Monday Night Raw
December 15, 2014
Place to Be Nation! Your Monday Night addiction is finally here. Hopefully so far this week you were able to avoid those pesky malfunctioning television monitors which could blind you and thus prevent you from reading this week’s recap. Sorry Dean. Anyway, if the Royal Rumble is the starting point on road to WrestleMania, then we are on that little connector road you have to take in order to reach the highway. You know the one that has the last gas station and Starbucks before you depart on the trip of a lifetime? Consider this article your white chocolate mocha! Our destination tonight is Detroit and we’re on the heels of another polarizing pay-per-view effort by the folk at Titan Towers. Will we get all the answers? You have a better chance of explaining the last episode of Lost to me. But let’s take a deep breath and find out how Creative gets us psyched for the “Granddaddy of Them All.”
Your announcers tonight are Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry “The King” Lawler.
The countdown clock starts us off signalling the appearance of Y2J, Chris Jericho. Welcome to Raw… Is… Jericho! We are reminded that he was the recipient of the Extreme Moment of the Year Slammy Award and this week he will serve as our guest General Manager. Thank God they didn’t stick with the stupid Anonymous Raw GM. He says tonight is about all the Jericholics both in the arena and at home. Good, I’m glad this week isn’t about all the corporate suites and the sponsors. Such a relief!
Next he addresses Fandango (who he calls a Tangoing Troll), who you may recall accepted the Slammy Award on Y2J’s behalf when he was unable to attend the award show. Jericho then recycles all his old material he used back in 2013 when he used several different variations of his former Mania opponent’s name. Who can forget Fan-Dung Hole and Fan-Dingo? He calls out the dancer personally to bring back his trophy but before that could happen, out comes Paul Heyman.
As always, the advocate for Brock Lesnar introduces himself to the crowd and admits to being a Jericholic. Heyman though makes the case that he should in fact be the one running Raw tonight and says he has a beef with Y2J. Like all of us, he thinks that it’s a joke that Jericho won the Extreme Moment of the Year (ECW Chants). The due verbally spar over this ending with Jericho calling Heyman the walrus! Jericho then says that Paul ripped him off and said that he owed Jericho $200 since 1995.
Heyman isn’t out there to fight with Y2J however as it seems his real beef is with Mr. Money in The Bank, Seth Rollins. The bee in Paul’s bonnet is because Rollins had a chance to take John Cena out of the title picture an by extension, out of the business of his client, Brock Lesnar. Of course, Rollins failed at TLC to accomplish that goal and now Heyman has some choice words for the “Future of WWE.” Paul E. is talking mighty tough next to Y2J but his tune quickly changes when Rollins, accompanied by J&J Security, head down the aisle to the worst theme song in company history.
Rollins gets all up in Heyman’s business which doesn’t sit well with the advocate. Seth then revisits the past by telling us that he basically got screwed at the last two special events and declares that John Cena cannot beat him on his own. He has had enough of John Cena and calls the franchise a coward. This is followed by a challenge by Rollins for a rematch but not one tonight because of the hell he went through on Sunday. Though a rather miffed Cena decides to enter the equation and tells Rollins that he lost and has no testicles. He says a man doesn’t complain and make excuses. He picks himself up and fights again. He then turns around to address Heyman saying that he will take on The Beast for the gold at the Royal Rumble. Cena is still looking for a fight tonight. He agrees with Rollins in that he can’t beat him without help and wonders who could help him in making a match tonight between Cena and Rollins. Jericho grabs the mic and makes his first huge announcement of the evening by declaring that Rollins will face Cena in a rematch which will take place in the confines of a steel cage.
Jordan Duncan and company went nuts but the segment didn’t end there. Rollins started directing his anger away from Cena and onto our guest GM and kept firing jabs suggesting that Jericho is washed up and couldn’t beat anybody. He couldn’t beat the popcorn vendors or even Paul Heyman. Jericho took the bait and said that he could still beat Heyman and Paul E. agreed with that assumption. Y2J get so excited about the prospect of this, that he made another match between himself and Heyman for tonight and the Universe got to pick what kind of match it would be. Terrific reverse psychology there on the part of Rollins. He still had beef with Heyman so he projected his anger onto Jericho who in turn found a way to stick it back in Paul’s face. Someone back there has their thinking cap on tonight.
