Monday Night Raw
May 27, 2013
With it being Memorial Day, we get the annual honoring of our veterans living and dead, always a nice touch from Vince. We are live from the Harts’ backyard, the Saddledome. We go to last week when Curtis Axel debuted and Triple H’s health is now in question. We also get WWE Champion John Cena for the first time since Extreme Rules, to counter Ryback’s request for an Ambulance match at Payback. After the package we are joined by the WWE Champion, in a new yellow ten year anniversary shirt. Yuck. He says there’s unrest and tension in the arena tonight. Extreme Rules had violence and controversy. Both men didn’t get up at ten, so both men feel they should be Champion. The crowd is chanting for Bret. Which means John, no one cares what you have to say. He says Ryback thought too quickly. He thinks Ryback is a meathead for only picking one stipulation. Payback should be definite and hell. So at Payback, the match is now Three Stages of Hell match. Well it probably won’t live up to the other three anyway, so lay it on me John. Stage One is a Lumberjack match. Really? You must be joking. Stage Two he thanks the WWE Universe because they like to chant a lot, and he likes “We Want Tables”, so Stage Two is a Tables match. Then Stage Three will be Ryback’s Ambulance match. There has never been three shittier stages for this match. Welcome to the new WWE. Wow. Ryback’s music hits, which means we’re going to get a crappy promo. Where’s the ambulance? So that lasted one week? Fucking assholes! He agrees with Cena that Payback should be definitive and hell. Blah Blah Blah…why is he talking? STOP TALKING!!!!! Where’s the ambulance? Say hello to Beelzebub? Say hello to Lucifer? That’s it? Who the fuck wrote that crap? I dare someone to defend that garbage promo. Wow out comes Paul Heyman to save this dying opening segment. He brags about the man who took out Triple H, and out comes Curtis Axel. Oh no, I don’t like where this is going. Heyman says it’s one thing to accept a challenge from Ryback, it’s another thing to offer a challenge. He’s going to challenge Cena to a match tonight with his guy Curtis Axel. Cena says he saw Axel last week, and he says stay away from Heyman, he’s full of crap. Axel says we didn’t ask for an opinion, we asked for a fight. He says last week was luck and now it’s all talking. Tonight Cena will face Curtis Axel. Wow another Axel cheap win. Axel should pin him tonight. But it won’t happen.
MATCH: Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. Langston
Cole just said Del Rio wants to avenge last week’s loss to Big E. He did, on MAIN EVENT! What, that match didn’t exist? What the hell is wrong with Cole? The taped one hour show is a throwaway, so nothing on that show counts? Now Cole says it’s a rubber match. I’m sorry, these guys make more money than I do, so they need to be better than they are. I’m talking about the announcers. Del Rio’s going to win this match. With Ziggler out due to the concussion, this feud is starting to die on the vine. He better get healthy soon. Lawler is making more bad AJ jokes. Ugh. Ziggler is on the WWE App on his iPhone. He says more Big E beatdowns make him feel better. The match is back and forth, then Del Rio hits his kick for two. Del Rio puts him in the armbar but Big E lifts him up, so Del Rio hits Langston on the exposed turnbuckle that AJ loosened earlier, and Del Rio gets the win. After the match Langston is pissed as she’s glaring at her and he leaves. Regardless if it was through heel miscommunication, Langston losing two matches in a row is bad.
Backstage, Kane is upset as Daniel Bryan is pacing and they start arguing the weak link thing again. They are interrupted by WWE Hall of Famer (and very gray) Bret Hart. He puts them over and Daniel asks about size and being a weak link. Bret says the same things Kane did and Daniel was fine with it. It is funny, but it’s getting stale. They face the Shield in their tag title rematch tonight. The WWE App will host Bret Hart Appreciation Night. It will probably be on the website if you miss it.
UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: Dean Ambrose © vs. Kofi Kingston
Maybe they’ll have a legitimate match instead of that clusterfuck on Friday that turned into a six-man tag team match with those clowns Orton and Sheamus. Well if there’s a separate tag match later, maybe not. Kofi worked Ambrose over early with high flying moves but Ambrose stalls outside. Now for once they show the part of the match during the break on the App. They need to do that more often, instead of telling us there’s an interview going on DURING the match. I say that, and now they show those two clowns Sheamus and Orton WATCHING this match on the WWE App. Oh the humanity. Ambrose hits that inverted bulldog finisher totally clean and pins Kofi for the win. It goes back to tripping Kofi on the apron and Kofi’s head hits the steel steps. Ok Kofi hit the bricks, time for a new challenger. All three Shield members celebrate in the ring until Team Hell No come out and everyone starts brawling. So the tag title match will start after the break.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: The Shield © vs. Team Hell No
Maybe this will end the feud and the Shield will move on to other teams. The match is no different than any of their other 42 times they’ve faced each other. The tension between Kane and Bryan is still there as a subplot. The Primetime Players are on the App, so stop watching the match and listen to them. Should I? Maybe one night I’ll turn the show off and just blog the App interviews. Bryan tags in and goes crazy, knocking both Shield guys around with his kicks. He can’t pin Rollins. They are brawling on the top and Bryan hits a Superplex on Rollins that knocked himself out. Shield take control and Rollins gives Bryan the Surfboard. Rollins is taunting Bryan that he is the weak link. Awesome continuity there. Now it’s Kane who gets the hot tag and he goes crazy. Bryan is with Reigns on the outside and Kane tells him to go back into the corner, but Bryan doesn’t listen and he misses a move on Reigns. The distraction allows Rollins to hit the flying knee to Kane and the Shield retains the titles. This is it for Team Hell No.
We get a recap of the opening segment and Cena’s amending of the Payback match. After the break, the announcers talk about what happened to Triple H at the end of last week’s show. They talk about the sledge shot to the jaw at Extreme Rules, and state he could be back next week on Raw.
We go back to last week when Fandango was dancing during his tag team match. You could go to the WWE App to decide if the Miz will be either an announcer, commentator or referee for the next match.
MATCH: Fandango vs. Wade Barrett
The voting is in, and Miz will be the guest referee by a very wide margin. I actually like Barrett’s theme, with the creepy “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN” in the beginning. Very Sex Pistols or Clash. The matches so far tonight have been very good. Fandango’s stage hadn’t been down yet when he came out because there was no time to. Usually its already down. Interesting match this Wednesday on Main Event, as Miz teams with Alberto Del Rio to face Wade Barrett and Big E. Langston. I like that combo. The match is going OK until Wade Barrett gets hit with the Skull-Crushing Finale and Fandango steals the win. Then Miz boots him in the head and he and Summer Rae fall. Miz counts again, and he gives Summer Rae the win? Haha, OK.
Cena is backstage talking to WWE Hall of Famer Shawn Michaels, whose beard is actually bushier than mine. Is he a Bruins fan too? He tells Cena that they shouldn’t rush injuries, like Triple H did last week. Cena says that’s the pot calling the kettle black. With the Bret ceremony after Raw, I knew Shawn would be there.
SIX MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Tons of Funk/Great Khali vs. 3MB
We get some weird segment with all these people and a cake, which is thrown into Hornswoggle’s face. Some private birthday party? Why is Brodus wrestling while wearing a thick bold rope chain? The good guys win in a glorified squash. Oh so it’s Natalya’s birthday, and Great Khali will sing Happy Birthday. I think that’s what he sang, sounded like something else.
