crowd shits all over the rest of the match up to and including Batista’s win. I like to imagine that everyone stayed in the building and booed through the night up until the last truck left the state.
Least Interesting: The Great Khali. It’s enough. I feel bad every time he’s there. Like an old circus elephant waiting to die. Just get another elephant, let the poor man die.
Biggest Blunder: This is quick but as Ryback enters he tears his shirt and a piece of it flies off, lands on his head and stays there for a second. It wouldn’t be so funny if he wasn’t trying so hard to look tough.
Who Deserved Better: The fans. And not just for excluding Bryan. (although that is the biggest part of it.) Ziggler comes in to a huge reaction: they toss him early. Fandango comes in and everyone is singing: they cut it right off, and then he gets tossed by a mini Mantaur. CM Punk is the last acceptable winner in the ring: he’s cheaply pulled out by Kane. It’s really shameful how Vince McMahon can have the balls to tell people that they listen to their fans.
Who Else Could Have Won: I don’t like to deal with definitives with this section but Daniel Bryan should have won. He should have entered at number seventeen when Punk was alone with the Shield and won the damn match. Not only is he the favorite of the fans (by a very wide margin) but it’s also the logical conclusion of the Authority storyline that started when they screwed him at SummerSlam. In fact I’m of the belief that when they saw how badly the crowd was shitting on the match after number 30 they should have just thrown up the countdown and make Bryan entry 31. Have him win, Authority contests it and then make him earn the shot at Elimination Chamber. But what do I know, I’m not IN THIS BUSINESS, so I couldn’t possibly understand the intricacies of a complex professional wrestling storyline.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: Swagger and Rusev foreshadow a never-ending feud that no one wants to see.
Why It’s Number 24: So how do you rate this one? If you take into account the complete and utter disregard for the audience it’s got to be nearly the worst. Take that out of the equation and on its own it’s really not that interesting a Rumble. Sure you have the Reigns record, but everything else is just so blah. There are too many guys in the ring for the bulk of it and even the Kofi Kingston spots are getting waaaaay too contrived at this point. Lots of stars and great workers in this thing but none of them really get a chance to shine and the match suffers as a result. So much more solid than 93, 95 and 99 but waaaaaaaay more insulting than all of them. I can’t in good conscience put it below them based on insult, but it can’t go any higher as the excitement level just wasn’t there. I guess I can’t forgive them for putting a mini Mantaur or a long-retired JBL (“The character has never been in this thing!!!!!!) in instead of the most over guy they’ve had since Stone Cold Steve Austin.
23.
1988
-This Better Work Patterson…-
Winner: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (13)
Number 1: Fat Bret Hart
Number 2: Tito Santana
Number 20: The Junk Yard Dog
Final 4: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Dino Bravo, The One Man Gang, Don “The Rock” Muraco
Iron Man: Bret Hart (25:42)
Most Eliminations: The One Man Gang (5)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: The One Man Gang
Best Moment: Jake runs in and saves Tito from the Hart Foundation and Butch Reed then eliminates Reed sending the crowd into a frenzy.
Worst Moment: Don Muraco’s slow motion fall out of the ring.
Most Shocking Moment: The Junk Yard Dog and The Ultimate Warrior combine for six total minutes. (Give me a break nothing of note happened in the match)
Best Elimination: Harley Race is flipped out spectacularly by the Rock. The true Rock. The one whose upper body resembles many rocks.
MVP: Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Jake carried the audience here as they were with him from the moment he stepped into the ring. He was engaging and spent very little time resting. He totally should have DDT’d Danny Davis.
Biggest Pop: Duggan’s win. With Danny Davis’ elimination being a close second.
Most Heat: Anything Danny Davis did. Man they hated that little prick.
Least Interesting: Boris Zhukov. This couldn’t have been Bam Bam Bigelow?
Biggest Blunder: Nikolai Volkoff runs out directly behind Muraco, realizes he’s entered at the wrong number and then proceeds to bob and weave at ringside with all the grace of a drunk bear.
Who Deserved Better: Tito. If Sam Houston can stay in that long why does Santana need to leave? He could have logged a few more minutes and the crowd would have surely rallied behind him.
