Inside the Legends’ House – Episode #3

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Scott: Place to be Nation! Welcome back to another great installment of Inside The Legends’ House! It’s our weekly jaunt through the Palm Springs compound to see what the quirky combination of Hall of Fame wrestlers and announcers. Tony Atlas was in the show’s doghouse but got on everyone’s good side by saving dinner. Who will be the hero this week? Before we begin let’s say hello to my awesome cohort, Mr. Dan McGinn!

Dan: Thanks Scott! We’re writing this late enough that the Bruins game has long since ended and I am long since sober. Either way, who needs a buzz when we have Legends’ House! I can only imagine what sort of high jinks our heroes will get in tonight! The little picture that teases tonight’s episode on the Network shows Tony with his arm around a plastic flamingo. I don’t think I need to get into how excited this makes me so let’s quit gabbing and get on with the show!

Scott: Four goals in the third period baby! Suck it Habs! Ok, had to get that out. We start with a recap of last week’s polo mess and Tony saving dinner. Hillbilly Jim is right, there is going to be a case where somebody snaps! I just realized I pulled a Pat Patterson and said “goal” instead of “goals”. Lovely, everybody is snoring again. Old farts. I know she’s hot, but Ashley is getting more annoying by the episode. Wow, bowling? How hard can this be? It’s not polo.

Dan: So the boys will square off with some sweet old biddies known as the “Desert Queens.” If I were Justin and wanted to make a cliche “Scott is old” joke, I would say something like, “wow Scott, those ladies seem right up your alley.” See what I did there? Because they are in a bowling? Is this thing on? Okay so naturally all our guys are brutal at bowling. Is Gene 90 years old now? Also does he love saying the world “balls” just a little too much? I feel like that should be Pat Patterson’s department. I think PTBN should challenge these ladies someday.

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It’s Legends vs. The Desert Queens. Who will rule these lanes? (Courtesy WWE.com)
Scott: That’s your one old joke, McGinn. Next time you go back to your old job of doing Leroux’s laundry. Seriously these guys can’t bowl? Bowling? Wow, well at least they are starting to pick it up. Pat probably wants to bowl for the other team. Wait he already… never mind. The scores seem to be getting close. I think Pat just got upset that Tony got the tiara and not him. The game ended…
Dan: …and the Legends’ lost. No surprise there. I love Piper’s reaction when he screamed, “bowling is fake!” Awesome stuff! Scott, I apologize though I have to admit, some of the gals were pretty hot. You see what happens when you are single for too long? This is what happens when you are consistently banished to the “friend zone.” Speaking of which, Ashley comes back and she gives us an “Apprentice-esque” task for the guys to put together a 30 second spot for a local business. It’s Gene Mean’s team vs. Roddy’s Rowdies. Gene gives a highly motivational speech stating that he doesn’t want to “shovel shit” again. Oh this is going to be magic! Gene and company head off to a car wash and Pat makes a couple sexual innuendos which is my cue to throw it back to Scott!
Scott: Ashley is getting REALLY annoying now. No matter how sexy she dresses. How many more awkward Pat jokes are we going to deal with? So Piper’s team (led by Piper walking around with his bathrobe) have to deal with a guy who rents and sells plastic flamingos and rubber duckies. What the fuck? This isn’t even realistic. What kind of weird creep sells RUBBER FUCKING DUCKIES? If I were Piper, I’d put the guy’s head through the windshield. The car wash team definitely has the easiest time, but all they are doing is giving more shitty one-liners and innuendos. I feel like Pat really isn’t taking any of this seriously and wanted to just sit around and drink. Poor Piper though is dealing with three complete dopes (Fink, Duggan and Atlas). Also, I wonder if Mean Gene had surgery or something because his right arm is swollen and bigger than his left arm.
Dan: Tony Atlas is proving his uselessness again this week. He goes on and on about just wanting to work the camera but then when asked if he knows how to use a camera, he says no. That’s like me wanting to be in charge of all the podcast graphics for the website and not knowing how to use Photoshop. I have no clue what Piper’s team is going to do with such a lousy product to push. Back at the carwash where Pat gets pushed into hot water or wax and he absolutely lost it! Everyone pointed the finger at Jimmy Hart for pushing the button that started the washing cycle and all hell broke loose. Pat storms off and Jimmy is officially public enemy #1. Now Piper has officially lost his mind as he is splashing around the pool with duckies and flamingos. I am not joking when I tell you, I could watch this all day! I also think Tony is getting back at Piper for outing him when he debuted as Saba Simba. I’m sure TA didn’t want his name associated with that crappy gimmick.
Scott: What a revelation Dan! The Saba Simba Affair! The Car Wash team had a better product, but Pat just bitches and moans too much. He wanted to blame Jimmy because he thought Jimmy was on everybody’s nerves and Pat thought he could get him in trouble. I agree about Tony being useless. He was a typical 70’s powerlifting meathead. Like he’s never been in the real world ever. Now the production guys are here to check out the commercials and edit them. Piper’s team does deserve the benefit of the doubt because their product was the shits. Incidentally, Piper flipping out in a pool with rubber duckies is more entertaining than the last year of WCW. Mean Gene still has the goods to sell. He could make me call 1-900-909-9900 right now! Dan, call now!
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Tony playing with all his friends. Flock O Flamingos! (Courtesy WWE.com)
Dan: Piper vs. Atlas might actually happen. Tony flipped out because he disagreed with the music selection for their spot during the editing process. He walks out and the dramatic angry music begins. Piper attempts to bring him back into the war room, but TA is having none of it. Piper looks like me after a Steve Corino Show (cheap plug alert), walking around aimlessly with one sock on and on the verge of passing out mid sentence. Ashley saying “hiiiiiii boys” is starting to cut through me like a battle ax. Self-proclaimed “cheesy” commercial experts will now judge our teams’ final products. They have experts for that? I swear this show is more responsible for creating jobs than Obamacare. Thank you, I’ll be here all week!
Scott: Spend two hours with Andrew Riche and I’ll take Corino any day. As for this show, well at least this website works. Piper and Tony make amends and we see the commercials. Honestly both commercials weren’t really that bad, as Piper’s team WINS! I have to give them a lot of credit for making a great commercial about a product no one will buy. Mean Gene is legitimately pissed that he lost ANOTHER competition. Now the band is going to VEGAS! The winning team gets to go in a limo, while the losing squad has to take the short bus. Gene is livid. I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen on this trip. The limo drives by the van and someone shoves a flamingo out the window. Then out of nowhere, a county Mountie pulls the limo over. Love to hear Piper talk to the Mountie! Dan, imagine if the Quebecers come out of the car! That would make Justin Rozzero’s world! With that, the show ends. CLIFFHANGER! Danny my boy, take us out!
Dan: This is, without question, my favorite episode thus far and I think it will be hard to beat. The bowling was hilarious, the roommate drama was at its all-time high and those commercials was absolutely amazing. You must see them for our words won’t do them justice. Patterson cursing like a sailor, Atlas getting those laughs out at just the perfect time and Piper and Duggan chanting Flock O’ Flamingos so many times, that I think I’ll have nightmares about them until I die. I also enjoyed the continuing heel heat Piper’s team gained by using a flamingo out the window to taunt the losers in the van. All in all Scott, I think we have the best gig in the business. Now if you excuse us, there are a couple lucky Desert Queens out there that are fixing to see if we can handle the 7-10 split. Oh get your minds out of the gutter!

Author: Dan McGinn

Dan McGinn is a former Minor League Baseball announcer, a five-star General in the #sweatervestarmy and an all around babyface who you should be happy to take home to dinner. He also happens to write about wrestling.