Monday Night Raw
October 6, 2014
TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAME!!
Nah, just kidding. I’m back. I would like to thank my main man Scotty C. for filling in last week. I worked several indies last week and now people are now calling me the CM Punk of the new millennium. Seriously I bumped like Mr. Perfect and sold like Rick Rude and instantly became an internet sensation. Things were really looking up for D McG but there is just no place in the E for another hot indy star so here I am to once again scribe your weekly Raw recap. Scott left this seat nice and toasty – probably from the Boneheads he ate this past weekend – so let’s take care of business and rock this bitch like a hurricane!
Your announcers tonight are, as always, Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler
Various clips from Dean Ambrose reeking havoc on Seth Rollins the last two weeks on both Raw and Smackdown. As we get our wide shot of the Barclays Center, Seth Rollins’ wretched music starts blaring and out comes Mr. Money in the Bank. He looks none to happy after last weeks shenanigans with that whole green mist to the face episode from last week. That’s probably what I looked like on Tuesday after watching the Patriots take a collective dump on the field against Kansas City on Monday Night Football.
Seth doesn’t think anything that happened last week was funny, though the thousands doing the “Yes” chant would disagree. Rollins then plays clips of him leading the Authority in a beatdown of both Ambrose and John Cena. He begins to pump himself up when Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury come out. The cruiserweights attempt to get Rollins to exit the ring since he is a marked man but Seth is having none of it! He gets all braggadocious before Cena comes out to clean his clock! Rollins does what he always does and runs into the crowd but that’s where he is met by a lurking Dean Ambrose. Seth heads for the hills, in this case back towards the ring, and is met once again by the leader of the Cenation! Ambrose then jumps them both before the new stooges run interference allowing Rollins to seek shelter.
Ambrose and Cena stand in the ring when Triple H and Stephanie hit the stage. They decide to give the Universe what they want which is for our heroes to get their hands on Seth Rollins. Ahh, but there is a catch! Ambrose and Cena will again be teamed up, only this time, they will have to face Rollins, Kane and Randy Orton. How original!
Next Cole starts talking nonsense about Big Show ripping down the Russian flag and how it caused an international incident! Really? Oh help me Rhonda! What is wrong with our society? I mean this is still Professional Wrestling right? When I was a kid, I once saw Hulk Hogan – the Real American, say your prayers, eat your vitamins – you know, Whatcha gonna do when the largest arms in the world run wild on you Hulk Hogan – choke another man with an Iraqi flag and then proceeded to rip said flag in half with his bare hands! Did we have an international incident then? Did Hogan need sensitivity training? Probably should have, but he didn’t! Why? Because it’s Professional Wrestling! I bet you there are tons of worst things going over the airwaves that rips and bashes our country on an hourly basis overseas and I’m willing to bet a steak dinner that none of those cats are worried about America’s sensitivity! Okay, I’m getting hot and we’re not even to the first match yet!
CESARO, GOLDUST & STARDUST VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER & THE USOS
Is it me or do we get this match every week? Or am I watching last week’s tape? I do enjoy the Uso’s goofy promos though. They did a corny parody of the Dust’s obsession with the Cosmic Key that got a chuckle out of me. They really built up Cesaro’s newfound rivalry with Ziggler. Meanwhile, these fans were geeked to see some of their IC champ. Barclays loves their Ziggy! He got a Road Warriors pop when he applied the sleeper on Cesaro thus giving that hold it’s loudest ovation since Brutus Beefcake was popular. Coolest spot of the match came when the faces tattooed Stardust with a triple superkick. A superfly splash finished off the heels and this one is history! WINNERS: DOLPH ZIGGLER & THE USOS
Oh boy! Kathie Lee and Hoda are on Raw to return the favor of John Cena who appeared on their show this morning. This might be as good a time as any to take my dog out for his nightly constitutional (You can now follow my pup @KingBasil1110).
Holy international incident! This segment bombed worse than The Lone Ranger! It was so bad, they had to crank up the music to drown out the boos. Not even Adam Rose could keep this from dying a most painful death. I never thought I would beg for a Bellas segment in this space! Let’s move on before I strongly consider giving myself a power bomb through my coffee table!
Another creepy video package rebuilding Luke Harper and the Wyatts. Can we start a petition to make these guys relevant again? Here’s hoping!
