Steve’s Impact Report 12/12/13


Impact Wrestling

December 12, 2013

Rockstar Spud is driving around Gainesville, Georgia to locate AJ Styles and his championship belt.

Jeremy Borash is in the ring with a bunch of props, including the four briefcases for Feast and Fired plus the Wheel of Dixie. Question for the masses: if you were at work, and your boss gave you the option to participate in a game that gave you a 25% chance that you MIGHT get a promotion and a 10% chance of getting canned, would you take it? That’s why I could never get behind the idea of this Feast or Fired match. Kurt Angle interrupts the proceedings and knocks everything down. He calls out Bobby Roode yet again. Roode speaks the truth, talking about how he’s destroyed Angle physically and emotionally since Bound for Glory. They brawl again, and Angle’s dominating here. By far, this has been the best pairing of opponents over the past couple months. And speaking of pairs, Roode kicks Angle right in his. Next week, at Final Resolution, we’ll see Angle against Roode, best two out of three falls.

Recap of the corny Joseph Park angle, and, backstage, Eric Young tries to build up Park’s self-esteem for their tag match against Bad Influence this evening. I pray that this is the end of this story. Bad Influence deserves better.

Match #1: Bad Influence vs. Joseph Park and Eric Young

Young and Daniels to start off, as Park is hesitant to get in the ring. He’s been emotionally devastated by the bullying efforts of Daniels and Kazarian. As the match progresses, Young controls whenever he’s in the ring, and Park can’t get a move in. Bad Influence with some frequent double teaming on Park, who pouts and writhes in pain. Eventually, Young can’t take it anymore and tells Park to man up. FINALLY, someone smartens up, as Young punches Park in the face repeatedly, busting him open. Only took eighteen months for someone to figure that out. UH-OH, ABYSS! Choke slam for Francois and torture rack backbreaker on Daniels. Black hole slam wins it!

Winners: Joseph Park and Eric Young

Eric Young makes me laugh, telling Park, “Hey, that got crazy.” He tells Park that he can’t find Abyss because he is Abyss. Park, Tenay and Taz are dumbfounded.

#Impact365, part one, shows EC3 getting a rubdown from Helga.

After the break, we get Ethan Carter in the ring. Fans chant “What.” EC3 challenges Jeremy Borash to a match. Thankfully, Sting comes out instead. He openly mocks Carter’s success and says that he’s only getting where he is because of his name. Taz makes a crack about nepotism in pro wrestling. Sting challenges him to a match. Crowd chants “Wolfpac?” Are they stuck in 1998-2002 tonight? EC3 states that he will be in Feast or Fired instead. Again, Tenay acts flabbergasted, despite a week’s worth of advertising saying that he’s in that match.

Rockstar Spud is lost in Georgia.  He asks a local for directions. No hilarity ensues.

Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa out for an in-ring interview. ODB comes out to answer the challenge, despite being a part of the TNA roster. She exclaims that she’s not here for Kim, but for Tapa! She attempts to slam Tapa, but Kim clips the knee. Out comes Madison Rayne with a spear on Kim! Rayne and ODB clothesline Tapa over the top rope.

Spud’s in a local watering hole, he tries to buy a British drink with a dollar bill. The bartender sticks a lemon in a bottle of beer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was a valuable usage of television time. Now they’re making Spud sing a song. He gets too carried away and gets kicked out. It’s like they found a guy with some comedy chops and thought they’d milk the life out of it. None of it has anything to do with wrestling, and it’s barely entertaining.

Backstage, Gunner and James Storm bicker over the Feast or Fired bout later. One hour of Impact, one match.

Dixie’s out and, among other blathering, she shills for next week’s tournament finals between Magnus and Jeff Hardy. Hardy’s over more than anyone in the new Impact Zone. Magnus puts over Hardy for his accomplishments and paving the way for him, but states that now, he’s the final obstacle. Dixie interjects, and says that the final bout will be something called Dixieland. Is this anything like the PTBN trivia finals from this year?  OK, here we go. The match begins in a steel cage which you have to escape. The title is hung over the entrance ramp, and you need a ladder to reach it. There’s a live crocodile pit below the ramp in case a competitor falls off a ladder. ROCK ROCK ROCK AND ROLLERGAMES!