Super Smackdown Live plus Tribute to the Troops are on USA this week. No, I will not be writing about either. But you can by hitting us up at firstname.lastname@example.org. Tell Brad, McGinn sent you!
The choices for the match you never thought you’d see between Jericho and Heyman are: A) Extreme Rules Match, B) No Holds Barred or C) Street Fight. Am I missing something? Aren’t those all the same match? I’m not sure I’m putting my money on Heyman.
LUKE HARPER & THE BIG SHOW VS. ERICK ROWAN & DOLPH ZIGGLER
Dolph is our new Intercontinental Champion and the recipient of several stitches following his ladder match victory over Harper on Sunday. Rowan, meanwhile, is the first-ever loser of a boring stairs match with Show. Natually, Ziggy is our face-in-peril bumping like a crackhead for his larger adversaries. What a sick match that opener was last night. My mother saw it and never wants to watch a pay-per-view ever again. That being said, it’s hard to go wrong when two studs like Harper and Ziggler lead off your special event. After a solid beating that lasted through the commercial, Ziggy tagged in “Big Red” who cleaned house for a while and even drilled Show with a spin kick not seen since the last time I played Double Dragon. Harper and Ziggler took to the floor and threw each other into the announce table. Show then did the wrestling equivalent to farting in church by clocking Rowan with a knockout punch for the victory. Um, why are they already murdering Rowan? WINNERS: HARPER & SHOW
Jericho isn’t done yet. He is hosting the always enjoyable Highlight Reel with his special guests Lana and Rusev. He then confronts Fandango in a rather dark hallway and proclaims that he will take back his Slammy award.
Renee is joined by The New Day who have a rematch tonight against Gold & Stardust. Sounds like the Ph.D is going to be unleashed tonight so it appears we’ll see Xavier in action. Kofi does much of the talking and Big E does a great deal of sweating that gets called out by his beyond ecstatic teammates.
THE BELLA TWINS VS. ALICIA FOX & NATALYA
Thanks boys for using this up in the first hour. Much appreciated! Fact: I hardly watched any of this match because I was checking my fantasy football score. I did see Natalya throw Brie into Nikki and then apply a sharpshooter on Mrs. Daniel Bryan. It was short and the Bellas didn’t talk so win-win! One thing to note, Tyson Kidd checked on Nikki’s well-being after the match. DRAMA!!! WINNERS: ALICIA FOX & NATALYA
Roman Reigns officially returns to action Tuesday for Super Smackdown Live. No guys, seriously. I’m not writing about this show! Stop asking!
Highlight Reel time and out comes the United States Champion Rusev and Lana who is still buying her clothes at Gap Kids. They call Jack Swagger a stupid American and then Lana insults Jericho’s interview skills. Jericho pokes fun of the relationship between Rusev and Lana. It is definitely worth checking out because this is vintage Y2J just verbally eviscerating an unworthy foe. At one point he even called them the “US Champ and Communist Tramp,” as he alludes to Rusev’s desire to bump uglies with his smoke show of a valet. Rusev threatens to crush Jericho but Y2J tells him that their is someone in the back that wants to take on the big Russian. And that someone is none other than the Big Guy, Ryback!
Feed me more! Feed me more! Feed me more!
Rusev does some Memphis stalling and leaves the ring. The Russian coward doesn’t want to be on the menu tonight but this has all the makings of a classic Rozzero/Criscuolo battle of two hosses who want nothing better than to just beat the living crap out of one another.
And speaking of two big pieces of meat, a team known as The Ascension will rise very soon. Take a cold shower Scotty C. No one has trumpeted their greatness quite like my Legends’ House tag partner. I hope it works out because they need these NXT call-ups to succeed.
