Scott’s Raw Recap 3/3/14

Not exactly what Chicago had in mind. (Courtesy WWE)
Not exactly what Chicago had in mind. (Courtesy WWE)

Monday Night Raw
March 3, 2014
Chicago, Illinois

We head right into the Allstate Arena in the Second City, starting what could be an epic night. We have an awesome rematch from the Elimination Chamber. Daniel Bryan faces Batista tonight! And right out of the gate Living Colour starts blasting. We see no one and the CM Punk chants start. Out comes…PAUL HEYMAN? Oh shit, it’s going to be one of those nights. Obviously WWE is trying hijack the hijacking crowd. The CM Punk chants are rampant, like that was a big shock. Heyman says he deserves louder and the Chicago crowd obliges. Heyman mocks Punk by sitting Indian style in the middle of the ring. He says he’s going to tell the story of a “Paul Heyman guy”. He says he was a guy that was never really wanted in WWE. WWE thought he was too small to main event WrestleMania. He talks about a guy with tattoos who defied authority. Heyman said he had the balls to say what no one else will. Heyman says he has a pipe bomb of his own, and he says Punk is not here this evening. Oh shit. Heyman doesn’t disagree with disappointment. He says there is someone to blame for why CM Punk isn’t here. That one person that the finger should be pointed at all of the WWE Universe there. Heyman doesn’t care about the boos, because he says the truth hurts. Heyman says when CM Punk was with him, he was the longest reigning WWE Champion in decades. Heyman says the fans took him away from him. Heyman also blames the Undertaker, because Punk’s downward spiral started last year at MetLife Stadium when the Streak couldn’t be broken and Heyman says he needs revenge. He says only one man can conquer the streak. It’s his best friend, Brock Lesnar. Out comes the Beast, and wow what a job by Heyman to totally spin the promo away from Punk and onto himself. Pure genius. We go back to last week when the Deadman emphatically accepted Lesnar’s WrestleMania challenge. The CM Punk chants are still coming down. Brock actually takes the mike and says unlike others, he backs up what he says and that the Undertaker is scared. He rips off names (including Punk) of guys who couldn’t break the streak, and he will. As Brock tries to leave, out comes Mark Henry looking for some payback. They brawl and Brock throws Henry to the ground. He grabs the top steps and cracks Henry in the head with them. He rips apart the announce table, and F5’s Henry onto it, destroying the table. The CM Punk chants return, and Brock mouths “He can’t hear you.”


New Age Outlaws © vs. The Usos

This is probably the night for Jey and Jimmy. They’ve had so many chances here that whenever the announcers says a face team has “this last chance” to win, they usually do. Typical TV fare as the CM Punk chants go back and forth but for the most part the crowd was on their best behavior during it. In what may be the best match they’ve had (and they’ve been consistently good) Jimmy hits the splash off the top rope and Rikishi’s boys have the gold. WINNERS, AND NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Usos

Aaron Paul? Who cares? Wrong night to have a “guest”.

MATCH: Big E vs. Cesaro

We have a couple of hosses going here, as we continue waiting for the big Cesaro face turn. The Real Americans showed some tension last week when Swagger caused his partner to get DQ’ed against the IC Champ. Cesaro swings Big E ten times, then Swagger just runs in to hit a Vader Bomb and DQ his partner again. WINNER: Big E by disqualification

Big E hits the Big Ending on Cesaro and he gets booed for it.

Time for the rematch we’ve all been waiting for.

MATCH: The Shield vs. Wyatt Family

Just let them go. Just like at the Chamber, we get the THIS IS AWESOME chants before a punch is thrown. I feel Rollins is just as showcased as the other two on the team in both this match and the PPV. He is throwing himself everywhere. I have a feeling Cena will get involved somehow. Ambrose (like Swagger) is turning into the weak link as he walks away when Rollins looked for a tag and Reigns is outside. Ambrose locks a Figure Four on Rowan. Harper breaks it. Reigns finally gets involved and a brawl is outside. Suddenly while Ambrose is getting beat down in the ring and goes for a tag Rollins just drops from the apron and walks away. Reigns tries to stop him but Rollins says “You figure it out”. Reigns goes hero and clotheslines Rowan over the announce table. Harper throws himself through the ropes and everybody’s just brawling everywhere, it’s total awesome chaos. Eventually Ambrose eats Sister Abigail as Rollins looks from the ramp. WINNERS: Wyatt Family

A fantastic match, maybe not as good as the EC match but still great. For the first time, there’s legitimate tension within the Hounds of Justice.

