Nation, we meet again! It’s good to be back. I am happy to report that Scott is enjoying his Monday night retirement. He sent me pictures of him sipping drinks out of a pineapple and shuffle boarding on the deck of his yacht. Of course, he was wearing an Evolution shirt at the time, but we won’t hold that against him. I’d be doing the same if I am able to go that long watching non-Hulu Raw each week. Until that day comes, I’m glad you are out there for it truly is fans like you that will keep me from going homicidal every time I see another ad for Sonic. My kingdom for a chance to punch that guy on the passenger side in his stupid face! Gosh I hope Stephanie is still in jail when this show starts! So let’s sit back, decide which Red Sox we want to see traded for later and let’s head down to ringside!
Monday Night Raw
July 28, 2014
Houston, TX
Your announcers tonight are Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler.
Oh sweet child of mine! We start with MORE highlights of that Steph/Nikki/Brie fiasco from last week? Should I just quit now? Who over there at Titan Towers hates me? How is this the biggest storyline entering SummerSlam? Now I wish I pushed harder for the Smackdown beat. Only playing Matt Peddycord! I do love how they ended with Heyman and Brock. That at least gives me some hope.
And speaking of which, THE CHAMP IS HERE! After a one week of breaking all our hearts with his absence, Cena is back and he looks like he has a great deal to say. He is still doing the two belt look, but I don’t see that lasting much longer. Brock/Cena II is going to be incredible by the way! I’ll just say it now because I’ll likely forget to say it in the next three hours. Cena seems downtrodden as he speaks and who can blame him since Triple H went with Plan C. He calls himself a marked man and that The Authority hired a mercenary to rid the Cenation of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. He also acknowledged the cheers last week and admitted that many want Brock to beat the hell out of Cena at SummerSlam. I would be pretty morose too if I thought more than half of my readers wanted to see me get my ass kicked.
He also believes he will get the beating of a lifetime in LA just as Heyman predicted last week. He will not lay down and he will fight while also proclaiming that he will beat Lesnar much like he did in 2012. And now out comes my dad’s favorite, Mr. Paul Heyman. He introduces himself, of course, and says that the Beast will conquer John Cena. Heyman tells Cena he is about to become a “victim” for the first time in his career, much in the same way that Undertaker experienced at Mania. Paul E says at SummerSlam, John will be “beaten, victimized and conquered.”
Cena then starts an ECW chant to prove a point that he and Heyman each once shared a passion for the business. Paul with his former company and The champ with WWE and those belts. Meanwhile, Lesnar has no passion for anyone or anything. Cena passionately tells the advocate that Brock will have to beat every last breath out of him because he is holding on to the title at SummerSlam. Then out of the blue, Cesaro shows up. He starts throwing 6th grade insults at Cena culminating by saying “you can’t wrestle.” The King of Swing challenges John to a fight and, you guessed it, the match is accepted! Holy cheese and crackers Batman! What an opener!
JOHN CENA VS. CESARO
I used the commercial break to cool off after that scorching promo by Cena. This was an awesome match back in February leading into the Elimination Chamber PPV as you recall. Heyman does not join Cesaro at ringside since their relationship officially ended this month. Pretty good action as each man traded wrestling holds and anytime the former Claudio got an advantage, you can hear him talking trash about Cena’s wrestling ability. Cena to his credit did pull out that hurricanrana he throws out every 10 months or so. After the break, Cena countered the swing with a sunset flip. I feel like the mics are still running hot because I believe I can hear them calling all the moves in the ring. Whatever they called next was amazing as Cesaro scored with that amazing super plex in the corner. The King of Swing lived up to his name (despite the internet reports) spinning John like a top and then applied a funky submission hold until Cena responded with his five moves of doom. The ending was fast and furious as Cesaro tried a top rope cross body only to have Cena roll through it. He attempted an AA, but Cesaro landed on his feet in a unique looking spot. He then kicked Cena in the face and clobbered the champ with a Euro uppercut. Sensing triumph, Cesaro again went up top, but Cena caught him and delivered a devastating AA off the top turnbuckle for the three count. Both guys looked like millions and this match is a must-watch! Forecasts of Cesaro’s demise might be greatly exaggerated because he still has the appearance of a stud on this night. WINNER: JOHN CENA
We go to the back and much to my chagrin, Stephanie is not in prison. She is crying about her time in the big house as Triple H consoles her before Randy Orton interrupts. He does what he does best and bitches about losing his SummerSlam title shot to Lesnar. Hunter explains that plans change and furthermore, Orton won’t get a shot as long as Roman Reigns is in the picture. Orton vows to rid the WWE of Reigns, but we are told that Kane will get the first crack at Roman tonight. Orton says he now has a problem with both Kane and Triple H as we go to break. Grow a pair Randy!
