McGinn’s WWE Superstars Recap 12/5/13

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Ho Ho Ho Superstars Nation! 2013 is almost over and the weather is getting colder but we are scorching red-hot on your favorite Thursday but sometimes Friday night addiction Hulu brings to us once a week. Not too many more shopping days until Christmas and only a handful of WWE Superstars episodes left before the dawning of a new year. Personally, my week has gone about as well as that turnip casserole you might have begrudgingly served at Thanksgiving but now it’s been a week and it’s starting to develop fur. But I am over the moon to be able to present you with 43 action-packed minutes of heart-stopping action! As for me week, you can’t win them all they say.  No, I’m not crying, it’s just been raining on my face! Okay, keep it together. Let’s head down to ringside!

Your announcers tonight of course are Tom Phillips and the super pumped Alex Riley.

KAITLYN VS. AKSANA

Divas action kicks us off and much to the chagrin of my lovely mother, the Funkadactls are not involved. I am not one for predictions but lately when it comes to these matches, I consult the Total Divas Annihilation Theorem which states “if you are not starring in the new reality program, “Total Divas,” you will suffer many of tremendous defeats at the hands of the stars of Total Divas.” I’m not saying I disagree with it because let’s face it, that show has made the Divas division even borderline interesting of late. I’m just saying when two “True Divas” collide, it really could be anyone’s ballgame.

So with that said, Kaitlyn wins this easily. Most of this match was spent talking about the huge news that Kaitlyn is now engaged to a president of a nutrition company. Apparently you can hear the whole story about how he proposed by visiting WWE’s official website. Or you could do what I did which was to grab a bottle of wine into the shower and cry my eyes out until the water got cold.

Like most openers lately, very little time for this one. Kaitlyn played face-in-peril for most of the match before mounting a comeback and hitting her gut buster and spear for the W. Perhaps this will get the former Divas Champion back on track after being pushed to the background during this Total Divas angle. Finally, even in defeat, I think Aksana is getting better in that sensual heel role and I would probably say yes if she ever were to ask me out. WINNER: KAITLYN

We flash back to Raw when CM Punk calls out the Authority and we get that hilarious exchange between the Best in the World and Corporate Kane. You remember the Devil’s Favorite Demon and Undertaker’s brother right? Well I’m glad Kane has been given something to do since his heel and personality turn and it almost looks like Punk is trying to hold back laughter when Kane talks in all legal speak. I was skeptical at first but I think I’m going to enjoy everything Corporate Kane does moving forward. In case you missed it, this all will lead to a handicap match between Punk and all three member of The Shield at the TLC pay-per-view. Thanks Creative!

Speaking of which, Korn has the official theme song of TLC. It’s like they broke into my music collection in 1998. I can’t wait until they really get current and give Semisonic the official Royal Rumble theme in January.

After the break, we join Raw’s monster six-man tag match between The Shield against the Rhodes Brothers and the Big Show. Couple comments here. I guess they read my last recap and changed their minds about Show’s concussion issues thank God. Next, the Shield is great for business but these six-man encounters are getting so old. People much smarter than me keep saying they will break up and go on their own soon and there is no doubt in my mind that all three will be successful. This was a fun match and very much a diamond in a 3-hour rough.

THE USOS VS. 3MB (MAHAL & MCINTYRE)

Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa WWE! What gives? When I signed up for a Superstars recap, I wanted some random fluff matches with no heat or storyline implications. What I did not sign up for was you running the EXACT SAME MATCH you booked for Main Event just one day earlier! What this means is if you attended both Raw and Smackdown this week, you were treated to this contest on Monday AND Tuesday. And if you watch both secondary programs, you saw it again on Wednesday AND Thursday!  I suppose it could be much worse… Great Khali might have been involved! I repeat, this is not a flashback to the previous episode of WWE Main Event. (Don’t forget to read Ryan’s Main Event Recap right here on placetobenation.com, your pop culture home!)

The Usos are getting to the point where they might be too good for Superstars. All their matches are entertaining, they have a wonderful move set. If this were the 1980s, they would be called “Tag-Team Specialists” with all their aerial spots and double-team maneuvers. The E has painted themselves into a corner by having the Rhodes holding the gold but it has got to be a matter of time before this Samoan set of brothers to have gold around their waists.

3MB is without the help of their lead singer, Heath Slater, who is nursing a vocal cords injury. That doesn’t stop the remaining two band mates from working over the knee of Jimmy Uso. Riley though nearly lost me when he said that 3MB is a serious threat in the tag team division. That’s like saying Color Me Badd is a real threat to join the Rock and Roll Hall-of-Fame someday!

I might be biased, but this match was better than Wednesday night’s affair only because of the added story telling of the injured leg. 3MB wasn’t just put out there to be slaughtered and these four guys were given a little more time for some good old fashion ring psychology. Otherwise, it was shockingly like watching the exact same match! Jay got the hot tag, crushed two super kicks on Mahal and McIntyre followed by Jimmy, on one leg, hitting the Superfly splash and it’s all over but the shouting! WINNERS: THE USOS

The evening concludes with an actual Raw Rebound brought to you by WWE Magazine. This package of clips featured the closing moments of Monday night’s program including the biggest contract signing in WWE history and the ensuing beatdown between John Cena and Randy Orton. I love this match and this rivalry has been going on since their OVW days. But is TLC really the time and place to have this epic unification match? Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be celebrating the end of brand extension and two world champions – a move that nearly killed my wrestling watching career years ago – like everyone else. I just never thought TLC was a big enough show to host such a monumental, company altering matchup. I will give huge props to Cena’s promo though which probably sold a few PPV buys this week.

In closing, we got a divas match and a repeat bout you probably weren’t asking for. Hard to ignore the recent stories about WWE Creative getting nervous but at least tonight’s show got you in the mood for some tables, ladders and chairs. See you next week. Aksana… Call me!

Author: Dan McGinn

Dan McGinn is a former Minor League Baseball announcer, a five-star General in the #sweatervestarmy and an all around babyface who you should be happy to take home to dinner. He also happens to write about wrestling.