Oh hi! I didn’t see you there! Greetings Superstars Nation! I am truly humbled to be your faithful correspondent in addition to my other and, believe me, less glamorous role I serve on this website as Kevin Kelly’s “intern.” The things I need to do for that man I wouldn’t wish upon my most treacherous enemy. Be that as it may, I am happy to serve you the nonstop action of WWE Superstars each and every week. I feel time doesn’t move fast enough during the six days we’re apart. Now for the 12 people that still have Hulu, this will sound like I’m repeating myself, but give it another week and soon everyone will be able to share in the bountiful greatness that is this program when the WWE Network launches. Oh I can’t wait! Finally Superstars will get it’s due. But until then, you have me to capture the sights and sounds WWE can cram into 47 or so minutes. So sit back, read that Roku 3 instruction manual some other time and let’s head down to ringside!
Your announcers tonight are Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton. Yay.
CODY RHODES (W/GOLDUST) VS. CURTIS AXEL (W/RYBACK)
This match reminds me of those extra hype shows WWE used to put on a week or so before a pay-per-veiw aired. You may recall “The March to Wrestlemania” or the “Survivor Series Showdown” from the late 80’s or early 90s. Basically you would get a quick preview of what you might see on the super card giving you another reason to nag your parents to let you order the show the following week. It worked like a charm in the McGinn household let me assure you. In any event, it was announced this week that Cody and Goldy would square off with the heatless “Rybaxel” tag-team during the kickoff to Sunday’s Elimination Chamber PPV. I’m sure it will be a fun little match and because of it, we get this unexpected Superstars treat.
Quite the interesting pairing between these two as it was revealed by the announcers that Dusty once tagged with Larry “The Axe” Hennig back in the 70’s. These two had Professional Wrestling in their blood even before they were a twinkle in their respective mother’s eyes. A wealth of wrestling history and knowledge on display in this one especially when you include a vet like Goldust on the outside. Now on the other end of the spectrum, you have Ryback – never missing a chance to be a jackass – wearing a Seattle Seahawks winter hat in a Colorado arena.
It doesn’t happen often, but we actually get a commercial during our first segment. Cody did nail that awesome springboard off the top turnbuckle cross-body to Axel on the floor before we hit the break. I wolfed down five Thin Mints during that time and sent a pair of texts to Aksana because I’m a great guy. Axel regained control starting our face-in-peril segment. He mostly was using a brawling style but did bust out a few Mr. Perfect-like maneuvers. Goldust played cheerleader on the outside but that didn’t stop Curtis from delivering a kneelift or two. Axel attempted a back drop suplex but was thwarted by an elbow followed by a Cody moonsault. Rhodes on the comeback trail hit his usual spots including a missile dropkick as well as a disaster kick to Ryback for good measure. Goldy finished off the big guy and Cody “dusted” Axel with the Cross Rhodes for the 3-count. WINNER: CODY RHODES
A rare match that was given plenty of time to tell a good story. The depth of wrestling talent on the roster is pretty substantial when you consider that these two will be on the free Youtube match before the actual PPV begins.
After a timeout, we go to Raw on Monday as John Cena speaks to the Universe about what it will mean to win the main event on Sunday. He says the winner will go down in history after emerging victorious and then will go on to WrestleMania to face Batista. Had he not said that, I might have forgotten Batista was even still in the company. That guy with his porno outfits, lack of mic skills and has been on TV for all of five minutes since the Rumble is headlining WrestleMania? Really? That guy?
I did enjoy the interaction though between Cena and Cesaro in this segment. Cena tried his patronizing promo but Cesaro can hang with the big dogs now and I look forward to seeing him devour some people in the chamber.
One more observation and then I’ll move on. Christian is in this match and I love it and it’s not just because I’ve been a fan since The Brood or that his theme song is my ringtone. It is because he puts on terrific matches, can work with anyone in any environment and when given the chance, he can kill it on the mic. So WWE here’s tip from a rather huge “Peep” out there. Give the guy named “Captain Charisma” a microphone every once in a while. You might just like what you hear. I’m just saying!
After all that, we get the conclusion to the epic Cesaro/Cena showdown from Monday night. A real show stealing moment for the artist formerly known as Antonio. In a relatively short period of time, he went from the guy people were asking, “Why is that guy in the chamber,” to the guy everyone can’t wait to see on Sunday. I can’t really say too much more about this match besides it is worth seeing again and again! When they do the Best of Raw DVD, this will no doubt be on it.
THE BELLA TWINS & NATALYA VS. SUMMER RAE, TAMINA SNUKA & EVA MARIE
Oh God! What did I do to deserve this? I wish there was a way I could step out from my own recap and have my newest Twitter follower, Ben Morse (@BenJMorse), write this match for me. Maybe if I keep plugging other things like Jen & Ben’s Total Divas column or the rumored Legend’s House Report with Scott Criscuolo and Dan McGinn, then maybe we can all forget that this match even happened. I mean, Eva Marie? This also throws out my Total Divas Annihilation Theorem I introduced in December because we actually have Total Divas on both teams. Aww Geez!
Here are the lowlights: Summer dances, Nikki does the worm, Summer keeps stealing tags from Eva which might be a good thing, fans actually cheer for the Bellas, Tamina forced to job to lesser talents, a melee ensues, Tamina misses the superfly splash and Natalya never legally enters the ring. What a shame! Oh by the way, Tamina eats the pin on the Bella Buster so the Theorem of Total Divas annihilating the non-total divas was once again proven correct. I guess this match wasn’t a total loss! WINNERS: THE BELLA TWINS & NATALYA
Our last segment sees Randy Orton finally complete his gauntlet by facing Sheamus in our main event from Monday. Not bad even though it played second fiddle to that great Cena/Cesaro bout. I think that’s why they did some crazy stuff such as that announce table spot on free TV. All in all, this was probably as good of a go home Raw as we are going to see all year. It was a bit cliché to see everyone storm the ring to end the show but the big news was that we finally got to see The Shield and Wyatt Family explode. This was so reminiscent of 1997 WCW when for weeks we were glued to our seats just waiting for Sting to finally get his hands on the N W O. Finally he would touch down in the center of the ring and clobber everyone in sight and the whole arena would come unglued. That was my first thought when Bray and Roman connected with those lefts and rights. Way to “finish strong” WWE.
And that does it Nation. You take the sweet with the sour here on Superstars and this week delivered a taste of both. When we meet again, the Chamber will be conquered, Hulkamania will be running wild, the Network will be launched and Kevin Kelly will dare me to eat recalled Hot Pockets.
It’s going to be the best week ever!