Monday Night Raw
May 20, 2013
Kansas City, Missouri
We begin with an ambulance that drives into the Sprint Center arena. The ambulance stops and out comes Ryback. This stems from last night at Extreme Rules when he and John Cena went through the HD LED lights on the stage. Ryback says there was no winner last night, so even though Cena remained champion, he was carried out. Why is Ryback talking? God this is idiotic. Ryback needs to hit the “You are all idiots” line to make sure he’s a heel. He requests at Payback June 16 they should have an Ambulance match. Wow. How original. This opening segment is terrible. He rips the audience as fat and weak. This is horrendous. All lost souls of society who worship Cena. They are all pathetic, just like this opening segment. Ryback is still yapping, and I’ve lost my attention span. Blah blah blah…everyone’s going to the morgue? What is he talking about?
Everyone is drinking Sonic drinks. Sonic should ask for their money back. No one’s watching.
MATCH: Chris Jericho & The Miz vs. Fandango & Wade Barrett
Hopefully this opening match will cover what was a pretty awful opening segment. Wade Barrett has a new entrance theme, which will take some time for me to get used to. Mid-match, Fandango and Summer Rae start dancing outside while Barrett is taking a shit-kicking in the ring. That’s pretty funny. Jericho hits the Codebreaker, and Miz locks up the Figure Four and Barrett taps out. Lawler did about four straight bad Summer Rae jokes in a row.
Fandango is still dancing outside the ring, while the babyfaces are just staring idly by. Both men start stalking both of them, and Fandango bolts through the crowd, leaving Summer Rae alone. She and Jericho start glaring, and Jericho holds out his hand, and they start dancing. Then Jericho drops her in embarrassment.
Back from break and out comes Vickie Guerrero. She still works here? Where’s that dumbass Brad Maddox? Vickie says later tonight Jack Swagger will compete in a match, and you can vote for his opponent on that stupid app. The choices are Great Khali, R-Truth or Randy Orton. Gee, I wonder who’s going to win that vote? This show has been horrendous so far.
Backstage Team Hell No are belaboring that they are not the Tag Team Champions anymore. Bryan says he feels naked without the title. Kane says he’s not wearing clothes? How are there jokes here? Kane says he can’t show weakness, and they start arguing. Kofi Kingston breaks up the fighting. Kane says they will get their rematch with the Shield.
MATCH: Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil
Really? We need a Sheamus squash match? Good lord. We get an Extreme Rules post-show clip of Mark Henry leaving pissed off after losing the strap match. I used to love Sheamus, I really did. Turn heel and eat some children. Face Sheamus is getting so nauseating. O’Neil does get some offense in so its not a total squash. Eventually a Brogue Kick leads to predictable victory.
Back from break and out comes Paul Heyman, as he has a third client behind Brock Lesnar and CM Punk. He says everyone should get the boos out of their system. Paul asks what does it feel like to be powerless? Last night Brock Lesnar defeated your hero Triple H. History will not record cheers or boos, just victories. The COO Triple H goes down in history as a loser. Tonight Brock Lesnar is enjoying the spoils of war and Triple H had to go back to mommy. Paul says with Brock’s commitments filled, what’s next for Paul Heyman? Well tonight is a DVR moment, because right now we announce the new Paul Heyman guy, and it’s…Curt Axel. Curt Axel is Mike McGillicutty, or Mr. Perfect’s son. He has his dad’s re-vamped entrance theme. This quiet response is the same response, according to Paul, that Brock Lesnar got in 2002. Same response as in 2006 when they introduced the WWE Universe to CM Punk. Paul says his first name is based on his dad, and his last name is based on his grandfather, Curtis Axel! Crickets. We are interrupted, by THE GAME. I’m shocked Triple H is here tonight after being helped out of the steel cage after last night’s loss. Triple H isn’t embarrassed by last night as he faced Brock Lesnar. He feels like beating the crap out of Paul, but Axel gets in his face and says talk to me first. Triple H slaps him in the face. Triple H decides he will face Curtis Axel tonight, and when he beats Axel, he’ll still kick Paul’s ass. Wow Trip’s first Raw match in a while. Something’s fishy here.
