Scott’s Raw Recap 4/28/14

I...I....I have no words. (Courtesy WWE)
I…I….I have no words. (Courtesy WWE)

Monday Night Raw

April 28, 2014

St. Louis, Missouri

We go back to last Monday when John Cena was beaten down by the Wyatt Family. We head live into St. Louis and a steel cage surrounds the ring, as it will Cena and Wyatt on Sunday at IZOD. With that out comes John Cena to a pretty hot ovation. However Cena’s not as geeked as he normally is. In fact he looks a bit annoyed to be honest. Cena simply asks why. He keeps saying why. He asks why he deserved what happened last week by 11 million people who voted. The YOU SUCK chants start. He says the WWE Universe had a chance to give him a fair fight or an unfair fight. He still can’t figure out why. Cena says he heard once you either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain. He goes back nine years ago to when he was drafted to Raw. That night was the loudest ovation ever. He says now times have changed. He says eventually he does have to step aside and he’s fine with that because the future is here in WWE with guys like Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. He also rips off some NXT guys. He says Bray Wyatt is a dangerous man. He says if Wyatt escapes the cage Sunday he will continue to manipulate everyone and it will be Bray Wyatt vs. the World. We then get the crazy intro, and the lights are out. Then some kid (or girl) starts singing “He’s got the Whole World in His Hands”. It’s friggin creepy as shit. The lights come up and it looks like a huge choir of kids is singing the song. Then Bray comes down the ramp and he starts singing with this huge choir following him. It’s actually a pretty fucked up segment. Cena is in the ring pretty much expressionless. Now the lights go out and when they come back up the choir’s all wearing sheep masks. Seriously the most fucked up segment in Raw history.

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Usos © vs. Rybaxel

I thought this was the pre-show match for Sunday’s PPV? Oh well any TV title match is fine with me. A few minutes into the match and Jey Uso appears to hurt his foot. So Jimmy becomes face in peril and takes a beating in the ring. Jey actually gets back into the match and tries to help make a comeback but he’s still working on one leg. Ryback goes for Shell Shock but Jey Uso almost reverses into a sunset flip for the win. It’s been a fun match and the Usos keep the titles when Jimmy hits a splash. WINNERS: Usos

Extreme Rules will not be on DirecTV or Dish Network Sunday.

We get an Adam Rose vignette. He arrives next Monday.

Backstage Paul Heyman and Cesaro are chatting. Heyman is slamming Rob Van Dam, even though everything he says is true. Cesaro smiles at it.

We go back to last week when Daniel Bryan got destroyed by Kane. Later tonight Stephanie McMahon will apologize for it.

MATCH: Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil

Titus jumps Sheamus while he’s walking down the ramp to the ring. Titus doesn’t know how to throw punches as he keeps on falling over. This is apparently “the new Titus”. Just when it seemed like Titus was going to get a push, we get a Brogue Kick out of nowhere and another win. WINNER: Sheamus

Bo-lieve. Who the fuck cares?

Dolph Ziggler is in the ring and he intros the trailer for “X-Men: Days of Future Past”. Dolph then welcomes Hugh Jackman back to Raw for the first time since 2011. He talks about hosting that first time and he compares it to Broadway and the movies. Blah Blah Blah, I can’t stand when actors talk out their ass about wrestling. Hugh and Dolph bury the hatchet, until out comes Damien Sandow comes out dressed as X-Men baddie Magneto. Is this how low Sandow has sunk? Really? HE WON MONEY IN THE BANK LAST YEAR! We get some lousy banter between the three of them. Behold the power of “MAGNETISM”. This segment is dying slowly. In the end Dolph hits Sandow with a Zig Zag after Hugh decks him.

We go back the past couple of weeks to revisit the rebirth of Evolution.

MATCH: Jack Swagger vs. Cesaro

Paul Heyman comes out to say he’s supposed to be a funny guy, but he says he’ll never mention the streak. These guys have wrestled so much that they should end it and Cesaro should move on to something else. Heyman starts grabbing Zeb’s mustache and the distraction gives Cesaro the win. Is Heyman…turning face? Probably not. WINNER: Cesaro

Incidentally Cesaro’s new theme really sucks.

We go back to the opening segment and the creepy choir. Renee is backstage with Cena and he has no response to what happened earlier.

For the second time we see the Kane mask in the glass case.

MATCH: Cody Rhodes vs. Alberto Del Rio

Last week Cody was frustrated after his and Goldust’s loss to the Usos and Cody pushed his brother. Can’t they just split up and be singles guys? Why does one have to turn on the other? That’s so cliché. Cody taps to the armbar. WINNER: Alberto Del Rio

Backstage Heyman is whispering to Cesaro about something.

Lana comes out to do her best Brigitte Nielsen, only hotter.

MATCH: Alexander Rusev vs. Xavier Woods

Rusev is in an handicap match Sunday at Extreme Rules against Woods and R-Truth. Rusev was going to end it when R-Truth comes in to break the match up. WINNER: Alexander Rusev by disqualification

They of course get the upper hand tonight because they will get crushed on Sunday.

John Cena made three wishes today, upping his all time Make-A-Wish total to 404.

Renee is with Rob Van Dam, who faces Bad News Barrett in the #1 contenders tourney for the IC Title. Out comes Zeb Colter to offer an alliance to go to war with Heyman but he refuses.