Spud tries to break into what he thinks is AJ’s house. After running into some props, he finds the belt then runs into AJ. Six or seven segments, no payoff.

Ken Anderson psyches himself up for Feast or Fired.


Match #2: Austin Aries vs. Chris Sabin (with Velvet Sky) for the TNA X Division Championship

Aries frustrates Sabin off the bat, luring him in and causing him to crash and burn several times. He catches Sabin with a sliding dropkick and attempts a flying double axe handle, but Sabin hides behind Velvet. Sabin trips Aries, making him crash face first on the apron.  Sabin sidesteps a missile dropkick. He nails a sweet twisting gutbreaker onto Aries for two. Greg Phillips needs to head to Genesis in January; it’s in Huntsville, Alabama. Sabin front suplexes Aries onto the top rope. Aries returns the favor, and boxes Sabin’s ears several times before nailing a discus forearm. This time, he hits the flying axe handle and a top rope missile dropkick. Each combatant miss a move until Aries dumps Sabin into the corner with a Japanese arm drag. Full speed dropkick connects. Sky and Sabin nearly collide, and Aries nails a delayed BRAINBUSTER for the three count. We have a new champ!

Winner: Austin Aries – New X Division champion

That was a definitive surprise on an off week for Impact. Sadly, it was only a seven minute match in a show that could use a lot more in-ring action. Barely any celebration, either, before we head to break.

I wonder if this means that EC3 will win a shot at Aries tonight.

Sabin’s complaining about Aries utilizing Velvet Sky to win. Both decide to enter Feast or Fired later on tonight. Why the X-Division title winner would want to do that is beyond me.

Match #3: Feast or Fired Match

Ken Anderson comes out first, and he’s laid out by Bully Ray with a piledriver on the stage. He recites a poem of sorts as ominous music plays in the background. He states that Anderson “raped” his future, and now he’s going to make certain that he will be responsible for the future of his unborn children.

Our competitors are Samoa Joe, Chris Sabin, Hernandez, Xema Ion, Norv Fernum, Dewey Barnes, Curry Man, Chavo Guerrero, James Storm, Gunner, Austin Aries, and Ethan Carter III.

Curry Man is the smartest guy in the ring, and he leaves. Aries flies out, hitting a twisting plancha on Barners, Fernum and Sabin. Ion follows with a dropkick to the floor. Hernandez leaps over the top rope with Air Mexico! Gunner backdrops Storm over the top to the floor on the pile. BARNES AND FERNUM WITH STEREO SOMERSAULT PLANCHAS! JOE KILLS THEM BOTH WITH A FOREARM THROUGH THE ROPES! As everyone brawls on the outside, EC3 climbs up and grabs case #3.

After break, Joe singlehandedly takes out Hernandez, Chavo, Gunner and Storm. He’s killing Barnes and Fernum dead, powerbombing Fernum onto Barnes. That sentence killed my spellcheck. STJoe on Sabin!

He gets dumped by Barnes and Fernum?!? Ion dumps both off the top rope and uncovers case #2 to absolutely zero crowd reaction. Aries unleashes a crossbody onto Hernandez and Storm. It’s Aries’’ turn to destroy everyone. Corner dropkicks A-GO-GO! Five of them, to be exact. 450 onto Dewey and Barnes simultaneously! Sabin stops the momentum by pulling him to the floor but gets thrown into the steel steps for his troubles. Chavo works over Joe, and Hernandez gives him a boost to the suitcase, and Guerrero grabs number #4. WELP, I guess we all know which that one is. Bye, bye Chavo! Scott Criscuolo will be happy. Gunner and Storm double team Joe…waiting for the miscommunication between the two at any second. Gunner powerbombs Dewey and Fernum off the top, who, in turn, were superplexing Hernandez. Joe gets superkicked by Storm. Gunner takes out Storm and steps right over him, pulling off the final case!

Winners of the cases: Gunner, Xema Ion, Chavo Guerrero and Ethan Carter III

And with that, we’re out. Chavo’s obviously is getting canned, and it seems as if EC3 would get the heavyweight title shot out of this group, which, if it comes to fruition, is quite astonishing this early in his career.

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