Monday Night Raw
November 25, 2013
Uniondale, New York
We do get a memorial screen for Maurice “Mad Dog” Vachon, who died last week. After the opening signature we head right into Nassau Coliseum out on Long Island and we start with the victorious WWE Champion last night at Survivor Series, Randy Orton. Orton sporting a new green t-shirt, actually a pretty cool one. Michael Strahan is our guest host tonight, which I truly couldn’t care less about. Orton’s in the ring and he says he’s owed an apology. He says all the cynics and doubters who didn’t think he’d show up tonight as WWE Champion. He introduces The Authority, so ON YOUR KNEES DOG. Out comes the first couple holding hands. Triple H congratulates Orton as they are very pleased with last night’s win. Triple H says he hand-picked Orton ten years ago and he knew he made the right decision. Stephanie says Orton needed motivation and he got it. Orton’s pissed that the power couple has made it all about themselves. Triple H says when they came out in the main event last night Orton was practically unconscious. So maybe the “non-physical” interference helped in the long run, or there may be a new WWE Champion. Orton snaps, saying he doesn’t need anyone’s help and he is the greatest WWE Champion of all time. That brings out the World Heavyweight Champion John Cena, who also was victorious in Boston last night. Then at the end of the show he got in Orton’s face. Cena introduces himself to Orton as Champion, but Stephanie tells him to get to the point. Cena says the WWE Universe is tired of the office and the crap. The question is “Who is the real Champion”? Cena says we should cut through the administrative BS and Cena challenges Orton to a unification match for both titles. Wow, something I never thought we’d hear. Stephanie says they’ve been talking about this for a while. Orton says there’s a conspiracy, but Triple H tells him to stop whining. Triple H says in three weeks at TLC in Houston, both belts will hang above the ring and the two champions will battle in a TLC match for both belts.
SIX MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: Rhodes Brothers & Rey Mysterio vs. The Shield
So tonight we’re going to have Survivor Series rematches with a tweak here and there. We see a still photo of Reigns’ record-tying four survivor eliminations. All good workers here, but I think it’s time to elevate a couple of these guys to the next level. This is Mysterio’s first Raw since February when he blew his knee out for what, the 7th or 8th time? Reigns goes on another tirade with back to back spears but Cody dropkicks him out of the ring. Ambrose comes from out of nowhere and bulldogs Cody to get the win. WINNERS: The Shield
WWE Universe can vote on what stipulation Dolph Ziggler and Damien Sandow will have in their match. Street Fight, Lumberjack or Hardcore. Aren’t two of those the same?
We return with an edition of Miz TV, with new heel The Miz. He introduces our guest host of Raw tonight, former Giants end and now TV personality Michael Strahan, complete with annoying music. However out comes Titus O’Neil with fake space in his teeth. This is awesome. Miz is definitely a heel as he’s embracing the joke. Titus does the Strahan lisp and he puts over Miz and they kiss each other’s butts. Miz asks about the gap. Titus says the gap is distinctive. Miz says that’s like the gap between the Giants and the playoffs. Well after my DALLAS COWBOYS’ win last night, it’s the truth. The shenanigans continue until the actual Michael Strahan comes out with the awful intro music from before. He rips Miz’s jokes and he likes Titus’ suit but rips the gap. This is a colossal waste of time. Call me a cynic but I have no time for guest hosts and all this other crap. Unless it’s Bob Barker. Strahan says there will be a double team tag team match, whatever that means. The main event tonight is Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena and Big Show. More Survivor Series repeats. Miz then I believe is challenging Strahan to a match. They start jawing with each other when Titus breaks it up. Miz says a simple move could keep him from going to work tomorrow. They try a hip toss and Strahan breaks it up. Now Titus tries the hip toss and Strahan breaks it again. This segment is going too long, as usual for non-wrestling segments on this show. Miz tries again and Strahan blocks a hip toss and delivers one. See that’s wrong. Then Strahan hip tosses Titus. YAAWWWWWWWN. I hope we don’t see him again tonight.
Wow, more installing the app instructions? This is comical.
MATCH: Curtis Axel & Ryback vs. Mark Henry & Big E. Langston
So the booking tonight is pretty much taking last night’s Survivor Series card and mushing it up into similar matches. How irritating. We have the former Paul Heyman guys together again. Maybe they need him again since they’re pretty much losers now? I like Mark Henry with the shaved head. Nice change of pace. Henry pins Axel with the WSS. WINNERS: Mark Henry & Big E. Langston
ELIMINATION MATCH: True Divas vs. Total Divas
I’m not writing all their names again, but it’s the exact same match from last night. Natalya was the sole survivor for Ben Morse’s band of merry divas in Boston, and I think it changes tonight. At one point Summer Rae is all alone against both Bellas and Eva Marie. Brie hits that backbreaker for the win. WINNERS: Who cares
We go back to last week to the hillbilly edition of Raw and the Sandow/Ziggler match.
The Slammys are two weeks away.
Jerry Lawler is in the ring with Damien Sandow. Sandow is pissed that he has to wrestle in circus-like conditions in front of slackjawed halfwits. I agree Sandow.