MATCH: Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. Langston
Del Rio goes for the quick armbar but Langston lifts Del Rio and drops him. However Del Rio kept the arm bar on but Big E hits the ropes. The match goes back and forth, until Del Rio gains a late advantage with a boot to the face. For the first time, CM Punk has been mentioned, referring to his walking out two weeks after Wrestlemania. AJ throws Rodriguez’s bucket across the ring, giving Big E a chance to poke Del Rio in the eye and hit the Big Ending for the upset victory. Interesting. Big win for Big E.
We go back to earlier tonight and that unwatchable Ryback segment.
MATCH: Layla vs. AJ
Ugh, who cares? AJ wins.
Michael Cole just said Randy Orton’s name wrong, why is everyone so bad tonight?
MATCH: Cody Rhodes vs. Zack Ryder
Is this a giveback to Cody for jobbing to Miz last night? Ryback is watching the match via the WWE App. I wish I could watch the WWE App with something else playing. Cody wins with the kick.
After the match, big shock, out comes Ryback with his new t-shirt. Cody Rhodes bails, and Ryback gives Zack Ryder the Meat Hook, a power bomb, and Shell Shock. This is what Ryback should be doing every night instead of cutting long stupid promos. He throws Ryder out of the ring, carries him up the ramp and dumps him into the ambulance.
SIX MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Team Hell No/Kofi Kingston vs. The Shield
Ah yes, the highlights of Extreme Rules. Rollins/Reigns are the Tag Team Champions, and Ambrose is the United States Champion. Excellent. The boys put themselves over saying power has returned to these titles. Ambrose lists their victims and Rollins says this is just the beginning for the Hounds of Justice. Their promos are succinct and to the point. Not like Ryback’s earlier. The Shield needs some new opponents, as this must be about the 8th time they’ve faced Team Hell No in some capacity. Nothing came of when Antonio Cesaro tore a couple of Kofi’s dreads off after that epic Main Event match a few weeks ago. Speaking of Main Event, this week Wade Barrett will defend the Intercontinental Title against Sin Cara. That’s what the show should be about. Title matches. Anyway more on that Wednesday. However, A Daniel Bryan/Dean Ambrose feud is right up my and many others’ alleys. Wow this match has gone through two commercial breaks. It’s been pretty good, an early candidate for top TV match of the week. After a lot of late back and forth, Rollins blocks a chokeslam attempt with a knee to the head and Reigns hits a spear to finish it. Another big win for the Hounds of Justice.
We rewind to earlier tonight and the introduction of Curtis Axel. Triple H is backstage taping up. Some schmuck worker says the doctor thinks he’s not ready to wrestle. Triple H says tell the doc to clear him or he’s fired. Yeah, show some clout!
Kaitlyn is backstage with her secret admirer’s number when Cody Rhodes comes by. They check his phone and it’s not him.
MATCH: Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton
I typed Orton’s name before I knew the vote because, well I’m not stupid and as usual the vote is rigged. Duh. Sure enough, 72% picked Orton. What happened to this company? They’ve become so predictable and they don’t seem to care they are either. It’s a pretty stiff match with Swagger doing most of the work. This match hasn’t been that bad, as this third hour has saved the first two hours of utter crap. Orton wins with the RKO, and the official burying of Jack Swagger begins.
MATCH: Triple H vs. Curtis Axel
Very strange to type those two names together. This will be a mangle job, and Heyman’s REAL new client will likely step to the fore. Axel gets some work in, including a long headlock. Trips is shaking off something in between every move. He did take a sledge shot to the jaw last night. At one point he takes a seat outside and throws water on himself. He’s stumbling around the outside area and sits down again. The officials end the match as he’s sitting down trying to compose himself and he fell.
So Hunter is borrowing his boy Shawn’s 1995 storyline and almost passed out. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: The first two hours were horrendous. The third hour was better. Where’s CM Punk?
Scott’s RAW Top 5:
1) John Cena
3) Brock Lesnar
4) Wade Barrett
5) The Shield