BO DALLAS VS. MARK HENRY
I don’t care how many ass kickings Bo takes at the hands of that monster. In the record books it will read Bo Dallas 2, Mark Henry 0 last week #ScoreBoard. Mark Henry is lucky he is even allowed to wrestle tonight. He should be in jail after his assault and battery on my hero Bo a week ago. This week is no different as Dallas takes an absolute thrashing outside the ring but slyly slips back in before Henry can put him through the announce table. He also beats the 10-count to pick up a count out victory. 3-0 Baby! Hat Trick! I am so inspired! WINNER: BO DALLAS
Happy Birthday Smackdown! Next year, you’ll be able to drive!
Ambrose comes out a tad early for the main event, but who am I to question the lunatic fringe? He seems bothered by something and reveals that Cena is all up in his space. I guess he is still mad that Cena ditched him on Smackdown last Friday. Dean wants to settle this issue now before they team up later tonight. Oh this is going to be good. I could easily see these two feuding like a modern day Hogan/Piper. Or maybe, I know this sounds crazy, but perhaps Cena could put Ambrose over strong and pass him the torch. Stranger things have happened after all!
Cena does his usual rah rah promo before Ambrose says he doesn’t give a crap about his partner for the evening. Ambrose says he doesn’t mind dropping him where he stands and taking on the Authority by himself. Cena reminds him about what happened last time he tried to go it alone (See the cinder blocks episode). Cena retorts by saying that Dean is giving him a reason not to like him and he is more than willing to drop Ambrose where he stands. Dean says he is feeling kind of hungry and says he is heading to Coney Island to ride the Cyclone and grab a hot dog while wishing John good luck tonight. He is pulling the Bad News Brown and walking out! What a lunatic! During the commercial, a camera followed Ambrose onto a subway train and we’re led to believe this wasn’t recorded earlier in the day.
Triple H gloats in front of Cena now that it appears our main event will be 3-on-1. Hunter admires his determination and promises that Rollins will start the match thus guaranteeing John will get his hands on the golden child. He also mocks Cena’s choice in t-shirt selection capping off a fun backstage scene.
BRIE BELLA VS. SUMMER RAE (W/ LAYLA)
Brie has owned handicap matches lately but this time her arm is tied behind her back. She wins of course but this match gets completely overshadowed by the loud Derek Jeter chants and the post-match Yes chant! Please come back Daniel Bryan! WINNER: BRIE BELLA
Miz and Mizdow offer Kane a fruit basket as a peace offering to the Director of Operations and the Authority. Kane rejects the gift and puts Miz in a match with Sheamus while predicting a brogue kick in his future.
JACK SWAGGER (W/ ZEB COLTER) VS. TYSON KIDD (W/ NATALYA)
I’ve been on too many rants in this one column so I’ll spare you the usual “hate on Total Divas” speech for at least another week. I do find the marital strife angle a bit distasteful but at least Tyson and Natty are getting some TV time on the main roster. Poor Jack nearly killed TK off the top ropes but still managed to apply the Patriot Lock for a quick win. This can’t be good for the marriage. WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
Edge and Christian make a surprise appearance to promote their SmackDown 15th Anniversary Show That Will Totally Reek of Awesomeness that will premiere immediately after Raw on the WWE Network. I wish this took place in the ring instead of that hideous Kathie Lee and Hoda debacle from hour one!
Cole now interviews Roman Reigns via satellite. He says that the doctors are happy with his progression. Double R says he would rather be in Brooklyn and he’s counting down the days until he can get back in the ring. He says his return will happen sooner than later. We can only hope! I know I’ll light a candle for him. As well as Bryan and Wade Barrett for good measure!
EL TORITO (W/ LOS MATADORES) VS. MINI GATOR (W/ SLATERGATOR)
In case you don’t watch this week (and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t), Hornswaggle is dressed in a gator costume. That’s really all you need to know. We also get a THIS IS STUPID chant and I can’t imagine that’s good for business! We already had one worst segment of the year candidate… Now we have two! WINNER: NO FAN OF WRESTLING
Today is Putin’s birthday and who better to celebrate this momentous occasion than Lana and Rusev! Lana says that Big Show should be in prison for his hate crime from last week. Rusev speaks Russian and challenges Show to come to the ring for a rather giant crushing! He then calls us all cowards and pounds his chest to complete silence around the arena. At least until The Rock’s music hits! WHAT?! The most electrifying man in sports entertainment is in the house? Holy cheese and crackers! Well played WWE. You feed me two truly awful segments, I am this close to calling up Brad and resigning my post as the Raw Recapper, and then you deliver me The Rock! I have goosebumps! My goosebumps have goosebumps!