THE NEW DAY (XAVIER & BIG E) VS. GOLD & STARDUST
The New Day is all about positivity and having a good time. They are like every Pitbull song ever produced. The only negative might by Big E’s profuse sweating that Kofi still enjoys clowning about. They apparently pick who competes by playing the odds and evens game on the outside. I suppose this is how they will decide who will fighting should they ever get a tag title shot. In a weird way, this character change is allowing Kofi to come out of his shell and do more talking. I suppose if he is ever to emerge from midcard level, he is going to have to get more comfortable with the mic. Same goes for the other two guys in his trio. It’s too bad these guys can’t compete in Chikara’s King of Trios. Funny thing is, I think the fans here in the “Joe” are more interested in the heels. These Detroit folks were quick to tell the New Day where to stick their positive outlook but that didn’t stop Woods and E from pulling off the easy win. Kofi popped after his boys scored with their Midnight Hour finisher and I thought he’d have an asthma attack. WINNERS: NEW DAY
Renee now entertains the A-listers, Miz and Mizdow. Miz squares off with Jimmy Uso tonight and says that his opponent’s jealousy will be his undoing. He then goes on to say that the only way Jimmy will ever be on a red carpet is if he is accompanying his wife Naomi who Miz still feels has star-making potential. With Mizdow mimicking beside him, Miz predicts the credits will roll on the story of Jimmy Uso. Still my favorite act not involving the main events. Mizdow if fantastic!
The antithesis of fantastic is Adam Rose and bunny drama. Throw in Kane and you get an absolute turd sandwich. Kane has no power at all but somehow informs Rose that he has a match tonight against the Devil’s Favorite Demon. Odd pairing. Whatever will become of the Rosebuds after their party starter gets slaughtered? Read on Sucka!
ADAM ROSE VS. KANE
Is Rose a heel or a face? Does anyone care? Bunny gets involved of course and Kane hits a double chokeslam on both he and Rose. Kane gets the 3-count and then tombstones the Bunny to a deafening ovation. That’s the best segment Kane has been involved with in two years! WINNER: KANE
Jingle All The Way 2? I would rather shotgun an entire can of paint than watch that!
CHRIS JERICHO VS. PAUL HEYMAN
And with 43% of the vote, the winner is Street Fight. Before the match, Heyman tries to buy off Y2J by saying that they can call it even if Paul finally pays up on the $200 he owed from 20 years ago. This led to the telegraphed joke by Cole that his check would bounce. Jericho seems pleased about the results from the app but before the bell can sound, Heyman has one last trick up his sleeve. Paul won’t back down. Then gaining some confidence he says that he doesn’t think its fair that he should trust the app to put Jericho in a match against… BRRRROOOOOCK LEEESSSNAR!! The Beast is here! He stalks Jericho around the ring before entering the squared circle for the first time since Night of Champions. Jericho attempts the first punch but is shoved aside. Y2J went for a Codebreaker, but the champ blocked it and then dropped our guest GM with a devastating F-5. Fans chanted for Cena, but their request fell on deaf ears. WINNER: NO CONTEST
FANDANGO (W/ ROSA) VS. ???
Rosa is hotter than the Blazin’ sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings! Fandango is about to gloat about the demise of Jericho while holding up Y2J’s Slammy Award but is so rudely interrupted by the returning Roman Reigns. Double-R makes short work of the Latin lover before grabbing the stick. He tells the screaming masses… well nothing at all because out comes The Big Show to rain on everyone’s parade. Reigns promises the giant that he will hit him in the mouth if he comes to the ring. Show isn’t buying it and says he will put Roman back on the IR. Once he leaps up on the apron though, Show is greeted with a Superman punch! Show hits the deck and then awkwardly throws some stairs against the ring. Reigns looks hotter than ever and probably the early favorite to win the Rumble next month.