We get another vignette about our awesome military. Then Chris Jericho comes out, and it’s time for the Highlight Reel. He introduces Paul Heyman, including calling him “bulbous”. He throws more jabs at Heyman, saying he’s between a genius to a walrus. He does say that he aligns himself with great talent, but Paul says that he cultivates great talent. Paul even says he discovered Chris Jericho, giving himself his big break. Jericho says Paul owes him money. Ha ha that was actually funny. Heyman says he wants to share a big moment here. He puts over Axel in his match, but Jericho says he wants to talk about his other client and Heyman dives right into Brock Lesnar’s resume. Jericho wants to talk about his third client, the guy who I’ve missed so friggin’ bad, CM PUNK. Punk’s been gone for six weeks. We go back to last month, when Punk said taking on the Streak was bigger than the WWE Title, and he pushed Taker to the limit. Then he heard the Taker chants, and he walked out. Jericho says Paul has the same look now as he did then. Paul says he’s wearing the same suit he wore that night Punk walked out. Paul puts Punk over, gets cheap heel heat by dogging Bret, but Jericho cuts him off. Jericho wants to know where he is. Paul says there will be an announcement in the next few weeks about his future. Jericho says he can’t sit home for six weeks and be called Best in the World. Paul disagrees as he’s sitting at home. Jericho says hi at home, and says Payback is in Chicago, Punk’s hometown. Jericho says Punk can’t lose four big matches in a row, take his ball and go home and be called Best in the World. Jericho says he’s the Best in the World, but Paul won’t let him say it. Jericho then challenges Punk to a match at Payback to get his title back. Paul says Jericho can’t negotiate. So Jericho says he’s the Best in the World. Paul finally accepts. They shake hands and glare at each other. Jericho tells Punk he’ll never be the same again. THANK GOD. The Best in the World has been missed on these blogs.
MATCH: Kaitlyn & Natalya vs, The Bella Twins
No one cares. The Bellas win. Still, no one cares.
Backstage Curtis Axel is getting ready, Bret Hart comes in. They talk about the awesome Mr. Perfect, but then Bret tells him to dump Paul Heyman. Axel says no one gave him the time of day and now he’s facing Triple H and John Cena in consecutive weeks.
We get a vignette from Mike Rotundo’s son, in some crazy back woods faction. It’s the Wyatt Family, kind of like three Waylon Mercys. Hell yeah, I’m all in for that.
MATCH: Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
Oh for Christ Sakes. This bullshit match just ruined my Waylon Mercy buzz. Who really gives a shit about either Orton or Sheamus anymore? Really. They both should turn heel and maybe freshen up. I was actually liking Sheamus in the role outside TV as an ambassador for the kids, but in reality this face turn is boring and stale. Orton’s just coasting and cashing a paycheck because obviously they’re not giving him anything with substance. The usual TV fare with back and forth stuff, it’s actually going much longer than I thought. As expected, Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick. YAWN.
12 Rounds Two. Ugh, on Blu Ray too?
Friday on Smackdown, Orton will face Dean Ambrose. Can the Shield get some new friggen opponents?
MATCH: John Cena vs. Curtis Axel
I never noticed that when Cena does his run and slide into the ring he chucks the belt across the ring too. We have two champions (Cena and Ziggler) who totally disrespect the two most prized trophies in wrestling. Dumb trash. Sorry, I’m a fan who takes the titles very seriously because that’s what being in this business is all about. Axel actually works Cena over quite a bit in this match, working an armbar for about five minutes. Cena’s trying to make comebacks, but Axel keeps breaking them, including snapping off a Perfectplex which of course Cena kicked out of. Douche. The match is distracted when Ryback brings out the awesome ambulance. Cena leaves the ring and gets counted out, making Axel 2-0. Cena walks up to the ambulance and opens it, but its empty. Ryback attacks from the entranceway. Ryback lines Cena up near the LED lights on the stage again but Cena ducks out of the way. He goes for the FU but Ryback ducks away and leaves. Curtis Axel is 2-0 over Triple H and John Cena. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: Except for the occasional hiccup, the matches tonight weren’t that bad, in fact some were really good. Punk’s coming back, and we have a family of Waylon Mercys. That’s damn cool.
Scott’s RAW Top 5:
1) John Cena
3) Wade Barrett
5) Curtis Axel