Huge spot for Rusev. What a year so far. He goes from NXT in January to standing face to face with a bonafide hall of famer in October. Rock talks of clanging and banging while making fun of Rusev’s shorts being up too high. Fans are eating this all up of course since the former champion and current movie star makes about a dozen New York references. He even starts a Derek Jeter chant which got me to thinking, did he retire or something this week? He does his usual promo until Lana tells him to shut up. Rock then calls her a “Soviet Street Walker” based on her chosen wardrobe. Rusev calls Rocky a piece of garbage and threatens to crush the People’s Champ. This gets a bit TV-14 with some of the Rock’s comments including calling them a pair “world class, international a-holes.” At that, Rusev removed his medal but it was Rocky who proceeded to slap the taste out of his mouth!
Pretty cool swerve if you ask me. All night we thought Show would come out and have to listen to Lana and Rusev berate him while pumping Putin’s tires. Instead we get a humorous, if not edgy promo by one of the greatest of all-time. I say we got the better of that deal.
PAIGE & ALICIA FOX VS. AJ LEE & EMMA
Divas tag action at its finest. Emma actually gets a pretty loud pop considering Zack Ryder has had more TV time of late. We all know for NXT she can put on awesome matches with Paige. That’s what always frustrates me about when NXT talent moves up to the big show. People like Emma and Summer Rae get put in these squash matches instead of building up the division. Long story short, AJ walks out on her partner, Emma gets murdered by her former NXT rival and no one is the better for it. WINNERS: PAIGE & ALICIA FOX
Another scary Wyatt promo. This one features Rowan talking briefly and a pregnant woman with the words “It’s Coming” written on her belly. Ummmm, I’m intrigued in an extremely terrified sort of way!
Happy 79th Birthday to Bruno Sammartino!
THE MIZ (W/ DAMIEN MIZDOW) VS. US CHAMPION SHEAMUS
So essentially, the secondary title holders swapped opponents. Miz now has beef with Sheamus after Smackdown while Cesaro appears to be the top contender for Ziggler. I really think Miz needs more bodies in his entourage. Sheamus also needs to sink his teeth into a meatier storyline. Either that, or just chuck the whole US Title thing altogether. It doesn’t owe us anything anymore. The over-served crowd starts cheering Mizdow’s every move. He might even be more over than The Rock at this point in the night. We are treated to a predictable finish as Sheamus knocks the stunt double senseless with a brogue only to see Miz roll him up for the flash pin. I bet these two square off at Hell in a Cell. WINNER: THE MIZ
Is Hulk Hogan going to be that guy who butchers promos from now on?
One more thing: Why the hell are the Rams on Monday Night Football next week? That’ll put some butts in the seats!
Joan Lunden speaks to the Universe about her own battle with breast cancer. Touching stuff!
JOHN CENA VS. SETH ROLLINS, RANDY ORTON & KANE
Rollins immediately tags in Kane to start the match while Orton tries to incite the crowd to spew anti-Cena catcalls. I don’t think they need to be asked twice tonight. As expected, Cena takes a beating with Rollins only entering the ring when Cena is on the mat. John makes a brief comeback before Kane interferes and the ref calls for the bell. WINNER: JOHN CENA BY DQ
The Authority is running wild until Ambrose arrives pushing a hot dog wagon (huh?)! Everyone, including myself, stands dumbfounded as Ambrose stands in the aisle eating a hot dog. He then squirts Kane and Orton with ketchup and mustard of course. He then goes after Rollins and proceeds to empty that hot dog wagon on his former business partner. Cena AA’s Kane and all is right in the world until we get another appearance by the King of Kings. Hunter announces that Cena and Ambrose must face each other at the ppv in three weeks. The winner will then get Rollins one-on-one in the Hell in a Cell. Not wasting anytime, Ambrose scored with a future shock DDT on Cena, laying out the former champ in the center of the ring.
This Raw had a jacked up crowd, a plethora of special guests, huge surprises, two hideous scenes and the start of a decent build for the next special event. I want to say that the good (Rock, Ambrose, Cena and Authority) outweighed the bad (Kathie Lee, Torito, Hoda and Hornswaggle) but it might take a couple extra showers to wash off that stink. Just feel grateful that on second watch, you’ll at least have a fast-forward button! Ambrose and Rollins’ star continues to shine, however, and no one should have a problem with that.