Inside the Legends’ House – Episode #6

Legendshousemain
Scott: Place to Be Nation, welcome to the next chapter in our jaunt through Palm Springs. It’s your Legends House recap! It’s episode #6 and we had some major drama in Las Vegas that may have subsided on the last episode when the guys were in their element selling art pieces. What does the hot Ashley have in store for the guys this week? Well before we begin, allow me to bring in my partner on this journey, the executive producer of The Steve Corino Show and the guy that still makes Brad Woodling’s coffee, Dan McGinn!
Dan: Oh boy! Thanks Scotty. Believe me, you do not want to get on Brad’s bad side when it comes to his java. Though I must admit, I’ve never seen a grown man who orders soy lattes get so upset over a lack of whipped cream before. There is fire in the belly of that boy. Speaking of which, while this may be coming a tad on the late side, this episode/recap will be worth the wait. I mean, legends going Larping? How do you not get geeked for that? I know I have my wizard’s cloak on in anticipation. So Scott, without further ado young squire, let’s get this thing started!
Scott: Soy? Figures. We get a recap from last week with the East German Waterobics and then the Art Gallery success. Man that was a lot of chitlins. Five seconds into the episode and already Jimmy Hart is bitching. Maybe if he cooked something, that skinny little shit. Hey look, Mean Gene and Pat are sitting around. What a shock.¬†Does Jimmy own every single throwback t-shirt? This time it’s Survivor Series. Tony just admitted he’s a screwed up guy. Like we didn’t already know that. That kitchen must reek. Oh boy, guys dressed like the guy who first managed the Powers of Pain is here. This should be interesting.
LegendsLarpAshley
Dan: So two guys in full costume and a nerd in a black t-shirt tell our legends that Ashley has been captured and our guys must compete in a live action role playing ¬†(LARP) event in order save her. Tony is a world class pervert as he gets orgasmic over the sight of her discarded gold high-heel shoe. Looks like someone has a foot fetish in the house! The trio of dorks take our reluctant heroes outside and give them special weapons. Naturally Jimmy is saddled with a megaphone that shoots out fear. Duggan has a foam 2×4 and Piper can instantly kill his opponents with his cleave sword. Believe me folks, you have to see this to believe it! Piper is picked to demonstrate proper fighting techniques with the nerd general and looks about as happy doing so as he did just before getting his chest waxed. Oh brother this is going to be classic!
legendslarpPat
Scott: What’s with Hillbilly Jim’s sweatshirt? This isn’t Flashdance. I wish these guys would get a little more into it though. What did they plan on doing? Sitting around playing cards? Well Pat and Gene thought so. I love that the nerd called Hacksaw “Dugan”. Hilarious. Tony Atlas should have dressed as Saba Simba. Pat looks like Flash Funk. Really, Jimmy Hat dressed as Elvis? I certainly hope he doesn’t return for Season 2. Piper’s definitely getting into it as he found a kilt, kicking it old school. Now they are getting their battle makeup on. I love that these guys are just walking down the street like a Halloween Parade in Greenwich Village. Haha Pat is just “The Canadian.” I think Piper should beat up the nerd at the end, Dan. Maybe Corino can lay him out. He’d be all over this.
Dan: Holy crap this is making me uncomfortable. Particularly when they speak in character. I wonder if Ben Morse does this when he isn’t being awesome at life. Anyway, Ashley appears all tied up by only one irritating poindexter. He looked pretty jobtastic until he called on his army and Piper immediately called for time, which wasn’t granted. Jimmy went running like a little girl with a skinned knee. That was pretty ironic considering his “power” was to cast fear onto his opponents. Pat was not pleased with Jimmy’s gutless tactics. Hart insisted that he was running for help but he wound up seriously cutting up his leg for his troubles. Tony looks like he has done this before and unlike the rest of these old-timers, he still has a terrific physique. As this unfolded, it became abundantly clear to me that Piper is amazing. “Die you son of a bitch!” I’m dying over here!
LegendsLarpPiper
Scott: Ben Morse is always awesome at life, in or out of character. So they clean the army out and save Ashley. Tony gets to be the King and that pisses Piper off. But in the end (and for the second straight episode) the Legends bonded together and got the common goal accomplished. We return to the house, and Mean Gene says Piper is getting “over the top weird.” Jimmy now attempts to defend his actions of running away like a bitch. No one is buying it. I still find it uncomfortable that Gene’s right arm is puffier than his left. Tony’s making dinner and this time he decides to cook something normal, it looks like meat loaf. And what would a Legends House meal be without endless amounts of alcohol as Howard’s making margaritas. Wow Gene breaks everybody’s balls and never lifts a finger for anybody. I bet Jordan Duncan makes great meat loaf for his children.
Dan: Oh you better believe it! Jimmy Hart would tick off everyone in my Greek family! This guy doesn’t eat anything but crackers and olives. If he had his way, that fridge would be empty and Gene and Pat would die of alcohol poisoning or malnutrition. The fellas all gather around for a Sunday dinner put on by Tony Atlas. He makes meatloaf and mashed potatoes to make up for all the pigs feet and “Bull Dick” from last episode. Atlas is still an enigma. He could still be a ticking time bomb but has definitely won me over the last few shows. I think I also have a new appreciation for Hillbilly Jim. He is just a genuine, nice person. He would be someone you would want to have over for a large meal and then he could tell you stories or sing you a song. Crap we just saw Tony talk about his morning “horniness” and Gene half naked in bed. This clinches that I’ll never have children. Someone get Ashley back in the bikini!
Scott: I think it’s confirmed that Gene must have some form of diabetes because his right foot is covered and his lower leg has some discoloration. Anyway back to the hijinks. He’s also going back to his Nitro days when he was trying to pick up all the Nitro Girls with his dirty old man stuff. The rest of the guys are relaxing nicely until Tony bitches that he wanted a massage and not a pedicure. Eventually he gets his massage and the guys enjoy cocktails as our episode ends. Another quest of happiness and the guys work together and achieve a common goal. Other than Gene’s laziness, Tony’s Jekyll/Hyde demeanor and Jimmy’s weird diet, the guys seem to be settling in. Another fun episode, Dan take us home!
LegendsLarpVictory
Dan: Not much controversy this week which was incredibly surprising to me. They built up all this heat with Tony and Hacksaw and now they are getting massages together. I thought maybe someone would flake on the Larping saying it was stupid and beneath them, but these guys embraced the chaos and had a fun time. God only knows if this honeymoon will last, but it’s at least refreshing that somewhere between all the madness and tom-foolery, these gents seem to like one another’s company. Perhaps I’m the most immature person on this site, but I chuckled a bit when Piper admitted he was naked when the lady tried to take his robe. Also when Gene called Howard’s margarita dog excrement. I wonder if people used to say that about my Superstars recaps. That’s a story for another day. I think this is the calm before the storm and thankfully, we won’t have to wait too long for the next episode. Now if you’ll excuse me, this triple soy, caramel, half-caf, one pump peppermint, two pump raspberry, extra whip, mocha latte won’t make itself!

Author: Dan McGinn

Dan McGinn is a former Minor League Baseball announcer, a five-star General in the #sweatervestarmy and an all around babyface who you should be happy to take home to dinner. He also happens to write about wrestling.