Who Else Could Have Won: Eh, anyone but Sam Houston. I guess if you weren’t going to give it to Duggan you could have given it to Jake. I think early on the WWF decided Jake never needed to win to be over, and that’s exactly how they booked him.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: Why did Iron Sheik want to rape Brian Blair?
Why It’s Number 23: If you like tag teams and mid-carders this is the Rumble for you. There’s a definite lack of star power and oh yeaaaaah are there a few glaring omissions for this match. This Rumble never stops moving while the pace and some smart booking make this one entirely watchable. “Every man for himself” has not been implemented yet and even Jesse is keeping tabs on how many heels there are to team up on Tito Santana. Its biggest strength may also be its biggest weakness though, that being a total lack of stakes for the match. The good thing about that though is it opens up the field and gives you the impression that ANYONE can win it. All in all it’s a solid first outing and lots of fun to revisit.
22.
1998
-Damnit Terry you were told to wear black-
Winner: “Cold Stone” Steve Austin (24)
Number 1: Cactus Jack
Number 2: Chainsaw Charlie
Number 30: Vader
Final 4: “Cold Stone” Steve Austin, The Rock, Faarooq, Dude Love
Iron Man: The Rock (51:32)
Most Eliminations: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (7)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: Smilin’ Mark Henry. I’m not sure why he’s so happy to be there, but we were robbed of undoubtedly the most joyous victory celebration of all time when he forgot he was eliminated.
Best Moment: Austin’s entrance is the whole story of the match. The glass shatters and everyone stops. They all face the entrance ready to throw him out, but he sneaks up from behind and punches Marc Mero out of the ring and quickly tosses 8 Ball.
Worst Moment: The Lamentable Tragedy of fat and tired Ahmed Johnson. The poor guy is either injured or completely exhausted. He looks like he’s moving in slow motion from the moment he waddles down the aisle. I get the impression he pours water on his head when he enters because he was just sleeping backstage. As long as his handful of minutes of work felt for us, it must have felt like an eternity for him. He can barely stand or move and we are relieved when he finally flops to the floor, hopefully on his way to get some fucking sleep. On his way out he trips and falls kicking a floored Phineas, and when Kama shoves him out of the way upon his entrance, Ahmed gallantly chases him for three steps before just giving up. He then leaves stumbling through the curtain, shame in his heart, tights all the way up his ass.
Most Shocking Moment: It’s somewhat shocking that The Honky Tonk Man replaces HHH, it’s completely shocking he lasts 20 minutes!!!
Best Elimination: While the camera missed it the first time, Rock low blowing Shamrock and tossing him is pretty glorious.
MVP: It’s the Rock, I just wish he was a better MVP. The match would have been much better served had he been a little more active and doing a little more of the character stuff that Marc Mero was doing. Mero was engaging from the start, soaking in Sable’s cheers while he berated her the entire match. Rock is good and he consistently kept you in the match by giving the crowd someone they want to see tossed, it’s just a shame he didn’t have more of that fire he showed at the end with Austin.
Biggest Pop: From the moment Austin hits Rock with the Stunner to a few seconds after Austin wins is a crazy sustained pop.
Most Heat: After Jarrett beats down Owen Hart in the aisle he get possibly the loudest boos of his life.
Least Interesting: 8 Ball lasted 30 minutes, Thrasher lasted 28 minutes. They both do next to nothing, but at least 8 Ball piledrives Terry Funk. So Thrasher “wins” this one. He did absolutely nothing.
Biggest Blunder: After Owen Hart is eliminated by HHH he chases him through the curtain and clearly falls down the stairs. Then Ahmed enters. It’s a rough couple of minutes.
Who Deserved Better: Owen. For Pete’s sake he’s arguably the second most over face in the entire match and he gets like a minute. In a match that is dying to have some faces in it, it’s absurd they didn’t use him more.
Who Else Could Have Won: Obviously Austin is the right (and only) choice here, and while the match was predictable, it was good predictable as that’s what everyone wanted to see. However if it wasn’t Austin, there was probably a super hot program to be had with Owen winning this thing and avenging his brother at Wrestlemania.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: Rock’s nipples look like they’re lactating.