THE MIZ (W/ DAMIEN MIZDOW) VS. JIMMY USO (W/ JEY USO)
Mizdow continues to do his method acting on the outside and it is absolutely hysterical. Never have I wanted to see Miz get his ass kicked more than I do now that Mizdow impersonates every movement. Sadly they are sowing the seeds of a breakup as Miz shoved his stunt double away at one point during this match. Detroit Rock City can’t get enough of the former intellectual savior. In other news, Jimmy is dominating the action with Miz selling his designer sunglasses off. After more Mizdow hilarity, Jey poked Miz with a Slammy Award allowing his brother to connect with a superkick. Jimmy then went upstairs and went splat onto the A-lister to pick up a nice TV win. WINNER: JIMMY USO
In the back, Naomi is walking with a purpose. She bumps into Miz who says he is still trying as hard as he can to get her that music deal. She tries to interject by expressing her desire to be Divas Champ but Miz won’t let her finish. He tells her that she will be his guest on Miz TV during Tuesday’s Main Event. This is a launching pad for her career he says and would prefer it if she withholds that information from her husband… as if he won’t find out by just showing up to work on Tuesday.
Again Renee appears and is chatting it up with an irate Seth Rollins. He is so flustered, he can’t even say the word “hours,” without stumbling. He says no one is safe out there. Not even Chris Jericho was safe from harm after getting crushed by Lesnar. Rollins is living in fear everyday, even with J&J watching his back. He feels something is missing and pleads for The Authority to come back. He thinks this show needs their guidance now more than ever. Good for Rollins. When Vince and Stone Cold call for superstars to step up, this guy wants to keep holding on to his binky.
STEEL CAGE MATCH
Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security) Vs. John Cena
Considering these two pummeled each other, especially Rollins with his multiple table spots just a night ago, these two put on a tremendous show while locked in the steel structure. Rollins employed the Owen Hart playbook by repeatededly trying to escape the cage. He even took a nasty bump on a bull dog off the top rope. J&J would get involved over and over again as expected to support their boy. Cena scored with all his big spots including the AA and the less frequently used top rope leg drop. Near-falls galore and Rollins really shined. Cena tried a second AA but Rollins climbed out of it and drilled the former champ with a flying knee to the side of the head. After that, Rollins begins to trash talk Cena saying that he cost him two of the biggest matches of his career. He also points out that this match shouldn’t be happening since Rollins was calling for them to wait on their rematch. John quiets the loud mouth by throwing him into the side of the cage. As Cena tried to escape, Mercury literally slammed the door in his mug. In a fun spot, Cena played tug-o-war with the security team in an effort to keep Rollins back in the ring. Noble tossed in the briefcase which Rollins would use to pound Cena in the head. This shockingly would only get a 2-count. Rollins tried to exit over the cage wall but John would catch him and sent him tumbling down with an AA from the top of the cage. Both men are out cold and the door would be opened only to see Brock Lesnar return to ringside. But who was he going after?
The Beast breaks Cena in half with three German Suplexes and then delivers an F-5 for good measure. Then he looks at Rollins only to be ushered away by Heyman. Heyman then turns to Rollins offers hes hand in friendship. They shake on it as Lesnar smiles. The Beast and his advocate walk off as Rollins looks on looking like the cat who swallowed the canary. The announcers speculate that Rollins, Heyman and Lesnar were all in this together to decimate Cena. Was this a premeditated plan all along? In any event, Rollins Curb Stomps Cena and marches out of the ring to notch an improbable win over his hated rival. Our last image, besides Cena laying dead in the center of the ring, is of Noble and Mercury holding up Rollins on their shoulders in celebration of the biggest victory of his career. WINNER: SETH ROLLINS
How can you go wrong when Brock Lesnar, the special attraction that Vince proclaimed him to be on the Stone Cold podcast, returns and makes an immediate impact. I enjoyed the Jericho stuff while he was still breathing and Roman Reigns back in action is nothing short of refreshing given the status of the the current roster. Like every show, we get lots of fluff and filler and I still don’t get what they are doing with Rowan jobbing to Show but I guess that will make Reigns look better when he dispatches the giant in the coming weeks. I’m willing to wait that one out. Good nights though for Rollins, Jimmy Uso, Paul Heyman and The Beast. Let’s put it this way, you won’t be wasting your time if you decide to pop this in.
There are worse ways to spend a Monday night. Just ask Jay Cutler!