Monday Night Raw
March 24, 2014
Brooklyn, New York
We start with last week when Triple H beat the snot out of Daniel Bryan. We now go live inside Barclays Center where we are joined by the incredibly annoying but a most “over” Stephanie McMahon. She’s beaming and I love how she says thank you while everyone is booing. She says Daniel Bryan won’t be here tonight. She agrees what happened last week was disgusting and went too far but it needed to be done. She says the roster needs to know that insubordination will not be tolerated. She says that the YES Movement is a passing fad that will fade soon. She says people like the WWE Universe need to be led by leaders like her. She says for fifty years the McMahon family has led this company and the CM Punk chants get loud for a few moments. Her promos are dreadfully dull, no wonder no one likes her. She says her husband will defeat Daniel Bryan and then win the WWE World Title at WrestleMania. That brings out current champion Randy Orton, who it seems is a proxy babyface. Orton says he’s not going to argue or disrespect, and Triple H will defeat Daniel Bryan, but Orton will have no choice but to defeat everyone to keep his championship. He tells Stephanie that Triple H should beat Daniel Bryan and leave a winner, not a loser. Now out comes Batista, so we have the three most unlikable people in the entire company in the ring at the same time. Even Triple H is more liked than any of these people. What a horrendous way to start Raw. Necessary I guess, but horrendous. Batista says all the chants and bloviating is worthless, he is the next champion. Batista’s mike is cutting out, probably by accident but I guess you never know. Wow this promo is dying a slow, painful death. Stephanie puts herself over by telling Dave his mike isn’t working. Dave points out (correctly) that Triple H has never beaten him. He rips Orton for kissing everybody’s ass and drooling in the Authority. He talks about Stephanie being drooled on before, a lot. Stephanie slaps him and walks out. Batista then spears Orton. With two weeks to go until WrestleMania, this promo was absolutely hideous. We need Daniel Bryan to just win the title April 6 and move on to the next chapter.
Later Michael Cole will have an exclusive interview with Triple H later. Oh and Scooby Doo will be here. He should have been in this opening promo.
#1 CONTENDERS MATCH FOR INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian vs. Sheamus
The winner of this match faces Big E tomorrow night on Main Event for the IC Title. Christian has bruises and cuts all over his chest, I’m guessing from all the pins he’s eating against Sheamus. I don’t think Del Rio has ever gone for a secondary title, and if he has it’s been forever since. I bet its Christian or Del Rio since they’re the heels. I hope Sheamus doesn’t win; he doesn’t need the IC Title and Big E needs to keep the strap for a little while longer. He actually needs more title defenses. The match isn’t bad with the usual Fatal 4-Way flow to it. Pairing off and breaking pins and such. As expected. Dolph zig-zags both Del Rio and Sheamus, but then Christian hits Dolph with the Unprettier for the win. WINNER: Christian
The Wyatts join us and Bray says his usual great vitriol. We even get some Luke Harper promo action. He’s pretty good.
We get a trailer for the Scooby Doo movie.
Sin Cara just came out of the Mystery Machine, and Scooby Doo comes out too. I applaud the cross promotion. If you find this annoying, well it’s just short-sightedness. They need to promote to everybody.
MATCH: Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow
Did Sandow get a haircut? Poor bastard’s going to job to Scooby Doo? He’s still at ringside. He does job. WINNER: Sin Cara
We go back to Friday on Smackdown when the Shield was beaten down by Kane and his heel cronies.
MATCH: Los Matadores vs. Rybaxel
Ugh, really? So Rybaxel is out of the Andre Battle Royal and will now face the Usos for the tag titles at WrestleMania. Cole says its reward from Kane for helping beat down the Shield Friday. Speaking of the Shield they are in the crowd. Axel is distracted and is rolled up. WINNERS: Los Matadores
The Shield surround the ring and then beat Rybaxel down.
Michael Cole is in the ring and he introduces Triple H. We go back to last week again. Triple H says he did what the WWE Universe asked for. He talks about Occupy Raw a couple of weeks ago and how Daniel Bryan put people in harm’s way to get what he wanted. Triple H says that Cole is confusing everything. Is it Triple H the COO or Triple H the competitor that Daniel Bryan asked for? He says when Triple H was a full-time competitor he saw lust for success in the WWE Universe’s eyes, and now it’s all about apathy and crying and whining. Triple H says it’s time to start “The Reality Era” and the reality is that at WrestleMania the reality is Daniel Bryan will be stopped at WrestleMania and this “silly movement” will be stopped. He will also defeat men living off their glory and living off untapped potential to become WWE World Champion. I still feel a fatal four-way for that main event in New Orleans.
MATCH: Fandango vs. Cody Rhodes
Last week Goldust won even though he was busted open and apparently he was pissed off about it. You can tell it irked him pretty good. Lawler wants to date Summer Rae. Good grief, he’s still using the same schtick that annoyed me when I watched the 2002 Royal Rumble earlier in the day. Fandango is distracted by Goldust and Cody hits the Disaster Kick for the win. WINNER: Cody Rhodes
We get a sneak peek at Sabotage, the Ahnold movie, which looks awful.