Renee is with Batista. He says the Yes Movement is the dumbest thing he’s ever seen. He says Daniel Bryan isn’t a hero he’s a plain weak human like everybody else.

Main Event will be LIVE on the Network Tuesday night, and The Outlaws will invoke their rematch clause for the Tag Straps.

MATCH: Fandango & Summer Rae vs. Santino Marella & Emma

Emma’s entrance theme is intoxicating. I can’t get it out of my friggin’ head. The CM PUNK chants start up again. They are playing up Santino & Emma as two idiots which I don’t think is the greatest of ideas. The crowd starts chanting something else but I can’t gather what it is. The match is typical TV, including Emma’s Tarantula. She dances in between moves, she cracks me up. Emma cranks that awesome submission finisher and gets Summer Rae to submit again. WINNERS: Santino Marella & Emma

They dance afterward and blow fake trombones.

MATCH: Christian vs. Sheamus

Michael Cole said “budding rivalry” like six times in the past five minutes. Christian has like no upper body anymore, he looks like an old man. Even JBL is making fun of him, saying he’s “working out”. I guess Sheamus’ backbreaker is called “Irish Curse”. CM PUNK chants start again. I love how the announcers are talking like Christian has never been a heel before. Cole says “This is a Christian I’ve never seen!” He’s turned heel like six times in 12 years! He was a heel in TNA. The crowd starts chanting THIS IS AWFUL. Ok that’s a bit much, the match isn’t THAT bad. It’s acceptable TV, nothing great but not offensive. CM PUNK chants again. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick on the apron that the crowd no-sold. WINNER: Sheamus

Back from break and Renee is with Sheamus. He says a few words until Christian attacks him and beats him with a spotlight. That’s pretty cool.

MATCH: Bella Twins vs. Aksana & Alicia Fox

YAWN. This is for Ben-Jen. WINNERS: Bella Twins

Out comes Daniel Bryan. As usual, the YES YES YES chants are deafening, particularly tonight. Daniel grabs the mike and says Chicago understands they have a voice. He says everyone has a voice. Daniel just said they are going to hijack Raw! That was absolute genius, take the power out of those idiots’ hands. Daniel says he’s not leaving until either Batista comes down to fight or Triple H comes down to accept his WrestleMania challenge. With that down comes the COO. ON YOUR KNEES DOG. Why would he bring Stephanie out with him? Heel heat is one thing but she’s gonna get hit with a cup of soda. Now the CM PUNK chants really get loud, almost over the Motorhead music. Stephanie admires Daniel’s tenacity but we can’t hear her because she’s getting booed out of the building. Wow Daniel no-sold her. That was awesome. Daniel tells Triple H he wants an answer. He tells Daniel to accept his inadequacies. HHH says no one in this era says they’re not good enough. They make excuses. The crowd may be ready to jump the seats and kick the shit out of him. The CM Punk chants are off the charts and Triple H is trying to yell over them. He says he’s a B+ player, better than his fans. We go old school now with the ASSHOLE chants. Daniel says giving the WWE Universe what they want is good for business. Stephanie starts talking, but nobody cares. She says everything her family has done is for him. They’ve given him everything. This promo is getting long and boring, get to the point. Daniel says she can put on her husband’s boots and he can wear the skirt and they can wrestle April 6. Triple H says Daniel just isn’t good enough for WrestleMania and asks him to leave. Daniel says it’s the WWE Universe’s ring. Triple H throws him out of the ring, Daniel Bryan says make me. Stephanie calls Kane, and Daniel jumps him. Security comes and Daniel Bryan leaves. Obviously this promo was unfulfilling for many. I kind of agree.