Why It’s Number 22: The trouble with the outcome being so predictable here is that it doesn’t give the match much chance to be any good. There’s some star power in here, more so than say in 1993 and 1995, unfortunately they have a pile of over heels but very few over faces. The booking of said faces really hurts this one here. Owen and Shamrock barely get any time, and while the Foley stuff was cool I think him staying in longer as one character would earned him a pile of face sympathy which in turn would have added tremendously to the match. Another problem is that the dead weight stayed in way too long. Mosh, Thrasher, 8 Ball, Bradshaw and Henry added nothing to the match, nothing, but were in there forever. Still though the end is hot and the right guy went over. Which is more than you can say for 1999 and 2014. I think the ending made us forget how lackluster the rest was. Also: everyone was wearing black. Even Ken frickin’ Shamrock.
21.
2000
-Where the lower midcard rules, and the upper midcard leaves-
Winner: The Rock (24)
Number 1: D’Lo Brown
Number 2: Grand Master Sexay
Number 30: X-Pac
Final 4: The Rock, The Big Show, X-Pac, Kane
Iron Man: Test (26:17)
Most Eliminations: Rikishi (7)
“Big” “Favorite” Who Didn’t Win: The Big Show. (I guess he did technically) And Kane.
Best Moment: When the entire match stops and a sumo wrestler dances with his two friends. Memorable for the dance, touching for the friendship.
Worst Moment: Chyna eliminates Chris Jericho. Why?
Most Shocking Moment: Bob Backlund shows up and gets a huge pop.
Best Elimination: While it didn’t actually count Rock throwing X-Pac into the front row felt good.
MVP: The Rock. No one was given enough individual time to really take this thing. Rock woke the crowd up after an insanely long sequence with nothing happening. He was by far the most over and his energy and constant involvement save this match. I can’t help but think if they would have just stuck with Rikishi a little longer he would have taken this one here. (and the match would have been better)
Biggest Pop: The crowd goes crazy for the people’s elbow on Show.
Most Heat: I can’t believe this but when The Big Show tosses The Godfather. New York gets it. It ain’t easy.
Least Interesting: The poor British Bulldog. He’s terrible. He does nothing and he’s in there way too long. It’s get someone in the corner, repeat, pull up jeans, repeat, think about regrets, and finally pull up jeans. Why is he wearing those jeans? I get the impression he just throws on a t-shirt at the end of the night to go home. I’m not sure I’ve ever been less impressed with a wrestler as 99/00 Bulldog.
Biggest Blunder: Taka nearly kills himself. You know the spot.
Who Deserved Better: Chris Jericho. Watch the crowd die after Chyna throws him out. Instead we get minutes upon minutes of Boss Man and Albert. Jericho should have been doing tons of near eliminations as he was one of the few (until the Rock came in) that anyone cared about. Why wasn’t he the iron man?
Who Else Could Have Won: This is another one of those years where it really had to be Rock. If not him why not Jericho? Just to see what happens. Sometimes you just need to take a chance and his reactions were strong enough to warrant that chance.
Worst Thought I Had During the Match: I wish more wrestlers idolized Bob Backlund. Seeing Test, Bulldog and Boss Man in the ring with him made me sad that they’re all dead and had they been more wholesome like Backlund they probably wouldn’t be.
Why It’s Number 21: This one is much weaker than I expected, and that damn dance must have left quite an impression on me to remember it so fondly. Such a weirdly booked Rumble with so many guys who weren’t over. If you were going to book those guys fine, but let Rikishi and Jericho stay in the ring to give us someone to care about. The best rumbles always have someone for us to cheer or boo in there at ALL times. After Jericho gets eliminated we have almost fifteen minutes until the Rock. That’s a third of the match where nothing is happening. How many times did someone come in hot and get the crowd involved only to be punched in the balls and writhe around on the ground for a while. Just a strange rumble that decide to rely on Rock’s star power rather than booking a compelling match. While it’s remembered fondly I feel if you gave it a re-watch the holes will become quickly apparent.
That does it for our first batch in the Definitive Royal Rumble Match Rankings. Be sure to check back over the next week to see the complete rankings Let’s see how upset I can make you next time. (I’m honestly not trying)