We are now joined out of break by WrestleMania host Hulk Hogan, and I can’t remember when the last time he was in the borough of Brooklyn. I’m sure he wasn’t at any of those TNA shows in Coney Island. He says he doesn’t want to get all emotional, but he talks about WrestleMania I right there in New York (different borough of course). He puts over that crappy Sabotage movie and he butcher Joe Mangianello’s name. He and Arnold come out. Arnold mentions inducting Bruno Sammartino into the Hall of Fame last year. I was there, and it still gives me chills. Arnold puts over Hogan’s physique, Lord knows why. The Miz comes out to thankfully end this Mutual Admiration Society and says that these guys act tough, when Miz is tough. Miz says he will win the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. Hogan says you’re in “Hogan Country”, and Miz talks about being must see and all the usual one-liners and he does mention beating John Cena at WrestleMania XXVII. He says none of the guys in this ring belong here and Manganiello challenges Miz to move them. Now actors are beating Miz up and Hogan throws him out of the ring. That was a waste of time. Scooby Doo wasn’t, this was. Two movies to pimp in one night? Ugh.
MATCH: Titus O’Neil vs. Big Show
There are an inordinate amount of jobbers in this Andre Battle Royal. Big Show isn’t one of them, and he’ll probably win it. I’m sure they’ll add some NXT guys like Rusev and Bo Dallas. The match is typical power stuff. One punch and it’s over. WINNER: Big Show
Triple H and Stephanie are chatting when the Shield walks in. They are concerned about Kane and the Outlaws. Triple H says it’s all between them, but Stephanie gives them the Real Americans for vengeance.
John Cena is in the bathroom throwing water on his face. Is he hung over? Oh wait he’s supposed to be scared. I get it.
MATCH: John Cena vs. Luke Harper
Cena has his new shirt on, because it’s only been a month since his last one. I’m sure he’ll face Erick Rowan next Monday. You can tell its Brooklyn, as we get a LET’S GO HARPER chant. That’s pretty funny. Lawler actually acknowledges it too. The LET’S GO HARPER chants are not stopping. I’m wondering if this is the time they pull the trigger on the Cena heel turn. Harper has consistently outwrestled Cena the entire match, which really is part of the storyline that Cena’s off his game. Cena recovers and is going for the AA when the Wyatt video quickie comes up, comes back. When it comes back Cena is tied in the ropes with the sheep mask on. Fucking creepy but pretty wild. We get the “THIS IS AWESOME” chant. The crowd is bonkers tonight. WINNER: No Contest
MATCH: Naomi vs. AJ Lee
Naomi still has the rotating cool eye patch from her broken orbital bone. I wonder if the “CM Punk’s Girlfriend punishment” continues. Of course the CM Punk chants start. AJ tries to bail, but out comes Vickie Guerrero who calls AJ a bitch. She announces at WrestleMania that there will be a Vickie Guerrero Divas Invitational where AJ will defend the title against pretty much the entire Divas roster, including Tamina. Wow talk about being punished. I’m not going to list the Divas, but let’s just say it’s against pretty much all of them. WINNER: No Contest
We go back to last week on Main Event where Undertaker mangles Paul Heyman and says he will slay the beast.
We get our final inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame for 2014, and it’s Razor Ramon. Well deserved. This is the “Let’s get these guys in before they die” class. It’s also the crazy misfit Hall of Fame class.
Next week, we have the original WrestleMania main event, when Randy Orton faces Batista.
Daniel Bryan tweeted that he will stop the Authority and win the Title at WrestleMania.
MATCH: Rollins & Ambrose vs. Real Americans
Friday on Smackdown Big Show will face Bray Wyatt. This match is actually quite fun, as both teams really lay into each other. The Shield wins and Cesaro is triple bombed through the announce table. WINNERS: The Shield
Out comes Kane, who announces a six man tag for WrestleMania. He and the New Age Outlaws vs. the Shield.
Back from break and out comes Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman. He puts over the enormity of the Streak, but knows that Brock will break it. Brock says enough’s enough with the talking. Let’s fight now. They wait, and out comes a casket alone at the top of the ramp. The druids come out and the casket is wheeled down the ramp to the apron. Brock kicks the casket over and over as the chanting continues. Brock opens the casket and it’s empty. He barks at the druids. He closes the casket. Brock says he’s leaving, but then the casket opens and Taker is inside. He sits up and gets in the ring. He gets some shots on Brock and is tossed over the casket to the floor. Didn’t Shawn Michaels hurt his back that way? Brock leaves, Taker’s in the ring and we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: A decent show, with nothing crazy or unusual. Good to see another Mania match take center stage. One guy who’s always on center stage is Graham Cawthon, the purveyor of http://www.thehistoryofwwe.com. Follow him on Twitter @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!