Awesome psychology as Paige skips down the aisle with a devious grin on her face fresh off her beatdown of AJ last week. She has a microphone and wants to set the record straight. Paige still considers AJ her best friend and she let her emotions get the better of her. She called her actions deplorable and promises never to act that way ever again. Oh boy, here comes out Divas Champion now. We get some CM Punk chants and some Casper jokes, most likely because Paige is quite pale. AJ says if Paige wants to be like her, stop playing games and be a real woman. Paige then makes the unforgivable mistake of calling Lee crazy. Oh geez! Never spit on a roller coaster, never tug on Superman’s cape, never break a glass jar at Justin Rozzero’s house and never EVER call the Divas Champion crazy! They brawl a bit, though Paige quickly escapes. Much louder CM Punk chants follow as Paige pleads with AJ that they are supposed to be friends. Is it just me or is this an actually well thought out and tremendously booked divas angle?
Behold the King, the King of Kings of course! Oh and Stephanie too. I guess we’re not getting anymore matches this hour. After the 337th replay of the slap and assault charges from a week ago, the Houston crowd serenades The Authority with a “jail bird” chant. Triple H is disgusted and angry as Stephanie sheds some tears. Raucous “Yes” chants follow and the COO continues to boil over. He says he will never forgive the Universe for laughing at them. Hunter says all the charges were dropped except for the assault and battery charge. As a result, Brie was asked to come to Raw to clear the air but all of a sudden, Y2J’s music erupts. Oh boy!
Jericho expresses his sympathy by singing the Cops “Bad Boys” theme and the fans all join in. Hilarious! He makes an Orange is the New Black reference and says moments like last week are reasons why the WWE Network was created. Y2J then points out the obvious question of why he didn’t join his wife at the police station. His theory is that Hunter finally realizes that Stephanie is a “filthy, dirty, brutal, bottom feeding trash bag ho!” Hunter blows his top, as you would imagine, and tells Jericho to focus on Bray Wyatt. Y2J wants Wyatt like a fat kind wants cake, but HHH says he has to wait until SummerSlam. As for tonight, he will get Seth Rollins who proceeds to blind side our hero with the briefcase. Awesome segment that made me nostalgic for the Jericho/Stephanie/HHH of yesteryear. Between this and the Cena promo, this show has delivered in the talking segments so far!
The Network is doing Sunday Night SummerSlam all month long starting with 1998 this weekend. If you are reading this and still haven’t ordered this sports entertainment Nirvana, put this down and get on with it already! If you still don’t think it’s worth it to fork over the $10 a month, you are just a bad person.
DOLPH ZIGGLER & THE USOS VS. THE MIZ & RYBAXEL
I love the Miz wearing sunglasses inside as much as I enjoy seeing the term “jailbird” trending during this episode. It also reminds me of the Corey Hart classic “Sunglasses at Night” which might be playing on my iPhone as I type this. Following a break, Xavier Woods and his new crew come out to ringside. They are all wearing civvies and look as if they just walked out of a commercial for Men’s Warehouse. Dolph gets the hot tag and cleans house. After a flurry involving all parties, Ziggy drops Ryback with the zig-zag for the win. Dolph is rolling like a hunchback doing somersaults right now and we can only hope the powers that be are taking notice. Xavier and company do nothing. What a waste! WINNERS: DOLPH ZIGGER & THE USOS
R-TRUTH VS. BO DALLAS
YES! I feel like I can do anything now that the inspirational one has joined us. He says that Truth can never be undefeated like him and even points out that he has lost oodles of matches in his career. He says that he too can someday be victorious if he Bo-lieves! After a takedown, he takes a premature victory lap around the ring to a huge ovation. His celebration, however, was quite short-lived since when he reenters the ring, Truth schoolboys him for the flash pin. WHAT?!? The streak is over! This is shocking! I am beyond shocked. How is this possible? Is life even worth living now? Say it ain’t so Bo! Not surprisingly, Dallas is a sore loser and beats the holy hell out of Truth after the bell. I’m still speechless. Shut up Scott! WINNER: R-TRUTH
Lana speaks and all I hear is the sound of me yawning. I’m surprised they are even letting her talk this week after cutting her off amidst all the controversy last week. Blah, blah, Putin, blah and we even get some Obama/Bush bashing though I swear I heard some face pops for “W.” Out comes Zeb and Swagger. I’ve sincerely enjoyed Colter’s passionate pro-American promos because you know they are from the heart and not off a sheet of paper. Once the talking was over, Swagger charged the ring and leveled the Russian before taking several trips into the barricade. Jack attempts and ankle lock in the ring, but Rusev escapes. We have dueling flag waving as we go to break. Awesome spot for Swagger and I smell another SummerSlam match!
ADAM ROSE VS. NEIL ARMSTRONG?