MATCH: Los Matadores (with #midgetmantaur) vs. Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal

So on the Extreme Rules pre-show the two midgets will wrestle. I’ll be sure to stay in the parking lot and keep drinking. Jerry Lawler does a bad joke about AC/DC. And he’s still employed, why? It’s all about the midgets wanting to go at it backstage and the “grown-ups” are just fodder. Meanwhile in the ring Heath Slater pinned one of the Matadores. Wow what an upset. WINNERS: Slater & Mahal

Los Matadores & #midgetmantaur get their heat back after the match, because they need their precious heat.

Sheamus will face Bray Wyatt tomorrow night on the live Main Event.

Out comes Stephanie McMahon to apparently apologize for what Kane did to Daniel Bryan last week on Raw. Stephanie says what happened last week was a senseless tragedy. She said Kane was not meant to do any of that. She asks Daniel Bryan to come out to the ring. Both he and Brie come out, and he has a neck brace on. Daniel says that he almost believed Stephanie for wanting Kane to stop, but he says everyone knows she’s full of crap. Stephanie says she earned that, but she says the truth is she and Triple H didn’t want him to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Daniel now starts sticking up for his wife that she went through many emotions. Is that what this storyline is about now? Brie fucking Danielson? Stephanie says she understands what happened, because she rode ambulances with Hunter and slept in his hospital rooms. Daniel still thinks she’s full of crap. Stephanie says Daniel should come to the ring and look in her eyes. Daniel says the doctors have cleared him for Sunday and if Kane takes him out, he will take Kane with him to Hell. Stephanie still wants to make it right. Stephanie decides to give Brie a Divas Title match against Paige later tonight. Daniel won’t let her go down alone, and Stephanie says that’s fine.

We go back to the glass case, and the mask is gone.

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP: Paige © vs. Brie Bella

I love Paige. She’s got the pasty crazy look with the dark hair and dark eye makeup. Damn she’s hot. Is Nikki the more talented Bella? The match goes for a bit until Kane’s music and pyro hit. WINNER: No Contest

Kane suddenly comes through the ring and tries to pull Brie through the hole. Daniel fights him off with a big wrench and eventually Brie escapes but Kane hits Daniel with a chokeslam. Obviously Daniel is winning Sunday to keep the title but I hope after this feud Brie Bella stays out of her husband’s fights.

Back from break, and the trainers check Daniel Bryan over. Stephanie tries to apologize but Brie calls her a bitch and throws her out.

Renee is with Cena, who apologizes for blowing the other interview off. He isn’t upset at the WWE Universe but he’s gonna buy a donkey for Bray Wyatt for Sunday.

MATCH: Bad News Barrett vs. Rob Van Dam (TOURNAMENT FINALS)

Barrett gets on his podium and says the last time RVD won the IC Title he was in diapers. The winner of this match faces Big E for the Intercontinental Title Sunday. It’s a contrast of styles as RVD is a high flyer and Barrett is a typical European ground-and-pound guy. Cesaro then comes out to distract RVD when Swagger comes out and they brawl. Why are they still feuding? RVD goes for Froggie but Cesaro distracts and shakes him off the corner. RVD slips off the corner and when he recovers he eats a Bull Hammer and Barrett moves on to Sunday. WINNER: Bad News Barrett

Cesaro attacks RVD after the match until Swagger breaks it up. What the fuck is going on here? Is Swagger the face, I have to idea what the hell is going on but Cesaro needs to get out of this hot mess and start something fresh.

We go back to Friday night on Smackdown when the Shield took out all of Evolution’s 11 cronies. There were a lot of recaps and flashbacks tonight. Pure filler.

The Shield cut a great promo in the hallway about Evolution and how to end the run of power.

MATCH: Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns

I can’t wait to hear Motorhead blast at the IZOD Sunday night. It will be the first time I hear Evolution’s theme live since Wrestlemania XX. Triple H says he’s not mad about what the Shield did on Friday. He’s not upset, because the Shield reminds him of…oh yes EVOLUTION. Orton says they are not the new Evolution. Triple H promises Sunday that the Shield will adapt…or perish. Before we start 2001 A Space Odyssey blasts, and out comes the FINAL member of Evolution. Nature Boy Ric Flair. NOW I’M SMILING. Make it 47 World Championships in Evolution right now. He puts over St. Louis, then he puts over his Evolution mates. He says he ran for a long time with the Four Horsemen. Flair says everything has come full circle, and that’s greatness. That greatness is…The Shield. He shakes their hands and Evolution is a bit stunned. Naitch, what gives Champ? We finally start the match. I love when Reigns does that leaping kick on the apron. The other four gentlemen brawl on the outside. Reigns hits the Superman punch on Orton but then joins the brawl outside. WINNER: No Contest

Evolution takes control and the Shield are getting beaten down. The Shield recover and fight back and single Triple H out. They go for the triple bomb but the H escapes. I still think Evolution wins Sunday. With that we’re out.

SCOTT’S TAKE: A solid show to get us to the PPV, but I noticed a bit more fluff tonight and not as many matches. One guy who’s never considered fluff is Graham Cawthon, purveyor of thehistoryofwwe.com and a four-time author. Follow him on twitter @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!

@thehistoryofwwe They might not want to go this route, but if Flair does swerve the Shield … not a bad way to intro Sting.

Hmmmmmmm……..

Author: Scott Criscuolo

Scott Criscuolo is a co-founder of the Place to Be, co-host of the Place to Be Podcast, and was in the radio business for 10 years. He loves all things pop culture, and someday he will be the ghost writer for Triple H's autobiography. Send Scott an email