The Raw pre and post-show panel is Booker T, Jim Duggan (looking drunk as usual) and Alex Riley.

MATCH: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler

Aaron Paul is with Dolph in a Mustang. Whatever. Not a bad TV match, and Aaron Paul causes a distraction and a Zig Zag gives Dolph the win. WINNER: Dolph Ziggler

Paul was better cooking meth.

We have our fourth inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame, and it’s the late great Paul Bearer. No shock there as he was announced pretty much last year after he died. I think they were trying to fake everyone out thinking it was Undertaker.

MATCH: Big E vs. Jack Swagger

So Big E has to wrestle twice tonight? Weird. Well now I know why as Cesaro immediately comes in and hits Big E with the Neutralizer. WINNER: Big E by disqualification

Cesaro and Swagger jaw with each other until Cesaro was about to swing Swagger around the ring. Zeb stops him and tells Cesaro to help him up. Zeb tries to fix this. He wants them to hug it out. This is silly. They hug. Cesaro’s facial expressions are great, like he’s the intellectual and Swagger’s the meathead.

Daniel Bryan is facing Kane on Main Event tomorrow night. Ok now it’s dragging out too long. Book Daniel Bryan into something and let’s move on.

Out comes John Cena with his left knee taped up. Cena’s got the shit-eating grin on, which clearly means this promo will be terrible. WHY DOES HE NEVER GET ANGRY??? More CM PUNK chants. He won’t be wrestling and the crowd chants YES YES YES. That’s actually funny. He came out to hear the CM PUNK chants. Cena lists all his Allstate Arena moments, like WrestleMania XXII, Money In the Bank 2011 and Extreme Rules 2012. Cena respects this city, even though he always gets booed out of the arena. At least he’s honest. He’s been hearing this whole hijack business. He says change in this company will come and come through him. He calls out Bray Wyatt and talks about when he challenged Kurt Angle back in 2002. The lights go out and The Wyatts are on the TitanTron. Bray says that Cena built this empire and to feel the people’s energy. He spins some tales and says mercy is calling Cena’s name. Bray says he is the Reaper and he will put Cena down.

Batista walks backstage to the ring when WWE World Champion Randy Orton simply tells him good luck.

Out comes Lara who introduces Alexander Rusev. He speaks Bulgarian.

We go back to last week to Hulk Hogan’s return and he was on Today show. Next week on Raw from Memphis Hogan will have a big WrestleMania announcement. So WWE treated this show like a big red herring.

Randy Orton comes down the aisle to watch our main event.

MATCH: Daniel Bryan vs. Batista

If Batista is a heel why does he still do the whole machine gun thing then? That’s a babyface thing. Edge’s intro was different because he always did it as a heel. I love how Batista and Randy Orton are glaring at each other and really nobody gives a shit. Five minutes in and Batista has forced Daniel Bryan to wrestle at half speed. A commercial break at 11:05. That’s rare. Bryan starts to speed things up a bit. The match moves outside and Batista throws Bryan into Orton. They get back in the ring and Bryan is about to hit the running knee when Orton comes in and attacks him. Match over. WINNER: Daniel Bryan by disqualification

Daniel Bryan cleans house and hits Orton with the knee when the champ went after Batista. Bryan throws Kane into Triple H. Bryan looks to throw himself into Triple H when Batista spears him. The CM PUNK chants start up again. Triple H tells Daniel Bryan he’s tired of his fantasy crap and Daniel kicks him in the head. Batista hits the Demon Bomb on Bryan, and then Triple H Pedigrees him. So the ending nobody wanted, they got. With that we’re out.

SCOTT’S TAKE: WWE to Chicago – Fuck you and the hijacking horse you rode in on.

You know who rides a white horse? Well he doesn’t but, it’s Graham Cawthon, the purveyor of Follow him on Twitter @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night.


There’s a “Stephanie opens mouth” joke here somewhere.