HAMPTONS HARDCORE MATCH: Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is wearing a John Tavares Islanders jersey to the ring. Cheap pop city there. JBL says they will soon be the Brooklyn Islanders. Actually John, they will still be called the New York Islanders. Typical hardcore match fare with nothing crazy. Because it’s the Hamptons, the weapons are golf clubs and tennis rackets, with the occasional garbage can. We get a fire extinguisher sighting as well as a Fameasser. I know Dolph’s been using the move forever, but Cole has made the point to call it the Fameasser a lot lately. Sandow wins with pretty much a Rock Bottom on a garbage can. WINNER: Damien Sandow
We get a trailer for that ABC Family movie with the Miz.
Backstage Strahan is with Santino Marella, who’s become the WWE’s Court Jester. Up comes Rowan with his lamb mask on, who gives Strahan a mask to put on too. Marella had no idea who he was, then talks about Kelly and turkey.
We have the annual Thanksgiving Smackdown this Friday.
Back from break and Renee Young is in the ring and she introduces CM Punk to his usual raucous ovation. She then introduces Daniel Bryan. Punk and Bryan put over their win last night and say the deck is stacked against them tonight with it being a handicap match. Bryan answers all the questions with YES! They then get to their team name, Beard & Best or GOAT (Greatest of all Teams). Punk jabs Triple H about handicap matches, then he talks about obstacles and he fires off Indy guys including his boy Colt Cabana. Bryan says Bray Wyatt isn’t done playing his games but he says both of them won’t let him finish. Bryan then asks Punk what time it is. IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME! I love this team.
HANDICAP MATCH: CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs. Wyatt Family
Bray Wyatt is in the match this time. Luke Harper is the Roman Reigns of this group, legitimately the best worker on their team. Punk’s wearing his Mets/Islanders tights tonight. Last night he had his Bruins tights in Boston. We begin the dueling CM PUNK/DANIEL BRYAN chants. The match is heel-dominated with some good action. Bryan tries to get Harper in the Yes Lock but Rowan breaks it. Punk breaks a Harper pin attempt. All five guys are brawling in the ring and the referee calls for the bell. WINNERS: No Contest
Punk is clotheslined by Harper in the ring, and then all three Wyatts beat Bryan down and then take him away with them up the ramp. CM Punk tries to go after them but Roman Reigns comes out of nowhere to spear Punk on the floor. The entire Shield puts Punk in the ring and they power bomb him. This is from the Triple H/Handicap match comment. I guarantee it. Maybe this begins the build to Punk regaining the WWE Title at WrestleMania.
The Miz is talking with his co-star from that ABC Family Christmas movie.
MATCH: Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
Wow, ANOTHER Survivor Series rematch! Pretty much the same match as last night. Miz wins with another roll up. WINNER: The Miz
I feel a Kofi Kingston heel turn coming. Anything to change things up.
Mick Foley, complete with Dutch Mantell beard, shills the shop.com stuff. He changes from Mick to Dude Love to Mankind. No Cactus Jack? What a rip.
Jerry interviews the Superstars for Sandy auction winner.
R-Truth is in the ring talking about something with Brodus Clay. So I guess Xavier Woods got the Funkadactyls for his match tonight.
MATCH: Xavier Woods vs. Heath Slater
I love Xavier’s fluffy hair. Wow an original match that wasn’t a Survivor Series leftover. Xavier Woods was “born in a bushel in butcher knives.” Ok. He’s not bad in the ring, a little sloppy with that weird running throat chop or something. Of course he wins. WINNER: Xavier Woods
We get a clip from the “History of WWE” Blu-Ray about Saturday Night’s Main Event, and how from 1986-1991 it beat Saturday Night Live in the ratings. That absolutely does not surprise me.
The Bellas are with Michael Strahan and they admitted they were Eagles fans. No wonder I can’t stand them. Now the Funkadactyls get their footballs signed. Shouldn’t Brie be looking for her fiancé Daniel Bryan? Goldust does his noise to Strahan.
The 2K14 poll is who was the Rock’s greatest WrestleMania opponent: Austin, Cena or Hogan. Austin wins with 66%. At least that one wasn’t rigged.
Of course Strahan has the obligatory chat with Cena, who I guess was on his show this morning.
MATCH: Randy Orton & Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena & Big Show
No one cares about ANY of these guys right now. Maybe Cena, but definitely no one else. If Orton was fired and went to TNA or ROH, no one would care. I’m sorry that’s the truth. I feel bad for Del Rio because he’s busted his ass all year as both a face and a heel and he’s gotten lost in the shuffle. The match is pretty standard fare, and I like that move where Del Rio misses a dive and flies between the ropes and hits the floor flush. Del Rio eventually drills Show with a kick, and after last night’s Orton punt he’s in la-la land. Big Show is confused and disoriented. Orton & Del Rio attack Show’s head, but he’s kicked out of pins. In comes the doctor to check on Big Show. We resume and Orton’s after Show’s head again. Cena’s tagged in and Del Rio works him over. The heels definitely have dominated this match. But what does that matter, as Cena eventually gets the STF on Del Rio and he taps out. WINNERS: John Cena & Big Show
Cena is attacked by Del Rio after the match. Cena gives Del Rio with AA but then Orton clocks Cena with the WWE Title belt. He grabs Cena’s World Title belt and holds both belts over his head. With that we’re out.
SCOTT’S TAKE: Other than Punk’s promo and his match, this show was utter crap. Nothing but Survivor Series rematches and bad promos. Michael Strahan brought nothing to the table.
Don’t forget to follow our good friend Graham Cawthon at @historyofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!
@historyofwwe “Soooo … Sounds like I’m not missing much tonight”
No Graham, you didn’t.