Houston, we have a problem! Damien Sandow is dressed like an astronaut. For the love of all that is holy, what did this guy do? How is he going to wrestle in that space suit? Rose calls him a sour little space man and encourages him to be a rosebud. Not much to say. Rose hits his finisher in less than a minute. Yikes! WINNER: ADAM ROSE
ROMAN REIGNS VS. KANE
Aww geez Luther! Orton blindsides Reigns in the crowd but Roman had the upper hand regardless. He Superman punches both guys but later gets caught with a demonic choke slam. Kane exits while Orton takes Reigns to the woodshed. After a series of steel stair spots, and a DDT off the retaining wall, the Viper delivers an RKO through the announce table! The bad news for Roman is the table didn’t break the first time so being the nice guy that he is, Randy does it again! That’s what you get for stealing from the Apex Predator! You want your ballyhooed WrestleMania moment son, you are going through a few tables first! The best news in all of this, we didn’t have to see Kane wrestle. WINNER: NO CONTEST
FANDANGO VS. DIEGO (W/EL TORITO, LAYLA & SUMMER RAE)
Hubba Hubba! In the immortal words of Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers, Oh my lord! All I can say is, Layla and Summer are dressed like slutty matadors which you all know is the best kind of matador! Torito distracts Fandango when they both go up top. Diego surprises him with a roll up and this one is history. Fandango confronts his ex’s but takes a gore from Torito for his troubles. WINNER: DIEGO
Backstage, Steph asks Nikki to see Brie. Nikki hopes Steph likes the taste of crap. I didn’t know Steph was having Taco Bell later. Let’s move on!
Will Stardust and Goldust ever find this cosmic key they are looking for? Goldy seems to think he will have it soon but then takes a face full of gold glitter thus ending a segment that will without question be more amusing than this next match.
NATALYA & NAOMI VS. CAMERON & ALICIA FOX
Naomi immediately goes after Cameron but neglects to recognize Fox who throttles her with a scissors kick. After a tag, Cameron quickly submits to a leg scissors hold by her former partner and I’m guessing this match won’t make it to Hulu. WINNERS: NATALYA & NAOMI
CHRIS JERICHO VS. SETH ROLLINS
So Y2J officially gets Wyatt at SummerSlam where perhaps he will finally put Bray over strong. One never really knows with Wyatt but he needs a win as much as I need a first date that doesn’t suck. Anyway, this is a nice little gem on our hands as these two exhibit some instant chemistry. A plethora of counters and quick strikes dominate the first half. As I’ve stated before in this space, Rollins is a sick bumper and Jericho can work a broom to at least three stars so the ingredients were there for a tremendous TV match. Jericho nearly got the win on a high cross body from upstairs, but Rollins countered by launching Y2J into the corner. Mr. Money in the Bank missed a curb stomp attempt though Jericho ate an enziguri while trying for the the Walls. Out of the blue, Jericho nailed a codebreaker after catching Rollins in midair, but on cue the Wyatts arrived and assaulted Y2J. WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO BY DQ/NO CONTEST
The match did exactly what it had intended. Rollins looked good against a superior opponent but didn’t have to lose cleanly. Jericho still has it and gave the kid all he could handle while furthering his story with Bray and the Wyatts. If only all of the midcard feuds were done up like this.
Smackdown Alert: Jericho vs. Rowan. Main Event anywhere in the country. It is going to be a happening. Irresistible force meeting the immovable object. God, I miss 80’s!
Our show is actually concluding with more Steph/Brie horse hockey? Steph begins by expressing her embarrassment. She can’t nearly be as embarrassed as I am having to write about this. She brings up her daughters being teased at camp. They are scarred for life and to make matters worse, no more play dates! Oh merciful heavens! If I didn’t want to stick my head in the oven before, Brie comes out of the crowd and once again calls Steph a bitch. McMahon wants Brie to drop all the charges. Being the bigger person, Brie tells Steph to go to hell which is where I am right now. McMahon then offers to give Nikki a raise to get her to drop all charges. Brie can accept that so long as she also gets her job back. (Wait, didn’t she quit her job in the first place?) Steph agrees but as she walks away, Brie informs her of another demand. She would like a match at SummerSlam and, lo and behold, she wants to face Stephanie in that match! BOOM! Did not see that coming! Actually, that was quite obvious but I wanted to be dramatic.
Steph refuses and won’t lower herself to fight at SummerSlam so Brie tells her she won’t drop the charges. So naturally, the charges now become the stipulation for their match in three weeks. Brie will drop the charges if Steph accepts the match. A teary-eyed McMahon takes the match under those conditions and then slaps Brie off the ring apron. A girl fight ensues and it takes several men in suits to break up these two crazy bitches. In a moment of desperation, I attempted to console myself with a pack of Gushers, but alas, I didn’t have anymore. Between this and Bo Dallas losing, I may cry myself to sleep.
One guy who only cries in his sleep when he thinks about King of the Ring 1995 is Graham Cawthon, purveyor of thehistoryofwwe.com. Follow him on twitter @thehistoryofwwe. Here’s Graham’s Raw Tweet of the Night!
Trash bag hoe lines never get old #rawhouston
Truer words were never spoken.
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